I’ll tell ya what it makes me….
Some kind of cross between an agnostic, humanist, atheist, and spiritual something-or-otherist. A realist. A naturalist. An “I-don’t-really-give-a-damnist”. Or do I?
Ok… so, basically I’m messed-up-ist! At least I admit it!
But, please… whatever you do, do not try to “save me”.
I am not crying out for help. I have no desire whatsoever to “find my faith”. I am not sad. I do not miss going to church and the guilt and pressure that went along with it (not to mention the fear). I’m not looking to get into any big heated debates or arguments.
Sure, I like to ponder – thus this blog exists – but, I’m more interested in sharing and exploring ideas, thoughts, experiences, feelings. I want to try to be supportive to others that may be going thru a somewhat similar situation (because, much to my amazement, there WERE other people out there that could relate, I found.)
Mostly I’m looking to understand myself in the process. I am not trying to figure out who are the chosen ones that get to go to heaven and why, etc. I decided some time ago I didn’t believe that BS. So, I’m really not worried about your salvation or my own. So, please – don’t you sweat it either… (at least not mine. Feel free to save yourself, though!)
This blog and it’s topics are only a small part of my life. A sort of therapy if you will.. but, certainly not all I think about or do. I actually think I turned out okay… but, that is a matter of opinion, and totally relative. You might not think I am normal… but, I’m pretty sure you couldn’t pick me out in a crowd. I look just like all the other “normal” people out there.
What’s that? You don’t see all the other “normal” people?
Me neither. I learned early on in life that nobody is “normal”. Especially not my mother – but, it wasn’t until fairly recently that I really started trying to learn more about her, her family, our relationship, mental illness, and how it all plays a part of who I am.
Tack on “ACIMP-ist” to my description list. (Adult Child of a Mentally Ill Parent).
You see, I think my mom has some issues. I am not sure what… she’s never been officially diagnosed or gone to the doctor… (a lot more on this on the “story behind this blog” page)… and I don’t’ want to trash her or religion on this blog – I am just trying to sort some stuff out in my own head.
It was only this past year that I started actually researching a little about mental illness… what my mom might have… and how it may have effected me. Verrrrrrrrrrry interesting stuff, I must say. I can’t believe I never looked into it before. I guess I was scared to find out. My family didn’t talk about it growing up. We had to figure it out on our own… and then deny it.
There is still so much stigma out there regarding mental illness. I still don’t talk about it much for fear of people looking at me with that questioning look in their eyes. My worst fear is to be like my mother. Which ironically has got to be my mom’s worst fear also – to be like her mother (who was mostly institutionalized with severe schizophrenia – and undoubtedly had much, much, more severe problems than my mother).
Not too long ago I decided to go to psychiatrist about it all.
I had always joked about going and giving some poor doctor a run for their money – but, I was kidding, and never really considered it. Then, last year, I had the opportunity to go thru work for so many free sessions, so I did. I am glad I went. It was very validating… and a relief to hear that ,
“No.. you are not like your mother or your grandmother”.
I didn’t think I was… but, well… unless you have a relative with mental illness… you probably don’t understand how good it is to actually hear a professional tell you that.
So, I’m not crazy… Or am I?
Depends who you ask, I suppose.
Another one of those “relative” questions (and yes.. pun intended!:).
Don’t ask my husband of almost 20 years on a bad day if I am crazy or not.. But, go ahead and ask anyone else. I have plenty of long term friends and co-workers and family that I’m 99% sure would vouch for me. 😉 I wanted to ask the shrink to put it in writing for me that I am “not like my mother”… but, well.. I didn’t want to get my “your not crazy card” revoked for asking, so you’ll have to trust me on this one… ( *insert evil laugh here* >;))
ps- for those of you who were looking for a short and sweeter answer?
I’m also a woman… married… for a long, long time to a good man and we have 2 boys. My husband and I don’t always see eye to eye… but, we do love each other, and I won’t trade him in any time soon. We live in the US in a household where we all run around like crazy working, playing baseball and whatever else, and running from one family event to the next. We have our ups and downs – but, I can’t complain too much. I’m a lucky woman to have the family I have. I know that.
I chose to keep this blog somewhat anonymous, so, no, my real name isn’t Samantha. I only post pics and details of my kids in a private journal that is only for my family and real life friends… but don’t think that they don’t get their fair share of my time and internet space… 😉
Someday, when my kids are older… maybe I will share these journals of mine with them… It will either mess them up for good, or clear a few things up for them. 😉