I‘m not sure how I wound up needing to make and bring deviled eggs today to a little party we are going to at our friends home, but I did. Oh yeah.. I remember now.. I ASKED what I could bring and was basically assigned these. I sort of tried to weasle out of it, and offered up a couple other suggestions… but, nope.. she reeeeeally wanted deviled eggs.
Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with deviled eggs. And, they are certainly easy enough to make. Hell, I even like eating them once in a while. I just don’t like making them, or bringing them to places.
You see, this is typically what my mother makes and brings to all social functions. She will bring deviled eggs, and a pickle tray (which is often a can of olives LoL). Nothing wrong with that either. They are one of the few things my mom can actually make really well. As I told my son after a really bad meal at Gramma’s once (when he asked, “what was THAT that grandma made???”) – My mother (or his grandma) is a lot of things, but a good cook ain’t one of them. 🙂
So, really – it’s not about the eggs… it’s just the old, “I don’t want to be like my mother” issue that is coming into play. Which, if you think about it, is a really stupid reason to not want to make deviled eggs when your friend asks you to. Which is why I didn’t tell my friend “no, I won’t make those”. It’s silly. I know that. I am not like my mother, and making deviled eggs doesn’t make me like her. So, why then am I dreading going to the kitchen and making them, and then bringing them to this party??
I sort of feel sorry for my mother and I… not having the typical bond mother’s and daughter’s have. I mean, I love my mom… I know she loves me… but, we have never had that bond and probably never will. She was not the one I turned to for comfort or for help with problems. Not that she doesn’t mean well…
*sigh* So hard to explain… Even when people KNOW my background they often look at me with this chastising look that makes me feel guilty. Worse yet, even though I obviously know my own background and reasons… I still feel guilty about this even without any chastising looks.
My mom will often make comments how she always wanted a daughter… so she’d have someone to be friends with… do things with… and then she’ll either make a joke about how instead of that – she got me… or sort of just look at me… wistfully… looking for a sign that I want that too. I don’t offer up any. We will never have that kind of relationship.
We do have a relationship… and I feel like we are pretty close… there are some things I really admire about my mom… and I know there is love there from both sides. I believe we are lucky to have that – as there were times I thought about removing myself completely from her life. I’m glad I didn’t and that we have at least the relationship that we do. But, I do know what she means. And, I do wish we could have had, or could have now, that type of relationship… but, it’s just not going to happen. We are in two separate worlds sometimes.. and we just don’t see eye to eye on most anything. I wish that was different…. especially now that my Dad is gone… I really would love to have the kind of mother-daughter relationship most of my friends have. But, I don’t see that realistically ever happening
It’s all I can do to bring myself to make deviled eggs today… but, I will.