Oooh… why do I bother?

I somehow (tag surfing) accidentally ended up on a blog the other night called “The Ultimate Goal”,  specifically a post entitled “Why Atheism Does Not Exist”.

Some young man there, Adam Smith, was basically preaching the old “let no man be without an excuse” (for going to hell, that is) argument – because he claims that ALL people, miraculously, really DO believe in God.

Yeah.. okay…
Tell that not only to all the atheists, agnostics, but also to all the people of other religions who don’t believe in the same god as his bible.  Not to mention all the third world people who don’t have the energy or time of day to learn about God because they are too busy starving to death. Apparently, they ALL KNOW they are wrong… and are either living in denial, or because they are just plain defying God on purpose and don’t WANT to follow his rules.  I guess, that latter bunch must relish the idea of a permanent retirement home in a a firey eternal pit of torment. 

Anyway – I don’t know why I bothered to respond… when, I know it is useless – but, I did.  Twice.  Basically, telling him he was wrong.  You can imagine how well that worked.  LOL 

I don’t know why I bother?  I guess, there’s some small part of me, that hopes common sense and common curtousy will prevail. It seems it never does in these type situations.  So, I supose I am foolish for thinking it ever will.

I mean, how do you reason with someone who thinks THEY have ALL the answers… even so far as to tell others what THEY really think. ??? (not to mention someone who would try to prove their point by comparing the reality of Hell to the reality of an electric chair.  Huh?).

My comments on his blog sparked a few others….
Some christians wanting to save me…  Some patting this kid on the back telling him how great he’s doing preaching the gospel.  One nice christian made a comment, with the best intentions, I’m sure that went:

“if we knew the cure for cancer and never told anyone, would that be love? the problem is that no one knows they are sick.”

I wanted to respond by saying,
“What if people only TOLD you that you had cancer, just so that they COULD provide THEIR cure? “.  It’s tempting to elaborate on that… but, I didn’t post it, and won’t bother to because it wouldn’t go anywhere anyway, I’m sure.  

The Adam Smith’s of the world are convinced that people like me are in denial, living a lie, and living in sin and darkness.  If that’s not the pot calling the kettle black…   *sigh*

Ok – I’m done venting for now.  Like I said in my 2nd post on his blog (and last) – I’m over it. 

~smj

Blast from the past.. (Feb 82)

So… for shits and giggles.. I pulled out my old diary… I hadn’t looked in there in a long time.   I randomly opened to Feb, 1982…  when I was in my sophmore year of high school and 15 years old.

I wrote:

on 2/7/82

…..Tomorrow I’m gonna be grounded. I’ve got a D in SS and we get our report cards tomorrow. Bummer! Now I’m gonna be grounded for recess.  I’ve got to get my ass in gear. (how many times have I said that?) What worries me more than that are my absents. 7. Dad’s gonna bitch more about that.  Maybe I can change it to a 4.  Mom being home all the time now since she quit working is a real pain in the ass.  I have to listen to her nag first thing when I walk in the door after school.  Plus, she picks through my room.  I’ve been arguing with her a lot lately.  I’m not sure who starts it or what about exactly.  She bugs me though.  In just about everything she does.  I can hardly stand it.  Maybe since she bothers me so much I’m automatically snotty to her.  Sometimes, I think she is looney.  I guess that’s pretty rude to say, but that’s how I feel a lot of the time. Friday night I stayed at Kelsey’s.  Her bf got us some Boone’s Farm wine – Tickled Pink. Yum. We sat in the woods on the bridge and drank it and talked and talked.  She was telling me about her parents and stuff that happened when she was little.  I’ve heard it all before, but I think it’s good to get these things out…

2/8/82

I thought we got report cards today but we didn’t.  I’m so disappointed (sure!). Tonight, Dad was taking some pictures of me with my new camera.  I wanted to send one to M.  Dad said he wanted one of me too because he didn’t have any recent ones.  I liked modeling, kind of.  I did my hair and makeup.  It was fun.  Until Mom started acting all weird.  She tryed telling me he was trying to take dirty pictures of me… or “cheesecake” pictures as she called them?!?  I couldn’t believe her.  I don’t know how she can serioulsy believe or say that! It really upsets me.  She says she doesn’t trust him.  Then, when I said, “well, I do” – she gets mad and starts throwing that shit at me about him making my brothers and me think against her. THAT I really hate!! If I have any bad thoughts about her, they got there by themselves.  Dad wouldn’t think of exploiting me or anything.  As if! I mean come on! I’m sure!! The thought of it makes me sick! I know Dad was pissed too.  K wasn’t in school again today. Ths time she really was sick, I think. I see H in the halls.  Usually with her bf.  What an ASS.  Well better go.

2/9/82

Howdy. Today was ok, in spite of the fact that I got grounded.  Dad only yelled at me for about 10 minutes or so.  He didn’t see my report card until about 9:00 when I got home from babysitting.  He would have yelled more if I hadn’t changed my absences. I changed an 8 to a 5.  I used my nail file to scrape over it, then I filled over what I wanted to stay there again.  It worked great. Mom didn’t even look.  She didn’t say much of anything.  Maybe Dad will let me off for Recess.  I’m not counting on it. I stayed after school in Industrial Arts.  I wanted to. I get so much more done then I do in class.  I hope I can at least get an A in that.  But, I hear he grades harsh.  I don’t think I’ll mind being grounded for vacation all that much.  I haven’t been going anywhere’s a lot lately anyway. Besides, I’ll want to sleep in on vacation anyways…

 ==========

 And so went my teen life…

It’ s funny… I remember the picture incident vividly.  I was really confused when I realized what my mom was implying.. and then shocked and disgusted.  I have the pics from that day..  I am wearing a blouse… buttoned up to my chin practically… but with my hair all done nice, and make up on.  I was trying to look pretty because I wanted to send a picture to my boyfriend who lived an hour away from us.  But, I certainly would never try to look sexy with my Dad taking pics…  gross.  Still makes me mad thinking about how my mom made me feel that night…  dirty or something.  When I had done nothing wrong.

I did get a couple decent pictures out of it though…  I even ended up getting one with my brother… and one with my mother… and had my mom take one of me and my Dad.  I actually love those pics… but, it’s bittersweet because of the other part of the memory that goes with it. 

 ~smj

Forgive me, so I can forgive myself…

(Do we NEED to believe in God in order to forgive ourselves?  I hope not…  but, maybe we do? Or at least, maybe MANY of us do???)

So, I mentioned that I had been going back and forth with a friend about religion, etc… 

One of the many links/articles she sent me was a link to this article called “The Adulteress: A Stone’s Throw from Grace” (found here:              http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2007/julaug/4.58.html?start=2)

Now, she sent this, because she was trying to explain how she is NOT judging gay people, or ANYONE… and, how GOD doesn’t want to condemn people to hell… how Jesus Saves, etc.   As in the story, Jesus didn’t condemn the adulteress but says the old “let he who has not sin cast the first stone”.  Now… of course I’ve heard this story, and this message a million times.  Well, I finally read the article she sent me anyway…  and, one part, towards the end, struck me.  I felt a light bulb “ah-HA moment”. 

It was this part:

“We hear you, Lord. What a relief to know that because of your grace, we can leave behind the past, as this woman did, and walk in a whole new direction.”

Now, like I said, this message is nothing new.  What clicked was how it pertained to my friend.  You see, my friend is constantly saying of herself, “who am *I* to judge after everything *I* went through, and my own past”… etc., etc.  She is quick to admit she’s made her mistakes… and then quick to explain how much better she knows now. 

This is probably all true.  That’s not what made me go “ah-HA!”. 

What suddenly became really clear to me, is that my friend feels awful guilty about some of her past mistakes.  As I’m sure many of us do.   However, I think, she was really, reeeeally beating herself up over things  – for years.  I think she got herself into a vicious circle because of that… and I don’t think I even realized just how bad she was hurting.  She doesn’t want to “be” that person that made those mistakes.  She didn’t want to accept that was “her”.   But, I think, no matter how she tried, she couldn’t shake it.  She couldn’t accept that the “good person” she wanted to be, would make the “bad” mistakes she had made. 

I think, finding “God”, and believing that he could love her… in spite of her sins… allowed her to love herself again.  Gave her back her respect…. allowed her to let herself start over.  Just like the adulteress in that story.  After all, if GOD could forgive her and love her… of course she should too, right? 

I don’t know why this is all so interesting to me all of  a sudden.  I’ve heard countless stories from folks with very checkered pasts, who become born again.  It actually was a pet peeve of mine when I was a teen.  Heck, my teen leader was one of them (and he was pretty creepy).  I didn’t think I should listen to him when a month ago he was a big drug addict and loser, just because now he’d “found God”. 

I’ve also often thought that maybe religion helped people cope… period.  With whatever.  And, maybe they needed it, for whatever reasons. In my mom’s case, because of her illness and to deal with how she grew up.  Or to deal with loss… grief.  I’ve even envied others at times because I couldn’t seem to get any comfort myself from religion with all my skeptical views.   So, the “needing” religion isn’t a new idea to me either.

But, I am getting a different side of this now…
When applying this to my friend’s situation, I’m seeing this in a whole new light. 

I’m not even sure it’s the forgiving ourselves aspect that I’m finidng so interesting here.  Surely, this is not a new concept either?  But, I’m not sure that I had thought that this might apply to my friend.  But, I think that’s exactly it.  Maybe she needs religion in order to live with herself?   Maybe, it really did “save her” from her own guilt.  I don’t think she could accept the mistakes she had made.  When, in my opinion, they were not even all that bad.  She was young and naive and HUMAN.  It’s not like she belongs in prison or anything.  Yet, I think, she was creating her own prison.  She had herself trapped.  She needed God, or the idea of God, to forgive her and give her the strength to set her free. 

Is it so bad to admit that we are just human?  Can we not admit when we make a mistake… and say, “yeah, I fucked up. Bad!”, and try to learn from it?  Try to understand how it happened?  Try not to let it happen again? and, try to move on?  Of course we all make mistakes.  Do we need to have a God to forgive us and love us, in order to love ourselves??  Maybe some of us do? Maybe all of us do? 

Which leads me to my bigger light-bulb feeling. 

Do I need this???
Is that part of my problem? 
That I can’t forgive myself for whatever terrible things I’ve done?  Including things that were not even my fault??  And, I don’t have enough faith to believe in a God that can forgive me either?  

 Would *I*, or any of us,  even have felt THAT kind of guilt if we didn’t have relgion and God shoved down our throats in the first place???  

I don’t know… 

Talk about vicious circles…

This is not really coming out right and I’m having trouble explaining my “ah-HA moment”.  Sorry if I’m rambling incoherently.    

I am going to have to mull this one over a bit…

~smj

And now- for something completely different…

Ok – I have been whining, and getting some pretty good feedback, validation and encouragement. Thank you. I needed that. Please stay tuned, as I’m sure I will take this very good advice and continue to bitch and moan about my childhood. I DO think it helps me sometimes to vent and just spit it all out there…

However, let’s pause for a brief commercial break…

So, have you seen that stupid extreme makeover commercial that uses the “it’s alright to cry” song?  The one that goes:

It’s all right to cry
Crying gets the sad out of you
It’s all right to cry
It might make you feel better

It’s a funny commercial, stupid..  and very effective as I keep getting it stuck in my head. 

I am thinking I might do a re-mix of it… maybe turn it into a youtube video and change the lyrics to:

It’s all right to blog
blogging gets the built-up-emotional-crap-that’s-been-festering-for-years-and-years out of you
It’s all right to blog
It might make you feel better

Whaddaya think?  Catchy, isn’t it?? 
I bet wordpress steals it from me now.  >:/

but,
before I start going off on any tangents about it, let’s all just enjoy this classic version from Rosey Grier, shall we??