Christian by default?

We have a new temp secretary where I work.  I’ve only known her for a few weeks now… and worked with her as her supervisor.  She’s nice enough… and trying to do a good job.  Like so many others where I work, she made it obvious she was a deeply religious Christian.  Which is fine with me… Whatever floats your boat… as long as you don’t try sinking mine if it is different than yours, I don’t care. 

When we went to lunch, she made a big point of bowing her head and saying a prayer before eating.  I patiently waited with my eyes open… but, did not participate.  A few times, she started talking about spirits and demons… and faith and God.  I politely listened, and then politely kept changing the subject.  I saw no reason to delve into my complicated background and (probably offensive to her) beliefs. 

She was a little over the top for me…  talking about angels and spirits and demons… and visits from past relatives.. and no coincidences.  I listened… but, told her I was a rather skeptical on such things but that I was glad she found peace in this.  Then, I tried to not go there again… and stick to work with her.  Still, I liked her well enough, and we could joke around a bit and work well together for the most part.  

Then, one afternoon she flat out asked me out of the blue , “do you go to church on Sundays?”… I truthfully and without any excuses or guilt said, “nope”.  Silence on her end and a questioning look seemed to beckon a further explanation from me.  I sort of thought I shouldn’t have to explain… but, found myself saying nonchalantly anyway, ”I use to go. I grew up going 3-5 times a week.  But, I had enough and some bad experiences with it.  So, I no longer go”.  And, I left it at that.  I went back to work on my PC… and ignored her disapproving, questioning look.  She muttered something like, “seems like that happens.  I never went to church until I was went on my own when I was in my 20’s and was saved”.  I just said, “mmHmmm”, and didn’t really respond.  I really was busy anyway…

She’s been there for about 4 weeks now…  and, we seem to be getting along just fine.  This past week I helped her make the transition into a different temp postion down the hall while her permanent replacement moved in with me.  I liked her… but, I like my friend that is taking the job perm with me better. 

Anyway, today, she was telling me some of the struggles of her new position… and she was very nice saying that she would rather be working with me… and that she really enjoyed working with me… and that I am a “good spirit”.  OOooooo Kay.  I’ll take that.  So, I said, Thanks.  She went on to say that she likes most everyone in our program/area…  and that she’s happy to be working around so many Christians like me. 

HUH?

Wait.  Now…  in my head… the brakes were going on…  I thought back… now, WHEN did I ever give her the impression that i am a Christian?  Because I was polite?  Because I was nice?  Because I listened to her?  I debated on if I should correct her, or let her believe that I was a Christian.  But, before I could say anything duty called and we were back to work. 

So, now I wonder…  do I let her believe what she wants to believe?? Or, do I politely somehow correct her and let her know I’m not really a “believer”? 

My gut tells me I should fess up… but, my brain wonders why I should have to fess up to not being something that I NEVER said I WAS???? 
And why the hell is this even all coming up where I work?  I mean really?  WTF? 

I guess, I’ll have to politely tell her the next time she implies I am “with her”… that I am not really “with her”.  It’s sad really, because I bet her whole opinion of me, and maybe even where we work will change if I do.  Sort of ridiculous.  Plus, I hate to get my “good spirit” comment revoked and get myself on yet another prayer list….    

*sigh*
~smj

Personalizing

One of the books I read a while back, that really hit home with me and I felt the need to recently re-visit was “My Parents’ Keeper: Adult Children of the Emotionally Disturbed (Paperback)”.  I bought it shortly before I started this blog back in 2006…   and before that point, I never heard of an ACMIP (Adult Child of a Mentally Ill Parent). 

Up until that point, I hadn’t really taken the time to look into the history of mental illness on my mother’s side of the family…  or thought too much about what her problems might be… and/or how this all may have impacted me.  When I finally started researching a bit on the taboo subject (because it was never something really admitted or discussed openly around my house), and started really trying to learn more… really tried to understand things - so much made sense. 

The following excerpt from this book was one of those things that hit home for me:

Personalizing

One error that people frequently make when communicating needs and feelings has to do with personalizing the problem.  Personalizing means assuming that other people’s behavior is always determined by their feelings toward you.  For example, you may assume they act the way they do, because they don’t care about you or dislike you.

As an ACMIP, you felt responsible for everything that went right or wrong at home.  The mood swings of an unstable parent always seemed related to something you did, or failed to do.  Little wonder that, as an adult, you assume the feelings and reactions of others all have to do with you.

As a child, experiencing yourself as the center of the universe, it may have been difficult for you to understand that the inadequate parenting you received was not aimed at you, and was not an attempt to hurt or punish you.  Only when you got somewhat older could you see that your disturbed parent behavior had little to do with you or what you deserved.”

I read that, and was like – “wow! that’s me!”.  When I read the middle paragraph in quotations above explaining WHY a child with a Mentally Ill parent would feel this way even more so than average - it made so much sense.  

I have ALWAYS, for as long as I can remember, have taken full responsibility (or blame) for not only my own actions, but often everyone around me too.  I do it so much that for years I have joked about it – telling my friends, “just tell (whomever) that it was all my fault”… and even though I said it half jokingly – the truth is, I always DID feel like whatever happened was usually “my fault”.   Like I had some invisible power over my friends or situations and I should have been able to do something to change them/things/whatever. 

My closest friends have commented for years that I’m too hard on myself… or that I often over analyze and feel guilty over too many things. I’ve written about feeling “guilty” in this blog several times.  I realized a huge part of that guilt comes from this “personalizing”. 

When I was a child, I absolutely felt responsible for my mother’s mood swings and so much more.  I did try to do whatever I could to make her happy, to not set her off on a tangent, to keep the peace between her and my dad, etc.  I was always on the “look out” – anticipating her moods and needs.  Not to mention literally feeling like it was my responsibility to ”save” my own father’s soul.  Hello???  Talk about pressure!! No wonder I “personalize”. 

When I learned this – it was helpful to know.  It didn’t really help me stop doing it all together… but, it helped. 

The same book goes on say about ”personalizing”:

People have hurts, priorities, yearnings and losses that you certainly have not caused.  You are NOT the center of their universe, only your own. 

When you’re feeling responsible for, or hurt by someone’s behavior, you can do two things:

1) Assume that you are probably personalizing.
2) Make a list of at least five explanations for their behavior that have nothing to do with you.

Easier said than done, I’ve found… but, worth a shot to keep trying. 

It has helped, in hindsight… to realize that things my mother did or said that really hurt my feelings or whatever, really had nothing to do with me…  but, rather were a result of HER illness… her problems.  Not only this, (because I think I figured that out a while back) – but, realizing that it was MY own interpretations of things -  my personalizing things –  that made the hurt and resentment even worse.  Not that I didn’t have good reason for feeling like that as a child… but, as an adult, I can now understand more and really let go of negative thinking and deep rooted resentment and hurt in the process.  

~smj

To me… when I was 13…

Whelp… I’ve been tagged… by Rebecca from her “Fictional Reality” blog.   The idea is to write a letter to yourself when you were 13.  This was her post – “Tag! You’re it!“, and is a good read that leaves one wondering… “what exactly happened at her cousin’s wedding anyway??”.  =)… 

It is funny that not too long ago, I wound up writing a post called “If I could go back in time… “.  In that post, I wound up writing about what I would tell myself if I could go back 6 years ago… when I was pregnant with my 2nd son, had a 5 year old son, and was taking care of my dieing father. 

I didn’t plan to write it… it just rolled off…  and the really weird thing is that only a couple days later, I wound up face to face with a pregnant woman – pregnant with her 2nd son, and she has a 4 year old son, and she had just lost her mother.  I wound up in a deep conversation with her, even though we hardly knew each other… and, saying many of the same things to her that I had just written about. 

Anyway – now, I’m faced with writing to my 13 year old self… and I can’t help but wonder if there is some poor 13 year old out there, that is  going thru a similar time that I had, and will suddenly appear after this post and engage me in deep conversation…   ???  Wouldn’t that be something???

Before I begin my letter, I’d like to say that I remember being 13 very well…  and I have my old diary to remind me of just where my mindset was those days.  At that time, I was going thru some major rebellion and learning curves of my own.  I sort of doubt that I would listen to any adult back then too much…  probably not even myself since I’m now “old”.  LOL  But, also true to my nature then and now, I will tell myself what I think should be said, whether the 13 year old me wants to hear it or not!   So, here goes….

Dear Samantha Jane… 
(yes, I know that is not your real name…  and I do not know WHY your mother always called you that…. and it’s even MORE of a mystery as to why 29 years later you would chose it for your blog name?? What’s a “blog”, you ask?  Ohh… never mind!)

I know you don’t think anyone can possibly understand where you are coming from, or how you feel…  but, you should know that if anyone can, I can.  And, all in all, I don’t think you need too many pointers. You actually did a pretty darn good job of surviving your teen years, and you obviously make it thru alive.  Better yet, you make it through with a rather positive outlook on life and a smile on your face. You have a better head on your shoulders than you realize… and all in all, you have a pretty good life.  But, now that I’m 41, I can think of a few things that might have been nice to know when I was your age (13).   So, maybe, jusssssssssssst maybe – you can take some of these pointers into consideration, ok? 

1)  You are not alone.  You might feel like you are…  but, someday, they are going to have this thing called “the Internet”, and you are going to be able to read about all kinds of people whom you can actually relate to and went thru similar situations.  That alone, is sort of comforting to me now… so, I thought if might make you feel better. 

2)  Your parents both love you very much.  Yes, they have their issues with each other and in general.. but, never doubt that they both love YOU.  Not the “you” that you think you need to pretend to be – but the REAL you.  They do.  You may have them fooled on some things… but, if/when they find out the truth (and ummm… they will eventually), guess what?  They still love you.  Believe it.

3) Your brother’s love you too.  Even your oldest brother whom you swear hates you and loves to see you get in trouble.  Yeah, he might be a little jealous of you sometimes, but he truly cares about you so much that he worries about you more than you know.  He would do anything for you… and there winds up being a few times that he actually really helps you out.  Don’t be afraid to talk to him, and know that both of your brother’s always have your back. 

On the other hand, realize that just because your brothers would never hit a girl… there are other guys out there that will.  You might want to think twice before you dump your drink down that jerk’s pants when your 19… even though, he totally deserved it.  But, if you DO decide to do it… then, after you pick yourself up off the floor (after the 2nd time you go down), and the whole bar is holding him back??  – Use a fist when you swing over the little bar-tenders head and hit him (instead of an open hand slap to the head).  Then still take him to court, press charges, and sick your brother’s on him! The nazi-rat-bastard!   

4)  OK – this is a hard one.  About your Mom….  While, yes, she loves you… you should know that she has some bigger issues than just being a religious fanatic.  She has some real mental health issues.  Don’t laugh.  It’s not funny.  I know you joke about it, but don’t really believe this right now.  It’s scary… but, it’s true.  No, she’s not like her mother… but, it is more than just her religious outlooks, or her relationship with Dad.  She’s looses touch with reality sometimes.  I think you’re better off knowing this.  I think everything will be less confusing and scary if you learn a little about it. 

You don’t need to confront her on it… it won’t do any good… and don’t expect Dad to want to talk about it either – because he’s also afraid to believe this.  He’s afraid of what people will think about your whole family if they know.  His silence on these issues is both his being in denial, and because he’s trying to protect you.  But, don’t YOU be afraid anymore.  You are NOT like your mother… and you don’t have these same issues that she has.  Her problems are completely unrelated to you.  However, her problems DO affect you.  Try to learn a little about schizophrenia or mental illness in general… and, know that when she does things, it’s NOT YOUR FAULT.  It’s also not her fault….  but, mostly realize there’s nothing you can do to make her better. 

5)  Matter of fact, you should know that a lot of things are NOT your fault.  You have a tendency to put way too much pressure on yourself.  It’s good to take responsibility for yourself… and your own actions.  But, you need to understand that there are many things that you just have to deal with…  but can not control. Try not to feel so guilty all the time.

6)  Your Dad is not going to Hell.  And either is your brother, or you, or anyone else that you love and worry about.  It is not up to you to save them.  And yes, it is wrong for your mother and other church people to put that kind of expectations and pressure on you.  Don’t let them anymore. Stop worrying – and go with your gut.  When you have questions, ask them.  It’s okay to wonder, doubt, ask, and learn.  The more you learn, the better you’ll feel – and the sooner you’ll feel better.

7)  The world is not black and white.  Everything isn’t either good or bad.  There is plenty of gray area.  Don’t be so quick to think you know the answers.. or that someone else does.  You know? You are very good at putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.  You are easily able to sympathize and empathize with folks.  You seem to naturally want to help people (and animals).  Keep doing that.  The more you do that.. the more gray you see… and that’s a good thing. 

8 ) Also, don’t think you have to have this charade of a split personality.  Both “sides” are ALL YOU – and, the “whole you” is actually pretty special.  Those that really care about you, will appreciate your being honest with them and the “whole” you, way more than only getting the parts of you that you THINK they want to see.

9) And, don’t worry about what other people think about you too much…   Ironically, the more you are yourself… the more confident you are… and the less you try to please everyone else… the more people like you… and the better you’ll feel. 

10)  You’re Dad always tells you that “boys always want what they can’t have, and then once they get it, they don’t want it anymore”.  He’s right.  99% of the time this seems to be the case.. especially for teenage boys.  But, this goes both ways… and if there’s ever a boy that you reeeeeeeeelly think you like soooooo much… and you’re feeling sooo hurt over, think about how this might be applying to you. 

11)  Speaking of boys…  You are right to not have any big desire to get a serious boyfriend any time soon.  Keep learning from your friends mistakes… and being there for them (your friends) when they need you.  Even years later, don’t ever feel pressured into doing something just because you THINK everyone else is doing it… or that you SHOULD want to. If you don’t want to do something, and/or think you’ll regret it.. then, don’t.  

Here’s 2 more things about boys…  1) While it might not seem believable right now… some day, you’ll have more chasing after you than you ever imagined.  Don’t be so afraid of this when it happens.  Have fun.  You don’t have to be serious with any of them if you don’t want to.  Give a few more of them a chance then you do.  because..   2) Someday, when you least expect it, and aren’t looking for it… you WILL meet someone who really loves you and wants to be with you forever.  (and, wait til you see your kids… but, we’ll let that be a surprise.  =)

12)  Your friends mean the world to you right now.. and that doesn’t change.  Don’t ever lose sight of how much you need your friends…  but, do question if someone really IS a friend.  Friendship is a two way street.  You don’t have to follow along with any “friends” that aren’t really looking out for your best interest.  Don’t be so quick to follow…  you can be a great leader when you want to. 

13)  Why don’t you try out for a few more activities?  I know you don’t want to do cheerleading (like your father wants), but, you might like to be on a girls sports team… or maybe even in the Drama club? You know you love to sing.  Don’t NOT do things just to spite anyone… and don’t be so nervous… you can do it! 

14) Think twice about giving up on your piano lessons.  I know it’s hard to learn from mom… but, she really is an excellent pianist… and you COULD play like that someday if you stick with it.  If you don’t… you’ll always regret it. 

15) About Gram and Pa – Visit them, and talk to them, and listen to their stories about your Dad (even though you’ve heard them a million times) every chance you get.  Take in every wrinkle and twinkle in their eyes… 

16) Have fun at concerts..  but, do yourself a favor and don’t chug Jack Daniel’s from a wine sac… 

17) You, are NOT fat.  Some day, you are going to look back at how you look now… and think, “wow!  I was actually pretty good lookin!”.  I know that isn’t going to resonate with you… so maybe at least this advice will.  Please try to understand that there is NOT miracle pill…  or miracle diet…  Save yourself years of yo-yo dieting.  The only way you will ever be thin and healthy is if you eat right… and exercise.  Surprise Surprise. 

18) When you write in your diary…???  Try to write a little bit more about Mom and Dad and Gram and Pa and family events and stuff…  I know it’s easier to write pages and pages about boys and parties and girlfriends… but, trust me on this…

19) Speaking of your Diary…. do you REALLY think Mom isn’t going to read it??  You might want to hide it a little better.. or, leave out a few parts… then again, never mind.  That all plays out for a reason…

and last but not least:

20)  and this is very important…  it could save you YEARS of frustration.  So listen up.  

You, my dear, have naturally wavy hair that has a mind of it’s own.  All the blow-drying, curling irons, and hot rollers in the world will NEVER tame it or enable you to have that feathered back “Farah Faucet hair” that all your friends seem to have.  What you need to do is just brush it once when it’s wet, then put gel in it, scrunch it, and then do NOTHING.  Maybe pick it out a little when it dries and spray it.  That’s it.  Women will tell you for many many years that they would kill for your hair.  It’s one of your only re-deeming features in later years. Try to quit hating it so much and work with it.  =)

Ok – that’s it…  Sorry it was so long and I babbled on and on.  SOME things NEVER change….

~smj

 Now…. if anyone’s interested…  here’s a link to Brad Paisley’s song along these lines – called, “If I could write a letter to me”.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fqtbMHfpXY

 -  oh – and if anyone is still reading this…. consider you yourself tagged!  =)

Is Disney evil??

A friend of mine emailed me today regarding being worried that her brother in law has gone over the deep end with religion.  This is interesting, since this friend is a fairly new convert to Christianity herself.  Yet, even she see’s there’s something not right here…  She said that she came back from a visit with her family for the holidays.  And, that her brother in law is becoming more and more religious.  She said she couldn’t help to think about all the stories I had told her about growing up with my mom. 

One of the things she was upset about was that her young neice and nephew were not going to be allowed to play with most of the presents she and her parents had bought them.  She said they are probably all in the garbage by now.  Apparently, Disney is evil…. and they are not allowed to watch Disney movies or play with Disney items because they have witches and evil spells. ? She said they are afraid to watch anything, and my friend thought this was all a bit extreme.  She asked if my mother was the same way about stuff like that when I was a kid, etc. 

I wrote back:  

My first reaction when I read your note was a deep sigh and a sad feeling for the kids.  It’s a terrible thing to live with so much damn fear of everything all the time… and that’s what it is.  Fear.  Fear of hell.  Fear of anything “evil”.  Fear that you are not doing what God wants.  It’s ridiculous.   

So, she won’t let their kids watch Disney?  Come on.  Does she know the witches are PRETEND!!?!?.  It’s a freaking STORY people.  And, not for nothing, but do you know how many gory, violent, and sexually deviant stories there are in the bible??  You don’t hear about those ones as much.   I’m sorry.. I know it’s suppose to be “the good book”… but, there’s a lot in there that I don’t particularly want to have to go into detail with my kids anytime soon.  And talk about scary.  ??  What about all the sacrifices, demons and devils, HELL, daughters sleeping with fathers, babies being slaughtered, famine, plagues, wars.  Sheesh! 

But, unfortunately, I am not TOO surprised either.  Because, yes  – My mother was like that.  She saw evil in EVERYTHING. I’ve often joked about how we could be watching the old 50’s sitcom “Happy Days”, and she would walk in right when someone kissed or something – and she’d say “THAT’s DISGISTING!!”.   

I laugh now… but, it was rather nerve-wrecking when I was a kid.  It’s terrible to always be on the lookout for evil lurking around every corner… to feel like you’re always doing something “bad”, “wrong”, ”disgusting”, or “sinning”.  I always had one finger on the channel changer on the TV and on my radio in case my mother walked in.  

When you are really young – you believe everything your parents tell you… and you naturally want to please them.  What happens when you can’t?  I was afraid and worried a lot.  As I got older and more skeptical (thanks to my atheist father and common sense), even though I didn’t believe everything my mother did… I still was always worried about how she would interpret things, or what she would think about something (or me).  It forced me to still see everything as “evil” – knowing how SHE thought.  Talk about living on egg-shells.  For young children, this is abusive – if you ask me.  Intentional or not.   

Since you asked… if I were you – I would probably try to talk to my brother.  Ask what he thought.  How or why he was “okay” with the things that I thought were pretty “out there”.  Tell him how I felt and saw things… what worried me and why.  Take it from there. 

When it comes to something I think is really important – I tend to prefer to speak my mind with the hopes that it MIGHT help… and knowing I at least “tried”… even if there’s a bigger chance that it might just tick someone off.  But, that’s me….  and I have a big mouth.  Actually, that was how my Dad was… and my brother’s are to… so, it probably would make it easier for me to approach them.   

Although, I remember having it out with my one brother once –  years ago. They were on the verge of a divorce, and while I didn’t really want to get involved, I felt like I needed to try to help.  It was not easy even for me to talk to him that time because I knew he didn’t like what I had to say… and it didn’t go over well at the time… and we did get in a big fight.  I do think it actually helped in the long run and am glad I did it.  But, yeah… it doesn’t always help… and there probably were times I should have just kept my mouth shut.  Still… never stops me.   

Maybe I can call you later… 

 

I am almost afraid to call her.  I doubt highly she will actually try to reason with her brother, and doubt even more that even if she does that it will help.  I almost am afraid to talk to her on such matters, because I figure it’s a matter of time before her family or Christian friends tell her that she shouldn’t even BE talking to me since I’m not Christian and therfore can’t help her. 

UGH

I can’t help going back to my initial reaction to her words…”a deep sigh, and feeling sad for the kids”.

  ~smj

Forgive me, so I can forgive myself…

(Do we NEED to believe in God in order to forgive ourselves?  I hope not…  but, maybe we do? Or at least, maybe MANY of us do???)

So, I mentioned that I had been going back and forth with a friend about religion, etc… 

One of the many links/articles she sent me was a link to this article called “The Adulteress: A Stone’s Throw from Grace” (found here:              http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2007/julaug/4.58.html?start=2)

Now, she sent this, because she was trying to explain how she is NOT judging gay people, or ANYONE… and, how GOD doesn’t want to condemn people to hell… how Jesus Saves, etc.   As in the story, Jesus didn’t condemn the adulteress but says the old “let he who has not sin cast the first stone”.  Now… of course I’ve heard this story, and this message a million times.  Well, I finally read the article she sent me anyway…  and, one part, towards the end, struck me.  I felt a light bulb “ah-HA moment”. 

It was this part:

“We hear you, Lord. What a relief to know that because of your grace, we can leave behind the past, as this woman did, and walk in a whole new direction.”

Now, like I said, this message is nothing new.  What clicked was how it pertained to my friend.  You see, my friend is constantly saying of herself, “who am *I* to judge after everything *I* went through, and my own past”… etc., etc.  She is quick to admit she’s made her mistakes… and then quick to explain how much better she knows now. 

This is probably all true.  That’s not what made me go “ah-HA!”. 

What suddenly became really clear to me, is that my friend feels awful guilty about some of her past mistakes.  As I’m sure many of us do.   However, I think, she was really, reeeeally beating herself up over things  – for years.  I think she got herself into a vicious circle because of that… and I don’t think I even realized just how bad she was hurting.  She doesn’t want to “be” that person that made those mistakes.  She didn’t want to accept that was “her”.   But, I think, no matter how she tried, she couldn’t shake it.  She couldn’t accept that the “good person” she wanted to be, would make the “bad” mistakes she had made. 

I think, finding “God”, and believing that he could love her… in spite of her sins… allowed her to love herself again.  Gave her back her respect…. allowed her to let herself start over.  Just like the adulteress in that story.  After all, if GOD could forgive her and love her… of course she should too, right? 

I don’t know why this is all so interesting to me all of  a sudden.  I’ve heard countless stories from folks with very checkered pasts, who become born again.  It actually was a pet peeve of mine when I was a teen.  Heck, my teen leader was one of them (and he was pretty creepy).  I didn’t think I should listen to him when a month ago he was a big drug addict and loser, just because now he’d “found God”. 

I’ve also often thought that maybe religion helped people cope… period.  With whatever.  And, maybe they needed it, for whatever reasons. In my mom’s case, because of her illness and to deal with how she grew up.  Or to deal with loss… grief.  I’ve even envied others at times because I couldn’t seem to get any comfort myself from religion with all my skeptical views.   So, the “needing” religion isn’t a new idea to me either.

But, I am getting a different side of this now…
When applying this to my friend’s situation, I’m seeing this in a whole new light. 

I’m not even sure it’s the forgiving ourselves aspect that I’m finidng so interesting here.  Surely, this is not a new concept either?  But, I’m not sure that I had thought that this might apply to my friend.  But, I think that’s exactly it.  Maybe she needs religion in order to live with herself?   Maybe, it really did “save her” from her own guilt.  I don’t think she could accept the mistakes she had made.  When, in my opinion, they were not even all that bad.  She was young and naive and HUMAN.  It’s not like she belongs in prison or anything.  Yet, I think, she was creating her own prison.  She had herself trapped.  She needed God, or the idea of God, to forgive her and give her the strength to set her free. 

Is it so bad to admit that we are just human?  Can we not admit when we make a mistake… and say, “yeah, I fucked up. Bad!”, and try to learn from it?  Try to understand how it happened?  Try not to let it happen again? and, try to move on?  Of course we all make mistakes.  Do we need to have a God to forgive us and love us, in order to love ourselves??  Maybe some of us do? Maybe all of us do? 

Which leads me to my bigger light-bulb feeling. 

Do I need this???
Is that part of my problem? 
That I can’t forgive myself for whatever terrible things I’ve done?  Including things that were not even my fault??  And, I don’t have enough faith to believe in a God that can forgive me either?  

 Would *I*, or any of us,  even have felt THAT kind of guilt if we didn’t have relgion and God shoved down our throats in the first place???  

I don’t know… 

Talk about vicious circles…

This is not really coming out right and I’m having trouble explaining my “ah-HA moment”.  Sorry if I’m rambling incoherently.    

I am going to have to mull this one over a bit…

~smj

I’ve been on a Mission (not from God)

I’ve been on a mission.

I have a reeeeeeally strong desire to now say, “We’re on a mission from God”, but I won’t because it is totally off base here… It’s just that I love that line from one of the all time best comedy movies – the Blues Brothers. (See bottem of my post for details =)

But, no… my mission was definitely not “from God”… and, it was also pretty futile anyway. I found myself in an all out email war with a good friend of mine. A friend I grew up with… and we are still friends… remarkably… because we have almost nothing in common. This has always been true, but has been amplified the last couple years. Ever since she had her first child, and has suddenly become very religious. She claims she was always religious, but I don’t ever remember it being discussed, or her going to church regularly until she got married a few years back. She also use to be Catholic, but has changed to a Presbyterian church. I think that explains a lot right there.

Now, she knows my history… and my feelings about church. We have always been very open with each other, and pride ourselves on the fact that we can agree to disagree… and be friends in spite of our many differences. I try not to get into too deep of religious type debates with friends, because it doesn’t usually end well. But, she and I went out for our birthdays a while back, and at the end of the night ran into a guy that was the son of a co-worker of hers. She acted like she was long lost friends with this kid, and they talked and talked for a while. We walked away with her telling me what a GREAT kid he was… and of some problems he’d had with his family because he told them he THOUGHT he MIGHT be gay. How his mother disowned him… even though he was such a GREAT kid.

I couldn’t help myself… and, I asked her how she really felt about gays… since I knew how religious she was now… and, into bible-studying, etc… and because I knew what church taught ME when I was a kid. I wanted to know how SHE really felt. If they had succeeded in getting to her on this, as she always seems like a very NON-judgemental person that you can’t help but like. I was shocked at her response… even though I expected it. It confirmed my fears. “They” had gotten to her.

We wound up in a big debate that night, that resulted in my getting somewhat pissed-off/frustrated with her… and asking her to please drop if because it was late, and she was pissing me off. We apologized to each other the next day, not wanting to be disrespectful or hurtful to each other. We then agreed to have a “friendly” debate via email about this. Well, that lasted for the last month or so.

Originally, she told me her beliefs were NOT based mostly on her religious beliefs, but that soon proved to be untrue… and our debate topics ran rapid. I told her once that she was changing the topic quicker than I could disagree with her.

We started off debating whether being Gay is a choice or if you are born that way. And, whether one can “change” being gay? I couldn’t believe she insisted that she loved this kid… and had nothing against gay people, but she also insisted that ACTING out on those feelings was a sin… she compared it to a pedophile acting out, or an alcoholic drinking. ?!? Love the sinner, not the sin, type of argument. She insisted that people could choose NOT to be Gay and become “ex-gay”.

This led into many other topics that I’m sure neither of us are qualified to debate about since neither of us ARE gay or really into politics… Things like:

- Gay = Sin?

- Can you really change and be “ex-gay”?

- What’s so wrong about being gay anyway?

- AIDS – is it a “gay” disease?

- Gay Marriage & Gay parents

- James Dobson and Focus on the Family
(She subscribes to his newsletters, and was sending me articles of his to show why she feels the way she does. I, however, think he’s a big jerk.. and a dangerous one at that and sent her back info to back that up.)

- What is “creditable” data?
(She kept using the Bible, and organizations like Exodus, and NARTH – which I rejected. I kept using data and articles from real life gay people telling their stories on line, and articles about how bogus Exodus and NARTH is, and instead quoting things from American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the National Association of School Psychologists, and the National Education Association.  She, however, dismissed any data from them, saying data can be twisted and she didn’t believe them any more than I believed the bible. So where the hell was I going with that?)

- What constitutes discrimination

- Premarital sex in general and Celibacy

- abortion

- and the list went on…. and on… and on… with her on the far right wing… and me either out there on the left, or usually in the middle someplace.

What’s really sad, I think….  here we are… having these debates. On every topic… I am basically taking the stance of, “live and let live”, “who are we to judge”, “love is good, regardless of what form it’s in”… trying to be realistic, accepting, open and considerate of other human beings feelings, opinions, and rights. And here she is… one of the nicest people you will ever meet… embracing Christianity and telling me how great it is and how much God loves me and we are all his children. And, yet – she is the one spreading what I think are unaccepting, judemental, and hateful messages.

I don’t get how can she sit there and schmooze and hug this gay kid when she sees him, telling me what a GREAT kid he is… but, still wholeheartedly believe he is doing something terribly wrong, and needs to change in order to get to heaven… or to be a “good Christian”??  It’s so contradictory to me, but she doesn’t even see it.  She insists that she is NOT judging.  Huh?

Then… what also ticked me off… was she kept making comments about how she was standing up for what she believed in, even if it wasn’t mainstream beliefs.  Like she’s some martyr, and better off being old-fashioned and true to herself.  This was what I said to her regarding that:

“You keep talking about standing up for what you believe, not what everyone else thinks. Do you seriously think that *I* do not do this? Since when haven’t I held up to my own opinions, in SPITE of what others may WANT to hear or think?? Matter of fact, you of all people should know that I’m usually the one you can COUNT on to tell you what I think/believe, and not just tell you what you want to hear. I don’t see your stand on most things as going against the norm. On the contrary, I see it fitting in nicely with what most good Christians believe, and with what your church is teaching you, and with what I was taught my whole childhood.

I may be agreeing with some big organizations, or common belief’s of society – but, this is based on my own logical conclusions, research, experiences, and gut feelings. You think it’s easy to say I don’t really believe the bible is true? I’m afraid to say that out loud to most people… For fear of them thinking I’m some kind of satanic hellion. Seriously, I do not go around advertising that I am agnostic. It’s even hard to admit that we do not go to church to people. You can see the disapproval in their eyes, especially that we are not taking the kids to church. I know a lot more Christians, than I do non-Christians. So, to argue that you are standing up for what you believe, and make it sound like I am “going with the flow” bothers me, and once again I disagree.”

We wound up, after several wasted weeks of emails, once again, agreeing to disagree and calling a “truce”.  We were going nowhere and just wasting time and flirting with really pissing each other off.  I will always love this friend like a sister.  We have been thru a lot together, and I do believe she is a genuine and true friend.  I value her and respect her, in spite of the fact that we can’t see eye to eye on almost anything…  But, man, it’s tough sometimes to agree to disagree over such controversial topics! And, if all our debating was suppose to convince me in any way shape or form whatsoever that going to church, and bible studying, and being a Christian is the way to go…  it didn’t work for me.  At all.

And now… back to my original, totally unrelated comment about being on a mission from God… A kind of mission  that I’d much rather be on…  curteousy of the Blues Brothers… =):

All is fair in love and conversion…

Another post at “de-conversion” got me thinking.  The post is called “My life of proselytization“, this time from HeisSailing…   

In his post, he said:

 ”I witnessed the Gospel of Jesus Christ for most of my adult life”. 

Now, I was much younger  than he was when I was a full force believer.  But, I believe I felt just as strongly.  I believed it all.  I went around trying to “save” all the kids in my neighborhood… but, my main mission was to save my own father.   

HeisSailing made a comment about getting his mom to come to church:

“I would try to convince my mother, once a committed Christian and now a practical atheist, the error of her backsliding ways. I even got her to go to church with me a few times, but not before informing the pastor that I was bringing her and if he would not mind directing a word or two of his message her way.”

This really reminded me of how when I was a young girl, I would be pressured into singing or doing “specials” in front of the church.  Then, I would be asked to put the pressure on my father to come to church to see me.  After all, I was “Daddy’s little girl”, didn’t he want to see me perform?  So, he did come… for at least the first few years of “specials”. 

Each time he said “yes honey, I’ll come see you sing” –  I would report back to my mother.  Then my mother, her friends, the pastor, and my brother and I would rejoice.  He’ s coming!  Hallelujah!  And we’d all pray hard every day until the day of the “special”, that when he came… THIS would be the time the lord would come down and bonk him on the head and turn him into the perfect Christian father and husband.  When it didn’t happen… we’d go back to plan A.  Try, try again.  Repeatedly I was put in this position of trying to save my own father.  For years. 

Eventually, my father stopped coming to every “special” of mine.  He knew the deal… and he didn’t like being approached by the pastor and pressured each time he came either.  It was like the whole church was looking at him when he’d come.  “Here comes that atheist husband and father!”.  They could’ve sold tickets to see the freak atheist!  LOL  So, I can’t blame him for not wanting to come – even at the time.  He probably also sensed the pressure being put on me, and didn’t want to be a part of that either. 

I know it was very hard for him to eventually start telling me, “no honey, I won’t come see you sing”.  I would then have to report back to my mother that I had failed.. he won’t come… I’m sorry.  She would then freak out and get very upset.  She made me feel terrible when he didn’t come.  She’d make me ask him again and again.  And, then they’d argue and she’d try to make him feel guilty for not coming,  and make ME feel guilty and like he didn’t care about me in the process.

Eventually, I didn’t WANT to keep singing either.  (surprise surprise!).  Mostly because I didn’t want to keep pressuring my dad and going thru this.. and because I was starting to have my own doubts about all of it.  Not only about my beliefs, but I started wondering if I even had a good voice or not!  (loletinf!;)  When I finally stood up for myself and said that I didn’t want to do a “special”, I suddenly didn’t feel so special anymore.  Not just my mother, but the church leaders also made me feel really bad.  Like I was a quitter… giving up… back-sliding… and, they then put pressure and guilt trips on ME asking me over and over when I would sing again.  My mother even said something like, “how is your father ever going to be saved now??! ”. 

Looking back, I can’t believe how much plotting and scheming it all was.  The pressure, fear, and guilt used! Unfortunately, since I was in it, I understand their thinking and putting the pressure on my Dad.  They really felt it was their duty and apparently rudeness, politeness, respect, and common courtesy fly out the window when you are trying to save someone’s soul (and do your Christian duty ).  This is bad enough. 

However, what really gets me (and I don’t want to sound whiney here, but) is how could they do that to me?  I was a little girl.  A little CHRISTIAN girl who wanted to believe all they were teaching.  They played me.  They used me.  How could they put that kind of pressure, guilt and fear on me?!?

 And, when I say “they”, it was NOT just by my mother.  It was also her friends, the pastor, the choir director, the church leaders.  What kind of people scare the crap out of a little girl telling her that her father, (who she loved wholeheartedly and was a GREAT Dad) was going to burn in hell?  Tell her that over and over?? Which is bad enough… but, then tack on the, ”unless YOU can save him” part.  ??  And we prayed.. and prayed…  And I cried… and cried…

I just don’t get it. I don’t get how adults, in their right minds, could think this was an okay thing to do.  ??  The “RIGHT” thing to do??  It makes me mad still when I think about it, and leads me to the only logical conclusion I can think of, and that is that they ALL were not in their right minds! 

HeisSailing wrote:

” I then became exhausted from witnessing. I was exhausted and drained from believing that I and my small sect of Christian brethren have the exclusivity on truth and everyone else, no matter what their beliefs, are going to eternal torment. I was sick of believing that I was on the narrow path of righteousness, and my loved ones are on the wide path leading to destruction when in many cases, they are just simply much better people than I am.”

This is a huge part of why I eventually didn’t believe and don’t believe in any one religion, or in religion or God at all really.  Not only because I can’t fathom the idea of my own father going to hell (which is a biggie, I admit), but, also ALLLLLL the other people.  It can’t be.  It makes no sense. 

HeisSailing then wrapped up his post by saying:

“Then I became sick of that guilt, I became sick of that arrogance of exclusivity, I became sick of looking at our life as a trial from God to see if we believed the correct doctrines, and I refused to accept it anymore.”

Like him, I also ”became sick” of these same things…  The eternal dangling carrot, and the constant fear of hell. I am glad to be rid of them.    

PS – If you haven’t already – I suggest you go read HeisSailing’s post in full, as he writes much better than me and makes his points with much better reasoning…

Take care,

~smj

The Call

Saw mom yesterday at my brother’s. She seemed to be doing well… except she started in again about not knowing where she was going to live in a few months… and complaining how broke she is. I mentioned that my oldest brother said she could go there… and she scoffed at the idea. Too far from her church, she said. Well, then, I told her she better start looking into cheaper apartments.

She was fishing… hoping I’d give her the slightest hope of coming to live with me.  She was being downright blunt.  So, I was very careful not to move too fast or give even the slightest glimmer of a chance of this to her.   Sort of like being at an auction, and afraid to move and make a bid.  LOL

After going on and on about how broke she is, she then went on and on about her latest plans for ministries. She’s flying to Nashville for “The Call, Nashville, direct from Tennessee with Lou Engle”. Then, in a few weeks later, she is traveling to help out with some other missionary trip to help (and preach to) folks still rebuilding after hurricane Katrina.

Ok – the Katrina efforts at least sounds like a worthy cause and hopefully they do help some people, and not just preach at them.  I give her credit for wanting to help.  I struggle with believing that is her true reasons for going… but, okay… who cares… as long as it DOES help some people. 

But, this weekend prayer meeting, “The Call”?? Come on.   Now I know why she was talking about fasting before and all.  40 day fast she was doing.  40 days?? 

She is spending her savings faster that she can fill out withdrawal slips. She already sold her home and all her stuff. She is no longer collecting any compensation from her missionary group. She is paying her way for everything. I wouldn’t have a problem with this, if she wasn’t at the same time laying a sob story and a guilt trip on me about where is she going to live and how broke she is. 

But, what REALLY irritated me, is when she implied that I should take my 10 yr old son to this… because “how will I ever know if I don’t”.  ??  Huh?  How will I know what, I asked?  After some hemming and hawing, I realized she was referring to his hearing loss.  My 10 year old wears hearing aids… born with a mild hearing loss.  I was appauled at her suggestion. 

Yeah… that’s JUST what I want to subject my son to.  ?!?  A bunch of people laying hands on him and praying in tongues… trying to tell him to believe that God will heal his hearing.  He would be totally freaked out.  He’s never been exposed to such things (and I hope won’t be anytime soon!). 

 Plus, I told her that I have spent years telling him that his hearing loss is not that big of a deal… just one small part of him, but, something he has to deal with.  How we all have problems and things we have to deal with.  How he is lucky he can have hearing aids and that he is so smart and has everything else going for him.  And, he deals with it very well.  It doesn’t slow him down at all. 

And, now she wants me to get him thinking his hearing loss is something really bad that he should be praying to God to heal?   And, when God doesn’t “heal” him?  Then what?  He can feel like he doesn’t deserve it? 

I told her that he was fine… and God can worry about helping someone else who really needs it. 

 UGH! *sigh* Every once in a while, she reminds me of why I do not want her to watch my kids by herself.  I could totally see her dragging him off to something like that behind my back… 

Then, I get this email from her tonight:

—–Original Message—–
From: (MY MOM)
Sent: Thursday, July 05, 2007 12:34 AM
To: (Everyone and their mother)
Subject: Fw: Another way to be a part of The CALL

Dear friends and family,
Pass it on! I’ll be in Nashville. Maybe see me on TV !

—– Original Message —–
Subject: Another way to be a part of The CALL

In case, you want to participate, or know someone who does, but can’t make it to TN or another planned event… This is another way to join in…

Then, on 7-7-07, GOD TV will broadcast the 12 hour prayer marathon event, TheCall, Nashville, direct from Tennessee with Lou Engle.

GOD TV has previously aired TheCall from London and San Francisco, where tens of thousands of Christians have united to see change come to their nation. Now more than 100,000 will be gathering to pray for moral revival in the USA and GOD TV will be bringing this full 12-hour broadcast LIVE into homes across the USA.

Lou Engle is the visionary and co-founder of The Call solemn assemblies, a movement of prayer gathering young adults to pray and fast for breakthrough and revival. The Call began in Washington, DC in 2000 gathering over 400,000 people to pray and fast for the United States. Since 2000, The Call has gathered hundreds of thousands people to pray both national and internationally. Now, after a few years of dormancy, The Call has been revived beginning in Nashville, and GOD TV will be there to carry it LIVE. Link is below…

http://www.god.tv/

Ok, I’m officially annoyed… 
…. and tired…..

Good night.
~smj

Say what?? God got your tongue?

One of my friends was asking me about speaking in tongues…  this, is a little of my personal experience with it…

I mentioned before about how we switched churches a few times when I was a kid… Starting off Baptist, and then each change leading to a more jubilant Pentecostal/Full Gospel type. We were at one in particular from the time I was about 7 or 8 – until I was about 14 yrs old. I went in there a wide-eyed, full blown Baptist believer kid… and left a skeptical and somewhat bitter teen.

I’ll never forget my first Sunday at that church. The pastor was Italian and screamed constantly. People clapped and shouted “hallelujah!”, raising their hands and yelling “AMEN!” here and there. I was shocked and scared.  I felt like I had entered the twighlight zone.  Surely, my mom wouldn’t like THIS noisy place.  Wrong.  My mom loved it and promptly made us members.

At this church, speaking in tongues was the norm. My mother claimed, she was already a beleiver of it, and that was a big reason she left the Baptist church.  She was right.  Why, she was really good at this game!  I was impressed. She could speak in tongues in over 30 languages!

It wasn’t too long before I started feeling pressured too. Each service, they had alter calls.. and even though I was already “saved”, they also encouraged anyone to come front who the lord was speaking to and needed prayer. I remember wondering, “is God talking to ME??”. I didn’t think I heard anything… and I didn’t WANT to go forward, but, felt like I SHOULD… to make Mom happy… or the pastor. The pastor sounded so needy… “You KNOW who you are! The LORD wants you to come forth. Please, just come forward”. I wish I would have listened to my gut, and stayed put in my pew… but, something else made me feel like I needed to do whatever they were telling me God wanted me to do. Who the hell was I to argue with God???

So, at the ripe age of about 8 or 9, I blurted out my first sentence in tongues. Probably more of a whisper… I closed my eyes… raised my hand… swayed with the music… and let it rip, “ah sha ka al lee do ja boara! (or insert gibberish here)”. Hmmmm?? That wasn’t so hard.  And, wow… I did feel hot!  Was that the holy spirit?  or just my emmense embarrassment??  Whatever it was, it sure made mom proud. And, it wasn’t like I was alone. Nope, now I belonged. So, I did it – but, only ever so often to keep up appearances.  LOL. I never really felt comfortable doing it though. Some part of me always knew it was me… putting on a show.

Eventually, I also fell down on purpose too… so that I could be “slain in the spirit”. Again… every one else was dropping like flies when the pastor would put his hand to their foreheads and loudly pray of them… in English, and in tongues. So, I decided to let it go… he put his hand on my head… and I’m ashamed to admit that I took a dive. Nope, I’m not proud of it… but, there ya go. The power of peer pressure… or elder pressure in my case. Besides, in my defense, I think the Pastor pushed me.

I think , I stopped doing this by the time I was about, 12.  It was too wierd… even for an experienced tongue speaker like me. 

When I was about 14, we switched to an even more dramatic church. Here, every Sunday one person would break out yelling in tongues while people raised their hands and prayed and swayed… then, there’d be a brief silence… and then, someone else would miraculously KNOW what the first person said! Not only WHAT they said, but, WHO needed the message directly from God. (directly? Well.. sort of)

So, the “interpreter” would walk over to some poor lost soul, (it was always very suspenseful to see WHO was going to get yelled at by God that time), and they would lay their hand on them and say loudly, “and the LORD SAYETH UNTO YOU!!!”, and then proceed to give a big lecture on something. And the person getting the message would cry and thank God for telling them that they were such a loser and needed to change their ways.

I remember wondering why God didn’t just tell the first person what he was saying?
And why did he have to go thru the tongues translator?
Could the person who needed the message not hear him?
And, why didn’t he just tell the first person in ENGLISH what he was saying?
And, how could God be doing these miraculous things – speaking thru Brother Bob over there or whomever, EVERY Sunday? 3 – 4 times sometimes?

And why was it that the one guy that always seemed to know what God was saying, was in my eyes, one of the biggest ex-losers on earth – but, now, all of a sudden he’s “saved” and we were all suppose to take his advice as being GOD’s?? It so happened this was the same way I felt about the “teen leader”. (That guy was just plain creepy!!)

Anyway – just a little reminiscing…

Ahhhhhhhhhh… the good old days… yeah… I miss that. 
(*cough cough*) 
Okay, I don’t.  Not at all.  As if?  Who needs that kind of craziness in their life?  I have ENOUGH to figure out.  But, I guess, it would be nice if someone would slay me in the spirit once in a while… I could use a little break  – even if it was laying on the floor.

~smj

I saw the light!

I was the youngest child in our baptist church to be baptized.  The baptists don’t baptize you when you are  a baby like the catholics.  They believe you have to be old enough to understand what you are doing and to want to do it. 

I think it was the summer of 1971.  I was a devout born again.  I loved church and all that it stood for.  I wanted to do everything right.  I was five. 

I remember being home one morning with my mother.  My dad was at work.  My brothers at school.  She was playing the piano and singing away.  I was bored, as usual.  I saw the light in the hallway was still on… and I sat and stared at it… mesmerized… just looking and feeling the burn.  I had never done that before.  And, when I looked away… suddenly I couldn’t see so good.  There was a big spot everywhere I looked.  What had I done???  

Worried, I interrupted my mother’s piano playing.  You had to be insistent to get my mom’s attention…  and I was…  getting a little more frantic each time she didn’t respond and noticing the “spot” was following me everywhere.  

Worried, I asked her, “Mommy?!  What is that light?  That spot following me??”.  Finally, I had her attention.  She curiously examined the room and inspected where I was looking.  She asked me if I still saw it.  I said yes… I was scared. 

She however, suddenly acted like she was filled with glee!  She was so happy, I suddenly was too!  She excitely told me I was seeing the holy spirit!” 

I was confused.  She explained it was sort of like a gohst… but, that it was a GOOD gohst…  it was an ANGEL…  It was a MIRACLE!!  She began praising the lord and praying and hugging me…

She asked me over and over, excited and happy, ”can you still see it?? where was it now??” 

I replied ethusiastically, “yes… it’s there!  no… wait… there!… now there!!  it’s followinig me!” 

 Gradually, the spot faded away and my vision was back.  I was relieved.  She seemed let down. 

 But not for long.  She promptly called the pastor and all her church friends and told them her little girl had just seen the holy spirit..  an angel!  I must be special.  And, that while she was worshiping the lord in song and music… I had been visited by God himself… holy-gohst style!

She was so darn proud. Hell, I was too.  I didn’t know what I did… but, if she thought it was great and said I was special… well, then… It must be!  

She had me meet with the pastor that week, and the following Sunday I was baptized before the church.  He said I was the youngest child he ever baptized.  He asked me, are you sure you know what you are doing?  What it means to be born again and baptized?? I thought, are you kidding?  Of course I knew!  I was five whole years old and a miracle child.  LOL

That Sunday, I remember feeling very confused as I stood in line with all these grown ups waiting to be baptized.  What the heck was going on?  I didn’t even know how to swim yet?  Where was my life jacket??  I was scared… they all assured me it was fine.  When I actually got baptized, I remember him picking me up, in my long wet white shirt, so the congregation could see me.  They all applauded and I thought, wow… am I special or what??  It’s good to be born-again! 

About a week later, I must’ve been bored again and I stared into a light bulb again.  Hey!?!?  Whadda ya know??  The spot was back!!!  This time, my brother was there… he obviously knew about this trick and he stared with me and we both watched the spots come and go. 

I remember silently figuring it out in my head.  I had NOT seen the holy spirit… It was NOT a miracle… It was what happens when you stare in a light-bulb.  Who knew????  Well… now I knew. 

I thought about telling my mother about… but, I didn’t want to disappoint her.  She was so happy.  Besides, had I done something wrong?  Would I get in trouble for lieing?  Even thoght I didn’t know what it was?  And, what about being baptized???  I had already done it.  Would it be in trouble?  Would my mom get in trouble?  

 I decided a couple things that day…

 1) I couldn’t believe my mom about everything… and she didn’t know everything.

2) It was easier to keep my mouth shut and play along than to upset the apple cart. 

I was half right, at least…

 ~smj