In response to “Is Satan Real?”…

A post, over at “suddenly christian” caught my attention…  called “Is Satan Real?”.  It had quite the varied opinions – mostly all coming from very Christian people.  My initial response was posted there and was this:

“I found this whole thread pretty interesting. Amazing really… All the different things people chose to believe in, or not to believe in. ??

I personally don’t believe in Satan… but, then again, I also don’t believe in God – so, this makes perfect sense to me. Sure, I believe in there is “good” and “evil”… but, I don’t think it’s because of God or Satan.

What I don’t understand is how people CAN believe in God, and NOT believe in Satan. ?? If there’s a Heaven… isn’t there a Hell? And, who would it be “running” Hell, then if you don’t believe in Satan? Unless, you also don’t believe in Hell.. which, makes me wonder how you can believe in Heaven? I guess I don’t get how people can pick and chose the parts of the bible they believe in… ??

As for not hearing Satan talked about at church? I was raised baptist, then pentecostal, and we went to a few different churches over the years. I remember lots of sermons about the terrors of hell… and the threats of Satan impacting our lives… and even the casting out of “evil spirits” and demons from people. And, I live in the Northeast US…. I guess, times…. they are a-changin!… LOL To which, all I can say is GOOD…and NOT fast enough!

=)
~smj”

I was also just sort of talking about this in a recent reply I made here on my own blog, where I asked “How do you believe in one part of the bible or concept of God, and not the other parts?”. 

Anyway, I was going to post again in response on John’s site, but decided to just start a thread here instead since I wound up writing so much, and was coming in to that thread late anyway. 

Someone named “Christian” responded to my post  – basically saying it was okay to believe in the light, and not the dark… as “Darkness actually does not ‘exist’. 

I still find this whole concept pretty amazing. 

When I did believe in God… I also believed in Satan… heaven… hell… and all that I was taught at church, at home, and read in the bible.  When I finally began to question things, and eventually could no longer accept the concepts of hell, Satan, and certain bible stories/lessons as the truth – I also was forced to question the “truth” of God, Jesus, Heaven, and the “positives” – and stopped believing in those things as well.  They suddenly didn’t seem to “positive” anymore when I looked at the “big picture”. 

I mean, I see what Christian’s point was about the darkness – but it still doesn’t really make sense to me.  I have been told not to throw out the baby with the bath-water – but, in this case, I just don’t understand how to do that.  The idea of Satan and Hell, is just as nonsensical as the idea of God and Heaven to me.

It does seems that many Christians of today are able to let go of those “negative” concepts, without letting go of the “positives” in their beliefs.  To me, this is a good thing – even though I don’t understand it.  Believe me, I’d much rather be dealing with Christians who DON’T believe in Satan and Hell, and who aren’t condemning me to a pit of eternal hell when I don’t believe what they do.  Unfortunately, I seem to know all the ones who DO seem to think I’m quite doomed.   LOL 

As far as I can tell, religions, and the people belonging to them, tend to change their belief systems and slowly move with the times…  I mean, look at how the Catholic church has “bended the rules” or just plain decided to change the rules in the last decade or so?  And, how many churches DO preach the “positives” now, rather than the “negatives”.  I guess those sermons of hellfire and brimstone just don’t pack em’ into the pews like they use to. 

Like I said, I actually wish this was happening even more – not because it would make me believe, but because I think people would just be nicer to deal with.  But, at the same time – to me – this is also just more proof that “the word of god”, is really the word of mankind, and continues to be adjusted by mankind to suit mankind’s needs/desires. 

~smj

Atheists in foxholes…

I’ve always heard that “there are no atheists in foxholes”…  According to Wikipedia this means:

“The statement “There are no atheists in foxholes” is used to imply that atheists really do believe in God deep down, and that in times of extreme stress or fear, such as when participating in warfare, the belief will surface, overwhelming the less substantial affectation of atheism.”

Is this true?  Do all atheists eventually call out to God – like when they are on their deathbeds?

I have to say no.  And, I say this because of the one atheist that I knew very well… and whom I watched die slowly… and all that went with that.  My father.  And, did I ever see him wobble on this?  Suddenly admit he was wrong and ask for God’s help?  No.  I didn’t.

Matter of fact, I watched him once go into surgery.  It was pretty major surgery (aneurysm repair) and considering all his health issues – he had a good chance of having complications, or death. They told him it was a more difficult surgery than open heart surgery.  Anyway, I was with him at the hospital.  And, after they had him all prepped for surgery I was talking with him.  When, in walks a priest and he says to my father, “hello.  would you like me to pray with you?”.  My father, said, “no. thank you”.  Part of me was thinking, “oh come on Dad.  What could it hurt?”…. but I just stood there, as the priest said, “oh. ok.  are you Catholic?”.  And, I’ll never forget, my dad looked up at him and without a hint of defiance or hesitation, he just said, “nope. I’m an atheist”.  The priest looked at me…  I looked back and shrugged my shoulders at him.  He left the room… and my dad just continued our previous conversation, like nothing at all. 

At the time, I wasn’t sure if that was a wise thing to do or not, but, I did think, that took some pretty big balls.  It also shot that “no atheists in foxholes” theory to hell for me.  I mean, here was my dad… and he knew he could die, and he didn’t think twice. 

And, it makes sense…  I mean… if you REALLY don’t believe in God… why on earth would you want to pray to him – even at death’s door. 

By the way, my dad survived that surgery…. although, it wasn’t easy… and he didn’t actually pass away until a few years later.  When he did die, he knew he was going to die for a few months before he actually did.  He was on hospice care in my home…  and we had time for many many many talks… about life, and death.   Never once did I see him act like he was changing his mind about being an atheist.  I’m sure that in a way, he probably wished that he could.  I mean, lets face it, dying has to be a bit easier if you think you are going to a “better place”.  So, why NOT just repent and ask God into your heart at the last moment?  I tell ya why not…  Because he just didn’t believe.  Period. 

Now, what really always amazes me… is how so many Christians will tell you about people who DO repent on their deathbeds.  TI can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve heard that go something like this:

Christian 1:  ”did you hear Billy’s uncle so-and-so passed away?”

Christian 2:  ”No, he did? Oh, that’s too bad.  Was he a Christian?”

Christian 1: “well, he wasn’t… but, so-and-so prayed with him just before he died and we THINK he asked Jesus into his heart just before he died”. 

Christian 2:  “really?  Hallelujah!”

It amazed me, even when I was a child, how many times this happened.  No matter how “bad” the person was,  this always was the case.  Somebody always prayed with them on their deathbed, and we were always either 100% or 99% sure that they were saved “just in time”.  Don’t you think that’s a little bit convenient?  Both for the dying person, and for all their Christian relatives/friends? I don’t think I ever remember anyone in church ever asking that question “were they a Christian?”, and the other person saying, “no. they are probably in hell”. 

People believe what they want to believe. 

My own brother, (the one who went to church with me for years and isn’t all that religious anymore but, seems to have hung on to parts of it ) – tried to tell me that he thought our Dad might have done this.  ?!?  I was like, “what? when!?”….  He said, he talked to him and they talked about whether or not there was an afterlife and that he (my brother) asked him why he didn’t just ask God into his heart, “just in case”. 

Interested, I asked what my dad’s response was and my brother told me that he didn’t say too much, but, he THINKS that MAYBE he DID think twice, and maybe he did ask him into his heart.   I disagreed, and told him about some of the conversations I had with dad where he was very matter of fact about his disbelief in heaven and hell.. and, about what he did believe happens when you die… which was nothing.  We even talked about his former near death experiences, when he did actually die on an operating table when he was 12 but was revived.  How I never got the  feeling from him at all about having any doubts.  But, my brother didn’t want to hear any of this really… and he tried to shrug it off and say, “yeah.. well.. ya never know.. I think, maybe he did believe”. 

I just looked at my brother in awe… I dawned on me that he just really wanted to believe this. I guess, maybe… he really needed to believe this…  Just like all those other people at church when they spoke of Billy’s Uncle so-and-so or whatever. 

I started to think that if my father didn’t argue with him, or tell him how he really felt – that maybe he did it for a reason.  Maybe he knew that my brother needed to have this hope.   That would be just like my Dad…  not to lie… but, to let you believe what you want to believe. 

So, who am I do try to take that away from him?

But, you can’t make me believe he wasn’t an atheist to the end. 

I’m sure, there are atheists  who DO change their mind… and call out to God when in their final hours… or accept Jesus into their hearts “just in case”, but I know of at least one atheist who did not.

And, apparently, he’s not alone…  I found a few websites dedicated to atheists in foxholes…

http://www.atheistfoxholes.org/
http://ffrf.org/foxholes/

Oooh… why do I bother?

I somehow (tag surfing) accidentally ended up on a blog the other night called “The Ultimate Goal”,  specifically a post entitled “Why Atheism Does Not Exist”.

Some young man there, Adam Smith, was basically preaching the old “let no man be without an excuse” (for going to hell, that is) argument – because he claims that ALL people, miraculously, really DO believe in God.

Yeah.. okay…
Tell that not only to all the atheists, agnostics, but also to all the people of other religions who don’t believe in the same god as his bible.  Not to mention all the third world people who don’t have the energy or time of day to learn about God because they are too busy starving to death. Apparently, they ALL KNOW they are wrong… and are either living in denial, or because they are just plain defying God on purpose and don’t WANT to follow his rules.  I guess, that latter bunch must relish the idea of a permanent retirement home in a a firey eternal pit of torment. 

Anyway – I don’t know why I bothered to respond… when, I know it is useless – but, I did.  Twice.  Basically, telling him he was wrong.  You can imagine how well that worked.  LOL 

I don’t know why I bother?  I guess, there’s some small part of me, that hopes common sense and common curtousy will prevail. It seems it never does in these type situations.  So, I supose I am foolish for thinking it ever will.

I mean, how do you reason with someone who thinks THEY have ALL the answers… even so far as to tell others what THEY really think. ??? (not to mention someone who would try to prove their point by comparing the reality of Hell to the reality of an electric chair.  Huh?).

My comments on his blog sparked a few others….
Some christians wanting to save me…  Some patting this kid on the back telling him how great he’s doing preaching the gospel.  One nice christian made a comment, with the best intentions, I’m sure that went:

“if we knew the cure for cancer and never told anyone, would that be love? the problem is that no one knows they are sick.”

I wanted to respond by saying,
“What if people only TOLD you that you had cancer, just so that they COULD provide THEIR cure? “.  It’s tempting to elaborate on that… but, I didn’t post it, and won’t bother to because it wouldn’t go anywhere anyway, I’m sure.  

The Adam Smith’s of the world are convinced that people like me are in denial, living a lie, and living in sin and darkness.  If that’s not the pot calling the kettle black…   *sigh*

Ok – I’m done venting for now.  Like I said in my 2nd post on his blog (and last) – I’m over it. 

~smj

Greatest Love Story of All Time??

 My very good Christian friend that I was debating all kinds of things with had the following to say to me at one point in our conversations… She said:

 “I think that He (God) totally understands the warped church that you were raised in (good intentions on the part of your Mom I’m sure, but still …), why you think what you think, and no matter what you think about him right now, or where you are with him right now, he loves you. Period. He knows what you’re going to do tomorrow, and even 10 years from now. He’s not frowning down on you because you aren’t reading your Bible every day. Does he miss you? Yes. But is he some unforgiving, mean, judgmental God who only loves you if you do everything “right” (by who’s standards?). No, he loves us “as is”. And forgiveness is what he is all about. How else do you explain Jesus. That is the greatest love story of all time if you ask me.“

 

I know she means well… and she is trying to make me feel the “love” of God… but, is it just me… or does this really have some contradicting messages in it?

First of all, something that annoys me is that people think I am the way I am because I just wasn’t going to the right church.  While, I DO think the churches (plural, because there were in fact several, not one!) WERE warped – I don’t think they are the only ones like that.  And, I’m sure many others went to the same churches with different outcomes, or totally different churches with similar outcomes.   

I know that wasn’t her point.  What I think she was trying to hammer home – was  the idea that God loves me… and is not judgmental… etc.   I get what she was trying to say… but it still doesn’t cut it for me.  I mean, don’t you have to take that part of the message of the bible (the warm fuzzy part), along with the overall message (the warm fuzzy unless you go to hell part)?   I’m sorry, it just…. doesn’t….  make….  sense to me. 

I mean, IF He loves us “as is”…  no matter what… even if we are not “doing everything right”  – then,  why are there so many rules and guidelines on what we can or can not do?  Or on how we should change, or basically live our lives?  Why do we need so much forgiveness?  And ultimately, if he’s so understanding, accepting, and forgiving, and non-judgmental – then why is there so much condemnation and threats of hell?  And, how, can He actually send so many of “his children”, that he loves so and misses so much, to such a place? 

Now, I know the old “love the sinner, not the sin” argument… and the parent/child and unconditional love arguments.  But, I also know that I would never send my child to Hell.  Regardless of whether I WAS right or not… or if they smartened up and listened to me or not?  

Is there such a thing as “tough love” – yes.  Do we need to let our kids learn the hard way sometimes, or even lay in the bed they made to learn a lesson? Yeah.. I guess…  but, that is different than hitting a point where you completely abandon and give up on them – FOREVER.  I suppose some parents do that.  Does that make it right?  Maybe it’s just my warped, agnostic, maternal instincts, but I know that I personally would never completely give up on my kids… let alone condemn them to Hell. 

Apparently, however, that IS what she believes.  That this all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful, loving and forgiving heavenly father of ours will eventually do just that, right?  He will send  any “non-believers” to Hell, right? 

Or, if you want to get into the whole – “He doesn’t SEND us there, we CHOSE it” debate… then, still…  no matter how you look at it, he will at the very best basically LET any non-believers go to hell, right? (Because, I also have a hard time believing that IF He’s all that he’s cracked up to be, He couldn’t stop it if He wanted to.)  Which will bring up the old “free will” argument, and how he wants us to chose, he can’t make us, etc.  Another circular message! 

Just because I don’t believe in something that makes no sense to me, does NOT mean I want to burn in hell eternally.  It’s ridiculous.  And, if he’s so all seeing, all knowing… etc…. you would think he’d know of a way to have handled this whole dilemma better.  There’s a good post on Heather’s I wonder as I wander Blog called, “they shall be without excuse” that gets into that whole aspect of this.  This is like saying that by not believing in Santa Cluas, you are CHOSING to be banished to the Isle of the Misfit Toys.   ?!?  I mean, come on…  where is the logic in this?  I told my Christian friend, “look… for the record… if someday it turns out that you are right… and I am wrong… and you are up in heaven… and you look down and I’m burning in hell.. .I just want it on record that I DO NOT CHOOSE TO BE THERE!”. 

But, that is what many good Christians seem to believe.  That when we die,  if we failed to “see the light”, for whatever reasons, we are just plain screwed, right?    So what does that mean exactly?  What do people think?  That we will face Him at the pearly gates, and what will he say? Something like - 

 ”whelp?  you blew it.  I gave you lots and lots of chances – and now… I give up and you can rot in eternal hell..  forever and EVER.  Maybe next time you’ll listen to me.  Wait.  Scratch that.  There IS no next time.  (as if I didn’t know that! alomst gotcha, didn’t I? )   Yup.  You sure blew it.  I hate to say it… I really do… but… ummm… I TOLD YOU SO!  *sigh*… Ahhhhh… I just never get sick of saying that.  But, no seriously, it breaks my heart to know you’re doomed to eternal torment and all…  it really does…   but, you know you had your chances and those are the rules.  Must sure suck to be you. Whelp, I better get back to the GOOD Christians in Heaven who also no longer care about you, and go live happily ever after with them.  Buh-bye now.”  

 ?????

Yeah.  Ok.  Greatest Love Story.  ??  Sheesh…  I think NOT.   

Reminds me of the Carlin Vid I posted before on the “threats of hell” post I made.  Check it out for a laugh… (Carlin vid at bottom, not the hell vid at the top).

~smj

 

 

 

 

All is fair in love and conversion…

Another post at “de-conversion” got me thinking.  The post is called “My life of proselytization“, this time from HeisSailing…   

In his post, he said:

 ”I witnessed the Gospel of Jesus Christ for most of my adult life”. 

Now, I was much younger  than he was when I was a full force believer.  But, I believe I felt just as strongly.  I believed it all.  I went around trying to “save” all the kids in my neighborhood… but, my main mission was to save my own father.   

HeisSailing made a comment about getting his mom to come to church:

“I would try to convince my mother, once a committed Christian and now a practical atheist, the error of her backsliding ways. I even got her to go to church with me a few times, but not before informing the pastor that I was bringing her and if he would not mind directing a word or two of his message her way.”

This really reminded me of how when I was a young girl, I would be pressured into singing or doing “specials” in front of the church.  Then, I would be asked to put the pressure on my father to come to church to see me.  After all, I was “Daddy’s little girl”, didn’t he want to see me perform?  So, he did come… for at least the first few years of “specials”. 

Each time he said “yes honey, I’ll come see you sing” –  I would report back to my mother.  Then my mother, her friends, the pastor, and my brother and I would rejoice.  He’ s coming!  Hallelujah!  And we’d all pray hard every day until the day of the “special”, that when he came… THIS would be the time the lord would come down and bonk him on the head and turn him into the perfect Christian father and husband.  When it didn’t happen… we’d go back to plan A.  Try, try again.  Repeatedly I was put in this position of trying to save my own father.  For years. 

Eventually, my father stopped coming to every “special” of mine.  He knew the deal… and he didn’t like being approached by the pastor and pressured each time he came either.  It was like the whole church was looking at him when he’d come.  “Here comes that atheist husband and father!”.  They could’ve sold tickets to see the freak atheist!  LOL  So, I can’t blame him for not wanting to come – even at the time.  He probably also sensed the pressure being put on me, and didn’t want to be a part of that either. 

I know it was very hard for him to eventually start telling me, “no honey, I won’t come see you sing”.  I would then have to report back to my mother that I had failed.. he won’t come… I’m sorry.  She would then freak out and get very upset.  She made me feel terrible when he didn’t come.  She’d make me ask him again and again.  And, then they’d argue and she’d try to make him feel guilty for not coming,  and make ME feel guilty and like he didn’t care about me in the process.

Eventually, I didn’t WANT to keep singing either.  (surprise surprise!).  Mostly because I didn’t want to keep pressuring my dad and going thru this.. and because I was starting to have my own doubts about all of it.  Not only about my beliefs, but I started wondering if I even had a good voice or not!  (loletinf!;)  When I finally stood up for myself and said that I didn’t want to do a “special”, I suddenly didn’t feel so special anymore.  Not just my mother, but the church leaders also made me feel really bad.  Like I was a quitter… giving up… back-sliding… and, they then put pressure and guilt trips on ME asking me over and over when I would sing again.  My mother even said something like, “how is your father ever going to be saved now??! ”. 

Looking back, I can’t believe how much plotting and scheming it all was.  The pressure, fear, and guilt used! Unfortunately, since I was in it, I understand their thinking and putting the pressure on my Dad.  They really felt it was their duty and apparently rudeness, politeness, respect, and common courtesy fly out the window when you are trying to save someone’s soul (and do your Christian duty ).  This is bad enough. 

However, what really gets me (and I don’t want to sound whiney here, but) is how could they do that to me?  I was a little girl.  A little CHRISTIAN girl who wanted to believe all they were teaching.  They played me.  They used me.  How could they put that kind of pressure, guilt and fear on me?!?

 And, when I say “they”, it was NOT just by my mother.  It was also her friends, the pastor, the choir director, the church leaders.  What kind of people scare the crap out of a little girl telling her that her father, (who she loved wholeheartedly and was a GREAT Dad) was going to burn in hell?  Tell her that over and over?? Which is bad enough… but, then tack on the, ”unless YOU can save him” part.  ??  And we prayed.. and prayed…  And I cried… and cried…

I just don’t get it. I don’t get how adults, in their right minds, could think this was an okay thing to do.  ??  The “RIGHT” thing to do??  It makes me mad still when I think about it, and leads me to the only logical conclusion I can think of, and that is that they ALL were not in their right minds! 

HeisSailing wrote:

” I then became exhausted from witnessing. I was exhausted and drained from believing that I and my small sect of Christian brethren have the exclusivity on truth and everyone else, no matter what their beliefs, are going to eternal torment. I was sick of believing that I was on the narrow path of righteousness, and my loved ones are on the wide path leading to destruction when in many cases, they are just simply much better people than I am.”

This is a huge part of why I eventually didn’t believe and don’t believe in any one religion, or in religion or God at all really.  Not only because I can’t fathom the idea of my own father going to hell (which is a biggie, I admit), but, also ALLLLLL the other people.  It can’t be.  It makes no sense. 

HeisSailing then wrapped up his post by saying:

“Then I became sick of that guilt, I became sick of that arrogance of exclusivity, I became sick of looking at our life as a trial from God to see if we believed the correct doctrines, and I refused to accept it anymore.”

Like him, I also ”became sick” of these same things…  The eternal dangling carrot, and the constant fear of hell. I am glad to be rid of them.    

PS – If you haven’t already – I suggest you go read HeisSailing’s post in full, as he writes much better than me and makes his points with much better reasoning…

Take care,

~smj

Threats of Hell…

After reading a post on “Parenting Beyone Belief”, called “god’s burning love for me”, I found this “The Reality of Hell” video from here: http://www.rapturealert.com/video/realityofhell.asp:

I couldn’t help myself…  I had to watch it.  Nice, huh?  Lovely. 

Utterly ridiculous, is what it is.  To threaten people… scare them… into believing something.  No thanks.

 When I was a kid… probably about 8, I remember our church one Sunday night had a “special”… and it was a whole movie like that clip.  It showed people meeting Jesus, having flashbacks on their lives and all the wrong things they had done…. even things like chances they had to “witness” but didn’t.  And, then it showed them going to hell… burning…  I especially remember one scneene where they showed what looke like live worms crawling in and out of some poor guys burning flesh as he screamed. 

 I was horrified.  Shocked.  Scared shitless.  And, petrified for my father and brother, and all those other lost souls.  Somewhere, in the back of my brain, I feared for myself as well, even though I thought I was “saved” at the time.  Was I really saved?  What had I done wrong?  I knew there had to be something.  Why would my father deserve to go to Hell, but not my Mom or myself?  What made us so much better?? 

There was no real peace at all in the knowledge that I was “saved”.  How could I know for sure I was?  And, how could I be peaceful, or live “happily ever after” knowing that my father and millions like him were burning in eternal hell?  How is that peace?

But, I believed back then…  and, I remember my mother telling me (and everyone) that my Dad WAS going to hell constantly.  She constantly hoped for a miracle of his salvation.  We prayed and prayed.  I confronted him.. and begged him to come to church.  I sang in front of the church, just to get him to come, for years.  Way past the time I wanted to sing.  They made me feel like I HAD to… it was my duty.. since that was the only time Dad came to church (to see me sing).   When I started not wanting to do it anymore… they really put the pressure and guilt on me.  Not just my Mom, but other adults of the church too. 

Looking back… it makes me so mad.  I know now that my mom was sick.  Other adults, the pastor, must have known she was too.  Yet – nobody told me she was.  I believed everything she told me for a long time.  I can forgive and excuse her actions… BECAUSE I now know she was sick. 

What I can’t get my brain around, is how all these other adults… elders of the church.. the pastor(s)… how they all encouraged her behavior and the things they told me too!?  What in the world were they thinking?  That is was GOOD to worry a little girl sick about thoughts of hell and fire and brimstone?  That God would want them to tell a child over and over that her own father was going to hell unless SHE could MAKE him come to church so maybe the church congregation could win him over to God’s side? 

I liked my Dad….  and loved him even more.  But, I had to believe he was doomed to what I saw in that movie unless I could save him.  And, I didn’t dare ask WHY he was such a bad guy?  WHY did he deserve eternal hell and fire?  I knew he didn’t go to church…  or believe in God.  But, he was a great Dad.  He was a loving, caring, and wonderful man.  It just never made sense to me.  And, it still doesn’t.

I like this video from George Carlin on religion much better…   now, HE makes sense… (and makes me laugh LOL)

~smj

Could Mom be wrong?

I grew up very religious – baptist for starters… then more of a full-gospel/pentecostal… and then my current religion of choice – nothing.

When I was just a kid… I went to church 3-5 times a week with my mom and my brother. My other brother, and my dad stayed home.

You see, my father made no bones about the fact that he was an atheist. He then went on to tell us kids that it was our choice… we could go to church with our mother if we wanted to… or we could stay home with him and do chores.

My oldest brother went to church for a while.  Then, he was the first one to take my dad up on this option. He opted to stay home. My mom was not happy, to say the least. But, my dad was a man of his word, and would not make my brother go if he didn’t want to. This led to the major divide in our family.  My parents had always fought like crazy… but, this divided us 3 kids too.  From them on out, it was my Dad and my oldest brother, against my mom, my other brother, and myself.

I watched my mother tell anyone that would listen all about how awful my father was. And, how he was going to hell… and now he was trying to drag her son with him. We prayed for them. A lot. My mother would cry and cry… and we would all pray… the three of us, and anyone else my mother could drag into it.

Then, I would go home.. and my dad would say – “you don’t have to go to church if you don’t want to”. What? And wind up like HIM, I thought? Going to hell in a hand basket? No thank you. Besides, if my mom tweaked out that much over my one brother not going, what in the world would happen to her if I didn’t go too? Did I want my mom telling everyone that would listen about how I was going to hell and praying for me? And, besides.. I believed her.

I believed it all. I was scared to death for my dad and my brother. I belived they were going to hell. I prayed my heart out along with them. I cried and cried too.

Yes, I was a good little christian girl. When I was about 5 or 6 I tried to “save” every kid on my block. Needless to say, I wasn’t very popular that summer. LOL But, I did whatever my Mom told me to do… and I did it because I thought she knew what she was talking about. Along with the pastor and all the other good people at church.

I played the organ and sang in church regularly. I was shy and scared to death… my knees would shake and I felt like I was going to throw up each time… but, I was convinced this was something I should do. You see, this was the only time my dad would go to church. To see me preform. Each time, my mother would gather the pastor and church leaders to pray before each “special” I preformed. We would pray that when my dad came to see me that THIS would be the time that God would speak to him… sort of bonk him on the head with christian fairy juice or something and he would suddenly become the perfect christian father that he should be.

It took me years to stop believing that would happen. And, as I became a pre-teen, my dad had it all figured out too. He stopped coming when I sang. My mom and pastor would tell me to ask him to come… put the pressure on him… make him feel guilty. So, I did. Only, I really felt bad that he wouldn’t come. I wasn’t pretending to want him there. My mom told me to tell him that if he loved me he’d come… and, so, when he wouldn’t come… I actually wondered if he really did love me or not.

It took me a while before I realized that of course he loved me… he was just sick of the plotting and scheming… and, after a few more failed attempts to make him come and see me… I realized I was tired of it all too. I was relieved… I didn’t really want to sign in front of the whole church. So, I stopped “preforming” like a trained seal. I still remember how guilty my mom made me feel for “giving up”. Mot only my mom, but also the pastor and other adults. Looking back, it makes me very angry. Angry with my mom, but also with the church leaders for putting that kind of pressure on me. A little naive girl. How dare they????

Singing wasn’t the only time or way I was “used” by my mom. My mom knew how close I was with my dad. How close all of us kids were with him. She was jealous. He was the one we turned to… and I was without a doubt – “Daddy’s little girl”. He may have been an atheist… and going to hell or not… he was never anything but wonderful to me and my brothers. If anyone taught us positive life lessons – it was him. And, yet, I’d hear my mother trash him every singe day. She acted like he was the devil himself. She and my Dad fought a lot… and, she would use me as a pawn against him.

After my mother’s prompting, I vividly remember apporaching my father… teary eyed and upset… asking him why he didn’t believe in God? why didn’t he believe in the bible? and sobbing that I didn’t want him to go to hell. His answer, I remember explicitly…

He sat me down on his knee.. wiped my tears… told me not to worry and that he wasn’t going to hell… I hopefully listened on. He explained that he didn’t think there was a hell… and he said, “You know your little Thumbelina book that you like so much? You know how it’s a great fairytale and story, but it’s not real? Well, that is how I think of the bible. I think it’s a great book… with lots of great stories… and some good messages… but, I don’t think it’s real”. This answer made me feel better, even though my mother promptly shot it down and told me he was going to hell again soon after. Still.. it planted a seed of a thought… maybe…just maaaaaaaaaaybe Mom was wrong???

TBC…

~ smj