To me… when I was 13…

Whelp… I’ve been tagged… by Rebecca from her “Fictional Reality” blog.   The idea is to write a letter to yourself when you were 13.  This was her post – “Tag! You’re it!“, and is a good read that leaves one wondering… “what exactly happened at her cousin’s wedding anyway??”.  =)… 

It is funny that not too long ago, I wound up writing a post called “If I could go back in time… “.  In that post, I wound up writing about what I would tell myself if I could go back 6 years ago… when I was pregnant with my 2nd son, had a 5 year old son, and was taking care of my dieing father. 

I didn’t plan to write it… it just rolled off…  and the really weird thing is that only a couple days later, I wound up face to face with a pregnant woman – pregnant with her 2nd son, and she has a 4 year old son, and she had just lost her mother.  I wound up in a deep conversation with her, even though we hardly knew each other… and, saying many of the same things to her that I had just written about. 

Anyway – now, I’m faced with writing to my 13 year old self… and I can’t help but wonder if there is some poor 13 year old out there, that is  going thru a similar time that I had, and will suddenly appear after this post and engage me in deep conversation…   ???  Wouldn’t that be something???

Before I begin my letter, I’d like to say that I remember being 13 very well…  and I have my old diary to remind me of just where my mindset was those days.  At that time, I was going thru some major rebellion and learning curves of my own.  I sort of doubt that I would listen to any adult back then too much…  probably not even myself since I’m now “old”.  LOL  But, also true to my nature then and now, I will tell myself what I think should be said, whether the 13 year old me wants to hear it or not!   So, here goes….

Dear Samantha Jane… 
(yes, I know that is not your real name…  and I do not know WHY your mother always called you that…. and it’s even MORE of a mystery as to why 29 years later you would chose it for your blog name?? What’s a “blog”, you ask?  Ohh… never mind!)

I know you don’t think anyone can possibly understand where you are coming from, or how you feel…  but, you should know that if anyone can, I can.  And, all in all, I don’t think you need too many pointers. You actually did a pretty darn good job of surviving your teen years, and you obviously make it thru alive.  Better yet, you make it through with a rather positive outlook on life and a smile on your face. You have a better head on your shoulders than you realize… and all in all, you have a pretty good life.  But, now that I’m 41, I can think of a few things that might have been nice to know when I was your age (13).   So, maybe, jusssssssssssst maybe – you can take some of these pointers into consideration, ok? 

1)  You are not alone.  You might feel like you are…  but, someday, they are going to have this thing called “the Internet”, and you are going to be able to read about all kinds of people whom you can actually relate to and went thru similar situations.  That alone, is sort of comforting to me now… so, I thought if might make you feel better. 

2)  Your parents both love you very much.  Yes, they have their issues with each other and in general.. but, never doubt that they both love YOU.  Not the “you” that you think you need to pretend to be – but the REAL you.  They do.  You may have them fooled on some things… but, if/when they find out the truth (and ummm… they will eventually), guess what?  They still love you.  Believe it.

3) Your brother’s love you too.  Even your oldest brother whom you swear hates you and loves to see you get in trouble.  Yeah, he might be a little jealous of you sometimes, but he truly cares about you so much that he worries about you more than you know.  He would do anything for you… and there winds up being a few times that he actually really helps you out.  Don’t be afraid to talk to him, and know that both of your brother’s always have your back. 

On the other hand, realize that just because your brothers would never hit a girl… there are other guys out there that will.  You might want to think twice before you dump your drink down that jerk’s pants when your 19… even though, he totally deserved it.  But, if you DO decide to do it… then, after you pick yourself up off the floor (after the 2nd time you go down), and the whole bar is holding him back??  – Use a fist when you swing over the little bar-tenders head and hit him (instead of an open hand slap to the head).  Then still take him to court, press charges, and sick your brother’s on him! The nazi-rat-bastard!   

4)  OK – this is a hard one.  About your Mom….  While, yes, she loves you… you should know that she has some bigger issues than just being a religious fanatic.  She has some real mental health issues.  Don’t laugh.  It’s not funny.  I know you joke about it, but don’t really believe this right now.  It’s scary… but, it’s true.  No, she’s not like her mother… but, it is more than just her religious outlooks, or her relationship with Dad.  She’s looses touch with reality sometimes.  I think you’re better off knowing this.  I think everything will be less confusing and scary if you learn a little about it. 

You don’t need to confront her on it… it won’t do any good… and don’t expect Dad to want to talk about it either – because he’s also afraid to believe this.  He’s afraid of what people will think about your whole family if they know.  His silence on these issues is both his being in denial, and because he’s trying to protect you.  But, don’t YOU be afraid anymore.  You are NOT like your mother… and you don’t have these same issues that she has.  Her problems are completely unrelated to you.  However, her problems DO affect you.  Try to learn a little about schizophrenia or mental illness in general… and, know that when she does things, it’s NOT YOUR FAULT.  It’s also not her fault….  but, mostly realize there’s nothing you can do to make her better. 

5)  Matter of fact, you should know that a lot of things are NOT your fault.  You have a tendency to put way too much pressure on yourself.  It’s good to take responsibility for yourself… and your own actions.  But, you need to understand that there are many things that you just have to deal with…  but can not control. Try not to feel so guilty all the time.

6)  Your Dad is not going to Hell.  And either is your brother, or you, or anyone else that you love and worry about.  It is not up to you to save them.  And yes, it is wrong for your mother and other church people to put that kind of expectations and pressure on you.  Don’t let them anymore. Stop worrying – and go with your gut.  When you have questions, ask them.  It’s okay to wonder, doubt, ask, and learn.  The more you learn, the better you’ll feel – and the sooner you’ll feel better.

7)  The world is not black and white.  Everything isn’t either good or bad.  There is plenty of gray area.  Don’t be so quick to think you know the answers.. or that someone else does.  You know? You are very good at putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.  You are easily able to sympathize and empathize with folks.  You seem to naturally want to help people (and animals).  Keep doing that.  The more you do that.. the more gray you see… and that’s a good thing. 

8 ) Also, don’t think you have to have this charade of a split personality.  Both “sides” are ALL YOU – and, the “whole you” is actually pretty special.  Those that really care about you, will appreciate your being honest with them and the “whole” you, way more than only getting the parts of you that you THINK they want to see.

9) And, don’t worry about what other people think about you too much…   Ironically, the more you are yourself… the more confident you are… and the less you try to please everyone else… the more people like you… and the better you’ll feel. 

10)  You’re Dad always tells you that “boys always want what they can’t have, and then once they get it, they don’t want it anymore”.  He’s right.  99% of the time this seems to be the case.. especially for teenage boys.  But, this goes both ways… and if there’s ever a boy that you reeeeeeeeelly think you like soooooo much… and you’re feeling sooo hurt over, think about how this might be applying to you. 

11)  Speaking of boys…  You are right to not have any big desire to get a serious boyfriend any time soon.  Keep learning from your friends mistakes… and being there for them (your friends) when they need you.  Even years later, don’t ever feel pressured into doing something just because you THINK everyone else is doing it… or that you SHOULD want to. If you don’t want to do something, and/or think you’ll regret it.. then, don’t.  

Here’s 2 more things about boys…  1) While it might not seem believable right now… some day, you’ll have more chasing after you than you ever imagined.  Don’t be so afraid of this when it happens.  Have fun.  You don’t have to be serious with any of them if you don’t want to.  Give a few more of them a chance then you do.  because..   2) Someday, when you least expect it, and aren’t looking for it… you WILL meet someone who really loves you and wants to be with you forever.  (and, wait til you see your kids… but, we’ll let that be a surprise.  =)

12)  Your friends mean the world to you right now.. and that doesn’t change.  Don’t ever lose sight of how much you need your friends…  but, do question if someone really IS a friend.  Friendship is a two way street.  You don’t have to follow along with any “friends” that aren’t really looking out for your best interest.  Don’t be so quick to follow…  you can be a great leader when you want to. 

13)  Why don’t you try out for a few more activities?  I know you don’t want to do cheerleading (like your father wants), but, you might like to be on a girls sports team… or maybe even in the Drama club? You know you love to sing.  Don’t NOT do things just to spite anyone… and don’t be so nervous… you can do it! 

14) Think twice about giving up on your piano lessons.  I know it’s hard to learn from mom… but, she really is an excellent pianist… and you COULD play like that someday if you stick with it.  If you don’t… you’ll always regret it. 

15) About Gram and Pa – Visit them, and talk to them, and listen to their stories about your Dad (even though you’ve heard them a million times) every chance you get.  Take in every wrinkle and twinkle in their eyes… 

16) Have fun at concerts..  but, do yourself a favor and don’t chug Jack Daniel’s from a wine sac… 

17) You, are NOT fat.  Some day, you are going to look back at how you look now… and think, “wow!  I was actually pretty good lookin!”.  I know that isn’t going to resonate with you… so maybe at least this advice will.  Please try to understand that there is NOT miracle pill…  or miracle diet…  Save yourself years of yo-yo dieting.  The only way you will ever be thin and healthy is if you eat right… and exercise.  Surprise Surprise. 

18) When you write in your diary…???  Try to write a little bit more about Mom and Dad and Gram and Pa and family events and stuff…  I know it’s easier to write pages and pages about boys and parties and girlfriends… but, trust me on this…

19) Speaking of your Diary…. do you REALLY think Mom isn’t going to read it??  You might want to hide it a little better.. or, leave out a few parts… then again, never mind.  That all plays out for a reason…

and last but not least:

20)  and this is very important…  it could save you YEARS of frustration.  So listen up.  

You, my dear, have naturally wavy hair that has a mind of it’s own.  All the blow-drying, curling irons, and hot rollers in the world will NEVER tame it or enable you to have that feathered back “Farah Faucet hair” that all your friends seem to have.  What you need to do is just brush it once when it’s wet, then put gel in it, scrunch it, and then do NOTHING.  Maybe pick it out a little when it dries and spray it.  That’s it.  Women will tell you for many many years that they would kill for your hair.  It’s one of your only re-deeming features in later years. Try to quit hating it so much and work with it.  =)

Ok – that’s it…  Sorry it was so long and I babbled on and on.  SOME things NEVER change….

~smj

 Now…. if anyone’s interested…  here’s a link to Brad Paisley’s song along these lines – called, “If I could write a letter to me”.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fqtbMHfpXY

 -  oh – and if anyone is still reading this…. consider you yourself tagged!  =)

Is Disney evil??

A friend of mine emailed me today regarding being worried that her brother in law has gone over the deep end with religion.  This is interesting, since this friend is a fairly new convert to Christianity herself.  Yet, even she see’s there’s something not right here…  She said that she came back from a visit with her family for the holidays.  And, that her brother in law is becoming more and more religious.  She said she couldn’t help to think about all the stories I had told her about growing up with my mom. 

One of the things she was upset about was that her young neice and nephew were not going to be allowed to play with most of the presents she and her parents had bought them.  She said they are probably all in the garbage by now.  Apparently, Disney is evil…. and they are not allowed to watch Disney movies or play with Disney items because they have witches and evil spells. ? She said they are afraid to watch anything, and my friend thought this was all a bit extreme.  She asked if my mother was the same way about stuff like that when I was a kid, etc. 

I wrote back:  

My first reaction when I read your note was a deep sigh and a sad feeling for the kids.  It’s a terrible thing to live with so much damn fear of everything all the time… and that’s what it is.  Fear.  Fear of hell.  Fear of anything “evil”.  Fear that you are not doing what God wants.  It’s ridiculous.   

So, she won’t let their kids watch Disney?  Come on.  Does she know the witches are PRETEND!!?!?.  It’s a freaking STORY people.  And, not for nothing, but do you know how many gory, violent, and sexually deviant stories there are in the bible??  You don’t hear about those ones as much.   I’m sorry.. I know it’s suppose to be “the good book”… but, there’s a lot in there that I don’t particularly want to have to go into detail with my kids anytime soon.  And talk about scary.  ??  What about all the sacrifices, demons and devils, HELL, daughters sleeping with fathers, babies being slaughtered, famine, plagues, wars.  Sheesh! 

But, unfortunately, I am not TOO surprised either.  Because, yes  – My mother was like that.  She saw evil in EVERYTHING. I’ve often joked about how we could be watching the old 50’s sitcom “Happy Days”, and she would walk in right when someone kissed or something – and she’d say “THAT’s DISGISTING!!”.   

I laugh now… but, it was rather nerve-wrecking when I was a kid.  It’s terrible to always be on the lookout for evil lurking around every corner… to feel like you’re always doing something “bad”, “wrong”, ”disgusting”, or “sinning”.  I always had one finger on the channel changer on the TV and on my radio in case my mother walked in.  

When you are really young – you believe everything your parents tell you… and you naturally want to please them.  What happens when you can’t?  I was afraid and worried a lot.  As I got older and more skeptical (thanks to my atheist father and common sense), even though I didn’t believe everything my mother did… I still was always worried about how she would interpret things, or what she would think about something (or me).  It forced me to still see everything as “evil” – knowing how SHE thought.  Talk about living on egg-shells.  For young children, this is abusive – if you ask me.  Intentional or not.   

Since you asked… if I were you – I would probably try to talk to my brother.  Ask what he thought.  How or why he was “okay” with the things that I thought were pretty “out there”.  Tell him how I felt and saw things… what worried me and why.  Take it from there. 

When it comes to something I think is really important – I tend to prefer to speak my mind with the hopes that it MIGHT help… and knowing I at least “tried”… even if there’s a bigger chance that it might just tick someone off.  But, that’s me….  and I have a big mouth.  Actually, that was how my Dad was… and my brother’s are to… so, it probably would make it easier for me to approach them.   

Although, I remember having it out with my one brother once –  years ago. They were on the verge of a divorce, and while I didn’t really want to get involved, I felt like I needed to try to help.  It was not easy even for me to talk to him that time because I knew he didn’t like what I had to say… and it didn’t go over well at the time… and we did get in a big fight.  I do think it actually helped in the long run and am glad I did it.  But, yeah… it doesn’t always help… and there probably were times I should have just kept my mouth shut.  Still… never stops me.   

Maybe I can call you later… 

 

I am almost afraid to call her.  I doubt highly she will actually try to reason with her brother, and doubt even more that even if she does that it will help.  I almost am afraid to talk to her on such matters, because I figure it’s a matter of time before her family or Christian friends tell her that she shouldn’t even BE talking to me since I’m not Christian and therfore can’t help her. 

UGH

I can’t help going back to my initial reaction to her words…”a deep sigh, and feeling sad for the kids”.

  ~smj

A lil comedy break…

Ok – This is a little crude humor from Margaret Cho…. called, “These Christian Groups Have Lost Their Minds”. In the below clip she is covering so much of what my friend and I were recently debating…   I couldn’t help but laugh… a lot…. cause… ya know…sometimes… I like crude rude humor… and she was totally making my points… but, in a much more humorous way… LOL

I want so bad to send this to my friend…. but, I won’t… because I know it would offend her… and I don’t think that she is like this… or that ALL Christians are… but… ummmm…  I’ve met my fair share that have made me feel like this.  

So, if you are Christian…. don’t watch it… I’m not looking to offend anyone… but, if you’re like me? You might get a kick a laugh from this… 

Greatest Love Story of All Time??

 My very good Christian friend that I was debating all kinds of things with had the following to say to me at one point in our conversations… She said:

 “I think that He (God) totally understands the warped church that you were raised in (good intentions on the part of your Mom I’m sure, but still …), why you think what you think, and no matter what you think about him right now, or where you are with him right now, he loves you. Period. He knows what you’re going to do tomorrow, and even 10 years from now. He’s not frowning down on you because you aren’t reading your Bible every day. Does he miss you? Yes. But is he some unforgiving, mean, judgmental God who only loves you if you do everything “right” (by who’s standards?). No, he loves us “as is”. And forgiveness is what he is all about. How else do you explain Jesus. That is the greatest love story of all time if you ask me.“

 

I know she means well… and she is trying to make me feel the “love” of God… but, is it just me… or does this really have some contradicting messages in it?

First of all, something that annoys me is that people think I am the way I am because I just wasn’t going to the right church.  While, I DO think the churches (plural, because there were in fact several, not one!) WERE warped – I don’t think they are the only ones like that.  And, I’m sure many others went to the same churches with different outcomes, or totally different churches with similar outcomes.   

I know that wasn’t her point.  What I think she was trying to hammer home – was  the idea that God loves me… and is not judgmental… etc.   I get what she was trying to say… but it still doesn’t cut it for me.  I mean, don’t you have to take that part of the message of the bible (the warm fuzzy part), along with the overall message (the warm fuzzy unless you go to hell part)?   I’m sorry, it just…. doesn’t….  make….  sense to me. 

I mean, IF He loves us “as is”…  no matter what… even if we are not “doing everything right”  – then,  why are there so many rules and guidelines on what we can or can not do?  Or on how we should change, or basically live our lives?  Why do we need so much forgiveness?  And ultimately, if he’s so understanding, accepting, and forgiving, and non-judgmental – then why is there so much condemnation and threats of hell?  And, how, can He actually send so many of “his children”, that he loves so and misses so much, to such a place? 

Now, I know the old “love the sinner, not the sin” argument… and the parent/child and unconditional love arguments.  But, I also know that I would never send my child to Hell.  Regardless of whether I WAS right or not… or if they smartened up and listened to me or not?  

Is there such a thing as “tough love” – yes.  Do we need to let our kids learn the hard way sometimes, or even lay in the bed they made to learn a lesson? Yeah.. I guess…  but, that is different than hitting a point where you completely abandon and give up on them – FOREVER.  I suppose some parents do that.  Does that make it right?  Maybe it’s just my warped, agnostic, maternal instincts, but I know that I personally would never completely give up on my kids… let alone condemn them to Hell. 

Apparently, however, that IS what she believes.  That this all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful, loving and forgiving heavenly father of ours will eventually do just that, right?  He will send  any “non-believers” to Hell, right? 

Or, if you want to get into the whole – “He doesn’t SEND us there, we CHOSE it” debate… then, still…  no matter how you look at it, he will at the very best basically LET any non-believers go to hell, right? (Because, I also have a hard time believing that IF He’s all that he’s cracked up to be, He couldn’t stop it if He wanted to.)  Which will bring up the old “free will” argument, and how he wants us to chose, he can’t make us, etc.  Another circular message! 

Just because I don’t believe in something that makes no sense to me, does NOT mean I want to burn in hell eternally.  It’s ridiculous.  And, if he’s so all seeing, all knowing… etc…. you would think he’d know of a way to have handled this whole dilemma better.  There’s a good post on Heather’s I wonder as I wander Blog called, “they shall be without excuse” that gets into that whole aspect of this.  This is like saying that by not believing in Santa Cluas, you are CHOSING to be banished to the Isle of the Misfit Toys.   ?!?  I mean, come on…  where is the logic in this?  I told my Christian friend, “look… for the record… if someday it turns out that you are right… and I am wrong… and you are up in heaven… and you look down and I’m burning in hell.. .I just want it on record that I DO NOT CHOOSE TO BE THERE!”. 

But, that is what many good Christians seem to believe.  That when we die,  if we failed to “see the light”, for whatever reasons, we are just plain screwed, right?    So what does that mean exactly?  What do people think?  That we will face Him at the pearly gates, and what will he say? Something like - 

 ”whelp?  you blew it.  I gave you lots and lots of chances – and now… I give up and you can rot in eternal hell..  forever and EVER.  Maybe next time you’ll listen to me.  Wait.  Scratch that.  There IS no next time.  (as if I didn’t know that! alomst gotcha, didn’t I? )   Yup.  You sure blew it.  I hate to say it… I really do… but… ummm… I TOLD YOU SO!  *sigh*… Ahhhhh… I just never get sick of saying that.  But, no seriously, it breaks my heart to know you’re doomed to eternal torment and all…  it really does…   but, you know you had your chances and those are the rules.  Must sure suck to be you. Whelp, I better get back to the GOOD Christians in Heaven who also no longer care about you, and go live happily ever after with them.  Buh-bye now.”  

 ?????

Yeah.  Ok.  Greatest Love Story.  ??  Sheesh…  I think NOT.   

Reminds me of the Carlin Vid I posted before on the “threats of hell” post I made.  Check it out for a laugh… (Carlin vid at bottom, not the hell vid at the top).

~smj

 

 

 

 

My teen life in a musical youtube nutshell…

I was mulling over my last post…. and, my teenage years in my head. 

My teen years marked the beginning of my dual lifestyle…

One one hand…  I was starting to doubt and reject a lot of what I was being taught by mom and church in general.. but, I was still going to church 2-5 times a week and singing in the choir, where I’d basically be partaking in a lof of this:

(“Because He Lives I Can Face Tomorrow” )

Then, on the days I wasn’t playing the part of the good little Christian girl, I was skipping school, jumping out my window, and staying over my heathen friends houses a lot in order to sneak to rock concerts and parties, and banging my head to the likes of this:

(“Running with the Devil” – VanHalen)

Explains a lot, doesn’t it???

=)
~smj

Forgive me, so I can forgive myself…

(Do we NEED to believe in God in order to forgive ourselves?  I hope not…  but, maybe we do? Or at least, maybe MANY of us do???)

So, I mentioned that I had been going back and forth with a friend about religion, etc… 

One of the many links/articles she sent me was a link to this article called “The Adulteress: A Stone’s Throw from Grace” (found here:              http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2007/julaug/4.58.html?start=2)

Now, she sent this, because she was trying to explain how she is NOT judging gay people, or ANYONE… and, how GOD doesn’t want to condemn people to hell… how Jesus Saves, etc.   As in the story, Jesus didn’t condemn the adulteress but says the old “let he who has not sin cast the first stone”.  Now… of course I’ve heard this story, and this message a million times.  Well, I finally read the article she sent me anyway…  and, one part, towards the end, struck me.  I felt a light bulb “ah-HA moment”. 

It was this part:

“We hear you, Lord. What a relief to know that because of your grace, we can leave behind the past, as this woman did, and walk in a whole new direction.”

Now, like I said, this message is nothing new.  What clicked was how it pertained to my friend.  You see, my friend is constantly saying of herself, “who am *I* to judge after everything *I* went through, and my own past”… etc., etc.  She is quick to admit she’s made her mistakes… and then quick to explain how much better she knows now. 

This is probably all true.  That’s not what made me go “ah-HA!”. 

What suddenly became really clear to me, is that my friend feels awful guilty about some of her past mistakes.  As I’m sure many of us do.   However, I think, she was really, reeeeally beating herself up over things  – for years.  I think she got herself into a vicious circle because of that… and I don’t think I even realized just how bad she was hurting.  She doesn’t want to “be” that person that made those mistakes.  She didn’t want to accept that was “her”.   But, I think, no matter how she tried, she couldn’t shake it.  She couldn’t accept that the “good person” she wanted to be, would make the “bad” mistakes she had made. 

I think, finding “God”, and believing that he could love her… in spite of her sins… allowed her to love herself again.  Gave her back her respect…. allowed her to let herself start over.  Just like the adulteress in that story.  After all, if GOD could forgive her and love her… of course she should too, right? 

I don’t know why this is all so interesting to me all of  a sudden.  I’ve heard countless stories from folks with very checkered pasts, who become born again.  It actually was a pet peeve of mine when I was a teen.  Heck, my teen leader was one of them (and he was pretty creepy).  I didn’t think I should listen to him when a month ago he was a big drug addict and loser, just because now he’d “found God”. 

I’ve also often thought that maybe religion helped people cope… period.  With whatever.  And, maybe they needed it, for whatever reasons. In my mom’s case, because of her illness and to deal with how she grew up.  Or to deal with loss… grief.  I’ve even envied others at times because I couldn’t seem to get any comfort myself from religion with all my skeptical views.   So, the “needing” religion isn’t a new idea to me either.

But, I am getting a different side of this now…
When applying this to my friend’s situation, I’m seeing this in a whole new light. 

I’m not even sure it’s the forgiving ourselves aspect that I’m finidng so interesting here.  Surely, this is not a new concept either?  But, I’m not sure that I had thought that this might apply to my friend.  But, I think that’s exactly it.  Maybe she needs religion in order to live with herself?   Maybe, it really did “save her” from her own guilt.  I don’t think she could accept the mistakes she had made.  When, in my opinion, they were not even all that bad.  She was young and naive and HUMAN.  It’s not like she belongs in prison or anything.  Yet, I think, she was creating her own prison.  She had herself trapped.  She needed God, or the idea of God, to forgive her and give her the strength to set her free. 

Is it so bad to admit that we are just human?  Can we not admit when we make a mistake… and say, “yeah, I fucked up. Bad!”, and try to learn from it?  Try to understand how it happened?  Try not to let it happen again? and, try to move on?  Of course we all make mistakes.  Do we need to have a God to forgive us and love us, in order to love ourselves??  Maybe some of us do? Maybe all of us do? 

Which leads me to my bigger light-bulb feeling. 

Do I need this???
Is that part of my problem? 
That I can’t forgive myself for whatever terrible things I’ve done?  Including things that were not even my fault??  And, I don’t have enough faith to believe in a God that can forgive me either?  

 Would *I*, or any of us,  even have felt THAT kind of guilt if we didn’t have relgion and God shoved down our throats in the first place???  

I don’t know… 

Talk about vicious circles…

This is not really coming out right and I’m having trouble explaining my “ah-HA moment”.  Sorry if I’m rambling incoherently.    

I am going to have to mull this one over a bit…

~smj

I’ve been on a Mission (not from God)

I’ve been on a mission.

I have a reeeeeeally strong desire to now say, “We’re on a mission from God”, but I won’t because it is totally off base here… It’s just that I love that line from one of the all time best comedy movies – the Blues Brothers. (See bottem of my post for details =)

But, no… my mission was definitely not “from God”… and, it was also pretty futile anyway. I found myself in an all out email war with a good friend of mine. A friend I grew up with… and we are still friends… remarkably… because we have almost nothing in common. This has always been true, but has been amplified the last couple years. Ever since she had her first child, and has suddenly become very religious. She claims she was always religious, but I don’t ever remember it being discussed, or her going to church regularly until she got married a few years back. She also use to be Catholic, but has changed to a Presbyterian church. I think that explains a lot right there.

Now, she knows my history… and my feelings about church. We have always been very open with each other, and pride ourselves on the fact that we can agree to disagree… and be friends in spite of our many differences. I try not to get into too deep of religious type debates with friends, because it doesn’t usually end well. But, she and I went out for our birthdays a while back, and at the end of the night ran into a guy that was the son of a co-worker of hers. She acted like she was long lost friends with this kid, and they talked and talked for a while. We walked away with her telling me what a GREAT kid he was… and of some problems he’d had with his family because he told them he THOUGHT he MIGHT be gay. How his mother disowned him… even though he was such a GREAT kid.

I couldn’t help myself… and, I asked her how she really felt about gays… since I knew how religious she was now… and, into bible-studying, etc… and because I knew what church taught ME when I was a kid. I wanted to know how SHE really felt. If they had succeeded in getting to her on this, as she always seems like a very NON-judgemental person that you can’t help but like. I was shocked at her response… even though I expected it. It confirmed my fears. “They” had gotten to her.

We wound up in a big debate that night, that resulted in my getting somewhat pissed-off/frustrated with her… and asking her to please drop if because it was late, and she was pissing me off. We apologized to each other the next day, not wanting to be disrespectful or hurtful to each other. We then agreed to have a “friendly” debate via email about this. Well, that lasted for the last month or so.

Originally, she told me her beliefs were NOT based mostly on her religious beliefs, but that soon proved to be untrue… and our debate topics ran rapid. I told her once that she was changing the topic quicker than I could disagree with her.

We started off debating whether being Gay is a choice or if you are born that way. And, whether one can “change” being gay? I couldn’t believe she insisted that she loved this kid… and had nothing against gay people, but she also insisted that ACTING out on those feelings was a sin… she compared it to a pedophile acting out, or an alcoholic drinking. ?!? Love the sinner, not the sin, type of argument. She insisted that people could choose NOT to be Gay and become “ex-gay”.

This led into many other topics that I’m sure neither of us are qualified to debate about since neither of us ARE gay or really into politics… Things like:

- Gay = Sin?

- Can you really change and be “ex-gay”?

- What’s so wrong about being gay anyway?

- AIDS – is it a “gay” disease?

- Gay Marriage & Gay parents

- James Dobson and Focus on the Family
(She subscribes to his newsletters, and was sending me articles of his to show why she feels the way she does. I, however, think he’s a big jerk.. and a dangerous one at that and sent her back info to back that up.)

- What is “creditable” data?
(She kept using the Bible, and organizations like Exodus, and NARTH – which I rejected. I kept using data and articles from real life gay people telling their stories on line, and articles about how bogus Exodus and NARTH is, and instead quoting things from American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the National Association of School Psychologists, and the National Education Association.  She, however, dismissed any data from them, saying data can be twisted and she didn’t believe them any more than I believed the bible. So where the hell was I going with that?)

- What constitutes discrimination

- Premarital sex in general and Celibacy

- abortion

- and the list went on…. and on… and on… with her on the far right wing… and me either out there on the left, or usually in the middle someplace.

What’s really sad, I think….  here we are… having these debates. On every topic… I am basically taking the stance of, “live and let live”, “who are we to judge”, “love is good, regardless of what form it’s in”… trying to be realistic, accepting, open and considerate of other human beings feelings, opinions, and rights. And here she is… one of the nicest people you will ever meet… embracing Christianity and telling me how great it is and how much God loves me and we are all his children. And, yet – she is the one spreading what I think are unaccepting, judemental, and hateful messages.

I don’t get how can she sit there and schmooze and hug this gay kid when she sees him, telling me what a GREAT kid he is… but, still wholeheartedly believe he is doing something terribly wrong, and needs to change in order to get to heaven… or to be a “good Christian”??  It’s so contradictory to me, but she doesn’t even see it.  She insists that she is NOT judging.  Huh?

Then… what also ticked me off… was she kept making comments about how she was standing up for what she believed in, even if it wasn’t mainstream beliefs.  Like she’s some martyr, and better off being old-fashioned and true to herself.  This was what I said to her regarding that:

“You keep talking about standing up for what you believe, not what everyone else thinks. Do you seriously think that *I* do not do this? Since when haven’t I held up to my own opinions, in SPITE of what others may WANT to hear or think?? Matter of fact, you of all people should know that I’m usually the one you can COUNT on to tell you what I think/believe, and not just tell you what you want to hear. I don’t see your stand on most things as going against the norm. On the contrary, I see it fitting in nicely with what most good Christians believe, and with what your church is teaching you, and with what I was taught my whole childhood.

I may be agreeing with some big organizations, or common belief’s of society – but, this is based on my own logical conclusions, research, experiences, and gut feelings. You think it’s easy to say I don’t really believe the bible is true? I’m afraid to say that out loud to most people… For fear of them thinking I’m some kind of satanic hellion. Seriously, I do not go around advertising that I am agnostic. It’s even hard to admit that we do not go to church to people. You can see the disapproval in their eyes, especially that we are not taking the kids to church. I know a lot more Christians, than I do non-Christians. So, to argue that you are standing up for what you believe, and make it sound like I am “going with the flow” bothers me, and once again I disagree.”

We wound up, after several wasted weeks of emails, once again, agreeing to disagree and calling a “truce”.  We were going nowhere and just wasting time and flirting with really pissing each other off.  I will always love this friend like a sister.  We have been thru a lot together, and I do believe she is a genuine and true friend.  I value her and respect her, in spite of the fact that we can’t see eye to eye on almost anything…  But, man, it’s tough sometimes to agree to disagree over such controversial topics! And, if all our debating was suppose to convince me in any way shape or form whatsoever that going to church, and bible studying, and being a Christian is the way to go…  it didn’t work for me.  At all.

And now… back to my original, totally unrelated comment about being on a mission from God… A kind of mission  that I’d much rather be on…  curteousy of the Blues Brothers… =):