but, mostly “there”…

Well – I don’t really post much here anymore.  I started the blog almost 3 years ago… and, I think I’m about done here.  I just don’t feel like blogging about this stuff (religion, or my past, or my family issues) anymore… but, I’ll leave this blog up for now in case anyone else finds it interesting… or, in case I change my mind an decide I need to vent again.   =)

I think this blog served it’s purpose for me.  I guess, I really needed it and am glad I had it.  It was theraputic.  I think it helped me sort out a lot of junk in my head that I never really completely was open or honest with anyone before about in “real life”.   I think I learned a lot.  Grew a lot.  Like I understand more about my past and myself now.  I feel more at peace now, I think, than I ever did before.   More clear on how I feel and what I think.  More accepting of myself and others. 

I also met a lot of interesting people.  For the first time really, I learned that I was not alone with most of how I felt or thought.  It pretty much amazed me how many people there are out there that could actually relate to things I wrote about…  experiences I thought only I had.  Likewise, I was astounded to find so many out there that I could relate to also.  I want to thank any of you who might happen to check back here for your thoughts and “friendship” – even if it was virtual.   

Of course we (those few folks and myself) are still the exception.  My “real life” and world are filled with people who have no possible way to relate or get where I’m coming from, when it comes to my religious outlooks, etc.  I’m still the only agnostic/atheist and person who grew up with mental illness in the family that I know of in my own circle of family/friends. ..  But, that’s okay.  I think, for once in my life, I am really okay with that. 

As I mentioned in one of my last comments:

” I no longer hold any hostility towards my mother or “the church”.   I think I am FINALLY over that. I know they always meant well and thought they were doing the right thing – and as you pointed out – we are all only human. I can accept that and understand that – just as I know I certainly made/make my own mistakes. Lastly, I know that my Christian friends are good people – and that they care about me – just as I do them. “

Not only that – but, I no longer feel the need to hide my feelings…  or justify them… or question them.  While I might not broadcast the fact that I’m agnostic with those I don’t  know very well… I also don’t feel the need to hide it at all from those I do know.  No apologies.  They can either accept me ”as is” or not.  To my surprise, I don’t think anyone I really care about plans to disown me anytime soon because of our differences.  While we might not agree… or understand each other.. I think my family, and my true friends can agree to disagree on things.  Those that can’t? Well…  I think that’s more their problem than mine. 

Anyway – I’ll be around here and there…    but, mostly “there”. 

=) Take care people,
~smj

Positive Recollections – (a book tag…)

I’m it!  Here’s a fun little “tag” from Kate at “One More Thing“…

 The game goes like this:
“Find the nearest book, turn to page 123, start at the fifth sentence and type out the next three sentences.”

 Sounds easy enough….

I’m at my desk… in my little home office.. directly to my right, is a book shelf… full of old and new books of mine… ranging from “Calvin and Hobbes” to “Mark Twain collection” to gawd only knows what.  Nearest  at hand, though, is a book I read not too long ago…

“Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem, by Kimberlee Roth, Freda B. Friedman, Randi Kreger”

Page 123…
fifth sentence begins:

“This is not to say that your negative feelings aren’t justified; rather it’s to remind you that little in life is 100 percent good or 100 percent bad (know anyone who thinks that it is?!).  In thinking about her childhood experience with her mother, who would alternate between being very loving and then raging uncontrollably, Donna, forty-two, says, “It helped me to keep in mind that my mother didn’t ask to be borderline. Whether it was caused by heredity or the environment, she didn’t choose it, and she never set out to make my life miserable.”

That’s 3 sentences…. but, here’s the rest of Donna’s quote:

“In her own way, she tried her best. One of the gifts she gave me was to always encourage my painting. That was one thing she always praised. I’m not surprised I grew up to be a painter”

 I don’t know if my mom is “borderline” or “sz” for sure, but, reading books like these made me realize it wasn’t like she was doing it “on purpose” and see things from her side a bit.  The parts that didn’t apply to me, I figured helped me better understand my mother and how she felt growing up the way she did wither HER mother being severely schizophrenic.

Page 123 goes on to suggest a little exercise:

STOP AND THINK: Positive Recollections

• Sit quietly and think of a positive memory – however fleeting – that you had with a parent,even one who was mostly invalidating and/or abusive. Do you remember a song, a story, a particular walk, or a gift – a snapshot of a moment when you felt happy, glad, loved, joyful even, with your parent?

• Note what senses get aroused when you think of that moment.  Is it smell, touch, sight, sound? Are these sensations that now arouse positive feelings for you?

• Write about how it feels to be able to focus on a positive memory, a positive moment with your parent.

When I read this, I knew immediately what one of my favorite ”good memories” of my mom was/is from when I was a child.  It’s something she and I still bring up when we get together, because it’s something we can both actually smile about and not argue about…

I remember my mother telling me stories at nap time.  It was a favorite time for me. She was a good story teller.  She would ask me what I wanted in the story.  I’d look around my room, see the Bambi decor, and inevitable say, “a rabbit…. a deer…. a butterfly”… whatever I saw on my walls.  Sometimes, I’d throw in a squirrel or something.  And, my mom would tell a story… using whatever characters I wanted…. and always with “a little girl with long blonde hair, and big blue eyes, and freckles from the angel kisses” as the main character.

I ate that right up like candy. 

Sure I remember the not so positives…  I often felt alone….  I remember doing a lot of nothing when I was really young.  I missed my brother when he went off to school full days.  Before that, he always entertained me.  But for a few years, before I went into first grade, I did a lot of entertaining myself.   Trying to keep quiet and out of mom’s way.  Off by myself often coloring… painting… listening… waiting…

But, nap time…  That was different.  I had her full attention then… 

She could be quite charming and entertaining… So animated.  Definitely interesting.  And, she always made me feel so special through those stories…  I remember snuggling up with her, and never wanting nap time to end.  I actually don’t remember how the stories ended.  She would just ramble, making it up as she went along, until I dozed off.  I’d try my best to stay awake… to make her keep going… but, eventually my eyelids wouldn’t cooperate and I’d doze off. 

It definitely feels good to have these memories.  Reminds me that she really did love me…  like she really did make efforts to do her best for me… and makes me feel lucky that I have memories like these to prove it.  It also makes it easier to let go of the not-so-good memories… 

~smj

Forgiving Mom…

Linda Athis stumbled in here recently and commented on my blog… which led me to her blog called “Forgiving Mom” (http://forgivingmom.wordpress.com/).  I was amazed and intrigued by the many similarities she and I seem to have.  But, the one glaring difference, is that she has lost her mom… and she’s feeling the pain of that.  Still, she talks of coming to terms with things and forgiving her Mom before she died.  It made me wonder how I will feel when my mom is gone some day?  But, I still didn’t know if I felt the same “forgiveness and understanding” she wrote of…  

 But, between reading her blog… and all the soul searching  and reminiscing I’ve been doing this past year…  and talking to my good friend til the wee hours of the morning the other weekend…  and the post I wrote recently about Christmas and how BOTH my parents made sure we had good ones..  I realized something….

 I need to forgive my mom. 

I have said that I did, because I believe she is/was sick, so I could…  but… did I really?  I don’t think so. 

I know I have a lot of resentment bottled up in me towards her… I fight it all the time… She makes me angry… crazy…. hurt.  It’s hard to squeeze forgiveness in there. 

But… I think… I finally do.  I think I finally can. 

All this researching… reflecting… has taught me a lot.  Not only about myself… but also about my Mom.

 For years…  I’ve tried to make excuses for her… and tried to forgive her and love her in spite of so many things about her that still made me upset.   I wanted to but, I don’t think I really could.. or did.   

But, now… I see things differently for the first time.  I still think I had a right to feel the way I did towards her… but, I finally feel like I can start to let those angry and bitter feelings go. 

For years, I saw my father as the “good parent”… and the “martyr”.  I still see that… but, for the first time… I am really seeing that my mom not only TRIED her best to be a good parent too… but, that all in all… she really was a good mom.  It took two to make our family work at all… and my mother.. was also a “good parent” and “martyr”. 

She had her battles too.  When I think about just how much she was dealing with that I can probably never understand… and I think about my childhood and how she was… and still is with my brothers and our children…. I realize…  I was actually pretty damn lucky.  Some of the stories I’ve read about mentally ill parents were much MUCH worse than anything I had to deal with.  However, I bet my mother could relate to some of the worse case scenarios because of HER mother that was in and out of institutions her whole life.  What a rotten childhood SHE must have had.  I never really understood that as much as I do now. 

So, yeah… she was a religious nut and is a bit whacky at times.  But, you know what? She really did love me.  She really DOES love me.  And she tries her best to show it.  Looking back, I see that she really did everything she could to try to be a good mom and be there for us.  And she was.  Even with her illness and the religious BS… she was probably a better mother than a lot of women out there.  Losing touch with reality a little… and dealing with her past…. ??  That had to be hard for her.  No wonder she was/is a religious nut.  Maybe that was/is her saving grace?  Maybe without it, she’d be in much worse shape and need meds and hospitals too?  So, she didn’t always measure up.  So what?  Who does?  Ya know what?  I finally realize that she did damn good. 

Yes, I still look back at some things… and think, “that wasn’t right!”… “that shouldn’t have happened to me!”.   I still believe that.  I think I NEEDED to validate those feelings… and grieve a bit for myself…  but, I think more importantly I need to learn and deal with those feelings.  I feel like I finally can do that. 

When my parents fought (which they did a lot)… my dad always use to say he was only staying with her because of us kids.  She use to say she was only staying with him because her relgion didn’t believe in divorce.  Hearing this, use to make me wince and again think my Dad was doing something great for US…  but not her.  She was only there for religion….  

 But, looking back… I think I had this wrong.  Regardless of what she screamed at him…  she HAD to have stayed all those years for a number of reasons probably (as did he probably!)… and myself and my brothers just HAd to be one of her main reasons too.  I think, deep down, she knew my dad was a good father.  Maybe she didn’t want to admit it… because it was confusing to her since he was an atheist and all.  But she also didn’t want to deprive us of that.  I think she did want us to grow up with both parents… and that she DID have our best interests in mind.  Regardless of if she ever said it. 

Using “religion” as her excuse – was just that.  An excuse she could rationalize out and readily admit.   I mean, let’s face it… she has used religion for an excuse to support anything that she ever really did… or didn’t want to do.  I think, that had she REALLY wanted to get divorced and leave him… you can bet your bottem dollar that the Holy Spirit or God would have appeared to her and told her it was okay…. and that she SHOULD.  This never happened until we were all grown.  Why?  Because she didn’t really want to leave him!  Why am I just NOW figuring all this out?!

I am just now… at 41 years of age.. realizing that she also sacrificed for us kids… she also was a martyr for us… she also not only TRIED to be a good mom… but, WAS.  All things considered… she did pretty damn good by me…

And I’ve been a mean daughter…  Resentful.  Angry.  

I am so glad I am discovering these feelings before she’s dead and gone.  I am finally realizing how lucky I was/am to have her in my life.  I am finally realizing I need to let go of my anger and resentment towards her.  I am finally seeing her for the couragious person and loving mother she was/is…  

I need to tell her these things…  that she was a good mom.  I don’t think I’ve ever really told her that and meant it.  I really mean it now.  I need to tell her.

Greatest Love Story of All Time??

 My very good Christian friend that I was debating all kinds of things with had the following to say to me at one point in our conversations… She said:

 “I think that He (God) totally understands the warped church that you were raised in (good intentions on the part of your Mom I’m sure, but still …), why you think what you think, and no matter what you think about him right now, or where you are with him right now, he loves you. Period. He knows what you’re going to do tomorrow, and even 10 years from now. He’s not frowning down on you because you aren’t reading your Bible every day. Does he miss you? Yes. But is he some unforgiving, mean, judgmental God who only loves you if you do everything “right” (by who’s standards?). No, he loves us “as is”. And forgiveness is what he is all about. How else do you explain Jesus. That is the greatest love story of all time if you ask me.“

 

I know she means well… and she is trying to make me feel the “love” of God… but, is it just me… or does this really have some contradicting messages in it?

First of all, something that annoys me is that people think I am the way I am because I just wasn’t going to the right church.  While, I DO think the churches (plural, because there were in fact several, not one!) WERE warped – I don’t think they are the only ones like that.  And, I’m sure many others went to the same churches with different outcomes, or totally different churches with similar outcomes.   

I know that wasn’t her point.  What I think she was trying to hammer home – was  the idea that God loves me… and is not judgmental… etc.   I get what she was trying to say… but it still doesn’t cut it for me.  I mean, don’t you have to take that part of the message of the bible (the warm fuzzy part), along with the overall message (the warm fuzzy unless you go to hell part)?   I’m sorry, it just…. doesn’t….  make….  sense to me. 

I mean, IF He loves us “as is”…  no matter what… even if we are not “doing everything right”  – then,  why are there so many rules and guidelines on what we can or can not do?  Or on how we should change, or basically live our lives?  Why do we need so much forgiveness?  And ultimately, if he’s so understanding, accepting, and forgiving, and non-judgmental – then why is there so much condemnation and threats of hell?  And, how, can He actually send so many of “his children”, that he loves so and misses so much, to such a place? 

Now, I know the old “love the sinner, not the sin” argument… and the parent/child and unconditional love arguments.  But, I also know that I would never send my child to Hell.  Regardless of whether I WAS right or not… or if they smartened up and listened to me or not?  

Is there such a thing as “tough love” – yes.  Do we need to let our kids learn the hard way sometimes, or even lay in the bed they made to learn a lesson? Yeah.. I guess…  but, that is different than hitting a point where you completely abandon and give up on them – FOREVER.  I suppose some parents do that.  Does that make it right?  Maybe it’s just my warped, agnostic, maternal instincts, but I know that I personally would never completely give up on my kids… let alone condemn them to Hell. 

Apparently, however, that IS what she believes.  That this all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful, loving and forgiving heavenly father of ours will eventually do just that, right?  He will send  any “non-believers” to Hell, right? 

Or, if you want to get into the whole – “He doesn’t SEND us there, we CHOSE it” debate… then, still…  no matter how you look at it, he will at the very best basically LET any non-believers go to hell, right? (Because, I also have a hard time believing that IF He’s all that he’s cracked up to be, He couldn’t stop it if He wanted to.)  Which will bring up the old “free will” argument, and how he wants us to chose, he can’t make us, etc.  Another circular message! 

Just because I don’t believe in something that makes no sense to me, does NOT mean I want to burn in hell eternally.  It’s ridiculous.  And, if he’s so all seeing, all knowing… etc…. you would think he’d know of a way to have handled this whole dilemma better.  There’s a good post on Heather’s I wonder as I wander Blog called, “they shall be without excuse” that gets into that whole aspect of this.  This is like saying that by not believing in Santa Cluas, you are CHOSING to be banished to the Isle of the Misfit Toys.   ?!?  I mean, come on…  where is the logic in this?  I told my Christian friend, “look… for the record… if someday it turns out that you are right… and I am wrong… and you are up in heaven… and you look down and I’m burning in hell.. .I just want it on record that I DO NOT CHOOSE TO BE THERE!”. 

But, that is what many good Christians seem to believe.  That when we die,  if we failed to “see the light”, for whatever reasons, we are just plain screwed, right?    So what does that mean exactly?  What do people think?  That we will face Him at the pearly gates, and what will he say? Something like - 

 ”whelp?  you blew it.  I gave you lots and lots of chances – and now… I give up and you can rot in eternal hell..  forever and EVER.  Maybe next time you’ll listen to me.  Wait.  Scratch that.  There IS no next time.  (as if I didn’t know that! alomst gotcha, didn’t I? )   Yup.  You sure blew it.  I hate to say it… I really do… but… ummm… I TOLD YOU SO!  *sigh*… Ahhhhh… I just never get sick of saying that.  But, no seriously, it breaks my heart to know you’re doomed to eternal torment and all…  it really does…   but, you know you had your chances and those are the rules.  Must sure suck to be you. Whelp, I better get back to the GOOD Christians in Heaven who also no longer care about you, and go live happily ever after with them.  Buh-bye now.”  

 ?????

Yeah.  Ok.  Greatest Love Story.  ??  Sheesh…  I think NOT.   

Reminds me of the Carlin Vid I posted before on the “threats of hell” post I made.  Check it out for a laugh… (Carlin vid at bottom, not the hell vid at the top).

~smj

 

 

 

 

Forgive me, so I can forgive myself…

(Do we NEED to believe in God in order to forgive ourselves?  I hope not…  but, maybe we do? Or at least, maybe MANY of us do???)

So, I mentioned that I had been going back and forth with a friend about religion, etc… 

One of the many links/articles she sent me was a link to this article called “The Adulteress: A Stone’s Throw from Grace” (found here:              http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2007/julaug/4.58.html?start=2)

Now, she sent this, because she was trying to explain how she is NOT judging gay people, or ANYONE… and, how GOD doesn’t want to condemn people to hell… how Jesus Saves, etc.   As in the story, Jesus didn’t condemn the adulteress but says the old “let he who has not sin cast the first stone”.  Now… of course I’ve heard this story, and this message a million times.  Well, I finally read the article she sent me anyway…  and, one part, towards the end, struck me.  I felt a light bulb “ah-HA moment”. 

It was this part:

“We hear you, Lord. What a relief to know that because of your grace, we can leave behind the past, as this woman did, and walk in a whole new direction.”

Now, like I said, this message is nothing new.  What clicked was how it pertained to my friend.  You see, my friend is constantly saying of herself, “who am *I* to judge after everything *I* went through, and my own past”… etc., etc.  She is quick to admit she’s made her mistakes… and then quick to explain how much better she knows now. 

This is probably all true.  That’s not what made me go “ah-HA!”. 

What suddenly became really clear to me, is that my friend feels awful guilty about some of her past mistakes.  As I’m sure many of us do.   However, I think, she was really, reeeeally beating herself up over things  – for years.  I think she got herself into a vicious circle because of that… and I don’t think I even realized just how bad she was hurting.  She doesn’t want to “be” that person that made those mistakes.  She didn’t want to accept that was “her”.   But, I think, no matter how she tried, she couldn’t shake it.  She couldn’t accept that the “good person” she wanted to be, would make the “bad” mistakes she had made. 

I think, finding “God”, and believing that he could love her… in spite of her sins… allowed her to love herself again.  Gave her back her respect…. allowed her to let herself start over.  Just like the adulteress in that story.  After all, if GOD could forgive her and love her… of course she should too, right? 

I don’t know why this is all so interesting to me all of  a sudden.  I’ve heard countless stories from folks with very checkered pasts, who become born again.  It actually was a pet peeve of mine when I was a teen.  Heck, my teen leader was one of them (and he was pretty creepy).  I didn’t think I should listen to him when a month ago he was a big drug addict and loser, just because now he’d “found God”. 

I’ve also often thought that maybe religion helped people cope… period.  With whatever.  And, maybe they needed it, for whatever reasons. In my mom’s case, because of her illness and to deal with how she grew up.  Or to deal with loss… grief.  I’ve even envied others at times because I couldn’t seem to get any comfort myself from religion with all my skeptical views.   So, the “needing” religion isn’t a new idea to me either.

But, I am getting a different side of this now…
When applying this to my friend’s situation, I’m seeing this in a whole new light. 

I’m not even sure it’s the forgiving ourselves aspect that I’m finidng so interesting here.  Surely, this is not a new concept either?  But, I’m not sure that I had thought that this might apply to my friend.  But, I think that’s exactly it.  Maybe she needs religion in order to live with herself?   Maybe, it really did “save her” from her own guilt.  I don’t think she could accept the mistakes she had made.  When, in my opinion, they were not even all that bad.  She was young and naive and HUMAN.  It’s not like she belongs in prison or anything.  Yet, I think, she was creating her own prison.  She had herself trapped.  She needed God, or the idea of God, to forgive her and give her the strength to set her free. 

Is it so bad to admit that we are just human?  Can we not admit when we make a mistake… and say, “yeah, I fucked up. Bad!”, and try to learn from it?  Try to understand how it happened?  Try not to let it happen again? and, try to move on?  Of course we all make mistakes.  Do we need to have a God to forgive us and love us, in order to love ourselves??  Maybe some of us do? Maybe all of us do? 

Which leads me to my bigger light-bulb feeling. 

Do I need this???
Is that part of my problem? 
That I can’t forgive myself for whatever terrible things I’ve done?  Including things that were not even my fault??  And, I don’t have enough faith to believe in a God that can forgive me either?  

 Would *I*, or any of us,  even have felt THAT kind of guilt if we didn’t have relgion and God shoved down our throats in the first place???  

I don’t know… 

Talk about vicious circles…

This is not really coming out right and I’m having trouble explaining my “ah-HA moment”.  Sorry if I’m rambling incoherently.    

I am going to have to mull this one over a bit…

~smj