Personalizing

One of the books I read a while back, that really hit home with me and I felt the need to recently re-visit was “My Parents’ Keeper: Adult Children of the Emotionally Disturbed (Paperback)”.  I bought it shortly before I started this blog back in 2006…   and before that point, I never heard of an ACMIP (Adult Child of a Mentally Ill Parent). 

Up until that point, I hadn’t really taken the time to look into the history of mental illness on my mother’s side of the family…  or thought too much about what her problems might be… and/or how this all may have impacted me.  When I finally started researching a bit on the taboo subject (because it was never something really admitted or discussed openly around my house), and started really trying to learn more… really tried to understand things - so much made sense. 

The following excerpt from this book was one of those things that hit home for me:

Personalizing

One error that people frequently make when communicating needs and feelings has to do with personalizing the problem.  Personalizing means assuming that other people’s behavior is always determined by their feelings toward you.  For example, you may assume they act the way they do, because they don’t care about you or dislike you.

As an ACMIP, you felt responsible for everything that went right or wrong at home.  The mood swings of an unstable parent always seemed related to something you did, or failed to do.  Little wonder that, as an adult, you assume the feelings and reactions of others all have to do with you.

As a child, experiencing yourself as the center of the universe, it may have been difficult for you to understand that the inadequate parenting you received was not aimed at you, and was not an attempt to hurt or punish you.  Only when you got somewhat older could you see that your disturbed parent behavior had little to do with you or what you deserved.”

I read that, and was like – “wow! that’s me!”.  When I read the middle paragraph in quotations above explaining WHY a child with a Mentally Ill parent would feel this way even more so than average - it made so much sense.  

I have ALWAYS, for as long as I can remember, have taken full responsibility (or blame) for not only my own actions, but often everyone around me too.  I do it so much that for years I have joked about it – telling my friends, “just tell (whomever) that it was all my fault”… and even though I said it half jokingly – the truth is, I always DID feel like whatever happened was usually “my fault”.   Like I had some invisible power over my friends or situations and I should have been able to do something to change them/things/whatever. 

My closest friends have commented for years that I’m too hard on myself… or that I often over analyze and feel guilty over too many things. I’ve written about feeling “guilty” in this blog several times.  I realized a huge part of that guilt comes from this “personalizing”. 

When I was a child, I absolutely felt responsible for my mother’s mood swings and so much more.  I did try to do whatever I could to make her happy, to not set her off on a tangent, to keep the peace between her and my dad, etc.  I was always on the “look out” – anticipating her moods and needs.  Not to mention literally feeling like it was my responsibility to ”save” my own father’s soul.  Hello???  Talk about pressure!! No wonder I “personalize”. 

When I learned this – it was helpful to know.  It didn’t really help me stop doing it all together… but, it helped. 

The same book goes on say about ”personalizing”:

People have hurts, priorities, yearnings and losses that you certainly have not caused.  You are NOT the center of their universe, only your own. 

When you’re feeling responsible for, or hurt by someone’s behavior, you can do two things:

1) Assume that you are probably personalizing.
2) Make a list of at least five explanations for their behavior that have nothing to do with you.

Easier said than done, I’ve found… but, worth a shot to keep trying. 

It has helped, in hindsight… to realize that things my mother did or said that really hurt my feelings or whatever, really had nothing to do with me…  but, rather were a result of HER illness… her problems.  Not only this, (because I think I figured that out a while back) – but, realizing that it was MY own interpretations of things -  my personalizing things –  that made the hurt and resentment even worse.  Not that I didn’t have good reason for feeling like that as a child… but, as an adult, I can now understand more and really let go of negative thinking and deep rooted resentment and hurt in the process.  

~smj

Ya Gotta Have Faith

I recently was following a post on the “AbsoluteGrace” blog where they were discussing the Bible – which lead to discussing faith.   

Now, Grace seems like a very nice woman… as I’m sure are the other bloggers there…  and I have no desire to offend or ague with them.  I was just stating my feelings on the matter.  I’d thought I’d repost that here, where I can expand a bit more.

First, on her blog I wrote:

From: http://absolutegrace.wordpress.com/2008/06/12/the-bible-gods-word/

Willa said: “It takes faith to believe the Bible”

Joy said: “there is one ingredient that must be added; to fully appreciate, ’see’, and gain the most knowledge and use from the Bible…One must have faith.”

Faith is a problem for me. I simply don’t have it. Oh, I USE to have it. Believe it or not, I was once very very much a believer. It’s not like I haven’t read the bible. I grew up on it. I can quote more of it than most of my “religious” friends. And for many years I had faith in God. But, little by little… as I grew older, searched more, learned more, and tried to make sense of it all… my “faith” escaped me.

How do you “just believe” something that in your gut, your heart, and your head – simply make no sense? I can’t create something that I just don’t have.

My Christian friends will tell me “just TRY”… “it’s a CHOICE. Just BELIEVE”… “READ the bible with an open mind”… or “PRAY and God will help you!”.

As if I never tried those things?

For several years, I struggled with it… tried to cling to what little I had left… afraid to let it go completely… hoping it would come back to me. Believe me, I prayed. I read the bible. I really wanted to believe… and was afraid not to. Still, my faith eventually completely disappeared.

I miss it sometimes… the comfort it could bring….
But, it’s gone and I don’t know how to just “have faith” now.

What people with strong faith can probably not understand or believe – is that I feel much more comfortable and at peace without it.

~smj

This whole notion of “Faith” really does drive me crazy sometimes.  It’s so….. circular.  You can’t believe, unless you have faith.  You can’t have faith, unless you believe. 

Huh?

I mean, when else, other than religion, do we do this?  Since when is trying to reason things out a bad thing? 

I can think of no other example in which we would tell our children to “just believe something.  Don’t try to reason it out.  Don’t try to understand things that don’t make sense.  Even if it flat out doesn’t make sense to you – just believe it anyway.”    ???

Someone used the wind as an example.  “just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there”. 
Right.  But, I can FEEL the wind.  I can SEE it’s effects.  I can watch the weather channel and the guy there can show me on the Doppler radar exactly what storms are coming in from where, and explain where that wind is coming from.  Wind makes sense.   

Telling me to just “have faith”…  would be like me telling someone,

 ”Santa IS real!  Despite anything you learned or saw or thought that might have proved the contrary… he really DOES exist.  Forget that it seems ridiculous that a man could travel around the world.  Forget that you SAW your parents wrapping your presents and signing “Santa” (they were just trying to mess you up!).  Forget any other things that led you to believe the contrary.  Just have faith!  And, if you just BELIEVE your life will be better for it and you will get great presents!  Well, you also have to follow his rules and be GOOD.  But, first you have to believe.  He won’t make sense unless you DO believe… and you won’t get any rewards unless you do… and if you DO believe… and you STILL don’t get any presents?  Well, you  must not have been a TRUE believer…  or you weren’t GOOD enough.  It’s your own fault for not really believing.  So, keep trying!  Why can’t you just believe?”.

Ok – that was a bit sarcastic and maybe comparing God to Santa isn’t the best analogy…  but, replace Santa with anything else.  I’m sure you get my drift.   I mean, how can you just believe in something you that simply makes no sense to you?  How does one DO that?   

Seriously, are there any other times we do this?  Have this “blind faith”??  

Like many things… I just don’t get it.

My Christian friends and I have actually had lots of real life friendly, and not-so-friendly, debates on such matters, and usually just need to agree to disagree.  In the end, they will tell me that I don’t WANT to get it – and so I don’t.  They can believe that if they want.    But, the truth is twofold.  One, I did try and wanted to “get it” for years… many years ago.  And, Two, at this point, they are right…  I no longer want it.  I am content, and even feel better off without it.  I’d still like to understand it, though.  

~smj

“sex is the most awful, filthy thing on Earth, and you should save it for someone you love”

So, I was doing some much overdue blog surfing… and went to one of my favorite blogs – http://parentingbeyondbelief.com/blog/, and I happened to see a post called: “sex and the balls of the evangelical”, and the following quote at the top of the page really cracked me up.

“Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you’re going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on Earth, and you should save it for someone you love.“  –Butch Hancock, country singer/songwriter

Now, I don’t really know Butch Hancock’s work – but, this quote alone was enough to make me want to run out and buy his CD.  LOL

The rest of the blog post there was also verrrry interesting…  talking about the latest trend with many Christians – „Purity Balls“.  I love Dale McGowan’s take on this…   so go there and read it:  http://parentingbeyondbelief.com/blog/?p=235 . 

However, it wasn’t so much the Purity Balls, but the general topic of sex and religious outlooks on it that really hit home with me today. 

It just so happens that today I am recovering from yesterday and the night before…  when I discovered that my 11 year old son had been going on to some not-so-kid-friendly websites recently.  To put it bluntly – I discovered that when I thought he was doing his homework on my computer – he was actually looking at naked women. 

The poor boy wasn’t smart enough to cover his tracks…  and didn’t realize that his dear old mom knows a thing or two about computers.  So, it was easy to see that he started off searching for things like, “women’s underwear”, and  “see through underwear“  and  “games with naked chicks in them”…  which worked it’s way up to “naked women“, and “big boobs“…. and unfortunately those led to some fairly hardcore websites. 

I       was       shocked. 

Mortified. 

I literally never thought in a million years that he was even thinking about girls yet!  Which, I realize is pretty stupid of me.  I was mad at myself for not putting that porn filter“ back on my PC.  I actually just got a new computer fairly recently and am still getting it set up – and hadn’t gotten around to the porn filtering software yet. 

So, here I was… kicking myself in the ass for not seeing this coming… and also mortified and shocked by what he had seen.  I was worried about him.  Ok.  I admit it, this was as close to panicky as I’ve felt in a long time.  

I called my husband and rambled on somewhat frantically.  How could he have done this?  How could I have been so stupid to think he wouldn’t do this?  What did he think about what he saw?  Was he going to be ruined for life now?!?  

My head was spinning. 

Our kids had already gone to bed… which was a good thing because I was half ready to freak out at him…  and I knew that, really, that was the last thing I wanted to do… or should do.  I needed to calm down. 

So, my husband and I talked… and he said, he would talk to our son the next day after school.  It was his day to get him off the bus, so that worked out well.  We agreed that we didn’t want to make this into an already bigger deal than it was… that we didn’t want to yell and scream or freak out on our son about this. 

We wanted to let him know it was natural to be curious…  find out how he felt… what he thought about things he saw… did he have questions?  At the same time I wanted to let him know that while sex is natural and not a bad thing…  still, what you see on websites is not really “natural”, or “real”, and that it was easy to wind up on websites that even grown ups shouldn’t be looking at… and that people can do and post really bad things on-line,  kids and people can get hurt… and that people can even go to jail.. blah blah blah.  All this, while still not freaking him out or making him feel like he is a terrible kid.  We agreed that we would use this as a chance try to open the doors for communication and see if he has any questions or what he wants to know…  but, also let him know he can’t do it again…  (especially since NOW I have the filtering software back up!).  

So, two nights ago, I spend a good portion of the night searching thru my computer and my husband’s laptop…  talking to my husband about it… and researching on-line just what the best way to handle this might be.  What is “normal“?  (as IF I don’t know there IS NO normal, by now).  I even wound up ordering a couple books on-line.  One to give my son that talks about puberty and changes…. and one for my husband and I that talked about talking to your kids about sex. 

I then went to work yesterday and worried most of the day about this.  I couldn’t help it.  All I could think was, “I am SO not ready for puberty with my son! When did my little baby grow up?“. 

I wondered how my husband would approach him?   If my son would deny it or not?   Would my husband be able to make the points we discussed?  I mean, my husband is a great guy, but he’s not really known for his communication skills.  Could he even bring up the things we discussed?  I was worried… but, I also knew this talk was better coming from him.  Besides, my husband has a great way of handling big issues really calmly and rationally…  (it’s the little things that send him over the deep end). 

So, I worked… and I worried myself sick all day yesterday.   

I called home around 4pm yesterday.. figuring by then they should have talked… and I had to know how it went before I headed home from work.  I wanted to know what I’d be coming home to.  My husband told me calmly and rationally how it went.  It went smooth.  No denial.  Some embarrassment.  No yelling.  Some discussion.  Rules were made.  Lines of communication were opened.  Computer privileges were taken away temporarily. 

This sounded a lot easier than I thought it was going to be.  It sounded like no big deal.  Was that a good thing??  It is, right?  I was torn.

I still felt nervous about coming home.  How would my son look me in the eye?  How would I look him in the eye?  How should I act? 

I walked thru the door, and my 11 year old son playfully tried to surprise me, like he always does.  “Boo!”, he shouted as he jumped out and ran past me.  I looked at him curiously.  He started telling me about his school project.  Nothing unusual.  He was all smiles.  Chattering on.  I saw no sign of guilt.  No shame.  I hid my confusion and listened on. 

After a while, I couldn’t take it…  I said quietly to him, “so, I heard your father had a long talk with you”.  He looked down and said, “yes”, a little embarrassed.  A little guilty.  But, no more so than when he got caught lying to me about something stupid.  I said, “OK.  Well, he told me what he said… and,  so I’m not going to lecture you or anything” (A look of relief on his face appears).  “Your father and I both know it’s natural to be curious – but, we need you to know that you can’t be going to those websites, right?”  (right).  “Ok – well – we can talk more later…  and if you have any questions you let Dad or me know, ok?“  - (OK). 

That was it.  ??  Two minutes later he was back to himself.   Talking.  Playing.  He certainly didn’t look scarred for life or anything.  I thought, at first, that maybe he was deliriouslyhappy… relieved that we didn’t kill him or anything. 

Then, I thought about how my parents, especially my mother, talked about sex to me when I was a kid.  Sex was evil.  Nasty.  Disgusting.  Something “bad“ kids and bad people did…  even talking about it or saying the word was bad.  Hell, even THINKING about it was BAD.  If I had been caught doing anything like my son was doing, I never would have heard the end of it.  I think I would have contemplated suicide if I knew they had seen the same naked pics I was looking at.  I would have felt so ashamed.  Of course, this mindset didn’t stop me from being curious or seeing things I shouldn’t have seen.  It just made me feel tremendously guilty about them for years…

No wonder I was so freaked out and worried about my son!   I was putting myself in his shoes – or putting him in MY old shoes.  ??   It didn’t occur to me until after seeing his reaction that, luckily for him, he is NOT in my old shoes.  No where’s CLOSE to those shoes.  So he has no reason to be panic stricken.  He has never had the evils of sin and lust pounded in his head.  He’s never been taught about the dark powers of the flesh, and how disgusting sex is… or how terrible and weak one must be to indulge…  Or had the kind of fear of hell and judgment instilled in him that I did. 

No.  He knew he did something he wasn’t suppose to do… and was looking at stuff he wasn’t suppose to be looking at.  That’s it.   No, he doesn’t know (and hopefully will never know) how terrible it is to have such much fear and guilt over something so natural.   If nothing else, I did something right when I threw out those old shoes of mine and didn’t put any other kids in them…

This taught me a bit about myself too.  Just how much I was affected (and still am) by the way I was brought up.  I mean, my reaction was like a knee-jerk one… and it took all my self control, common sense, rational, and my husband to keep it in check.  I still had to live through it to really feel that it was okay.  And, today was a whole new day and it doesn’t seem like so big of a deal at all.  This confirmed to me how I need to be careful not to carry  the unwanted, but so ingrained, feelings and reactions over to my own children.  

Oh yeah.. and it taught me that I need to install a porn blocker!

~smj

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Inspired by Martin Luther King Day…

At work, we went to a “cultural diversity” event where they showed a film from the 1964 race riots.  A co-worker asked me if I remembered anything about these riots in the news from when I was little.  I smacked her upside the head since I wasn’t born until 1966.  Hellooo??  What the heck was she thinking??? 

Anyway -the film was very interesting.  It not only talked about the actual riots, but the build up to them.. and the aftermath.  Lot’s of real life news clips… and personal testimonies.  Very cool.

Afterwards, I opted to go to a discussion group which was really more of a listening group.  There were some old-timers there, who were actually at the NY riots in July 1964.  They told personal stories and memories of the events.  One was a minister, who personally knew Martin Luther King, and actually had Malcom X stay with him in his home for a few days shortly before he was assassinated. 

I listened in awe.  This was amazing history… right here in front of me.  I felt like I was listening to my grandfather or something, and I was soaking it all up.  Except, I’m white… so… I guess it’s not quite like listening to my grandfather – and I’m sure they weren’t looking at me like I could relate.  I really can’t… but, I want to. I want to understand… but, I can see why my black co-workers tell me I can’t really understand. 

Matter of fact, I’m sorry to say that my own grandfather was pretty prejudice.  My grandmother also… but, she preferred to waste her hatred on anyone Oriental.  She actually refused to drink tea, because it came from China.. ???  And, this was all because her other son, my uncle that I never met, fought in the Korean war.  Somehow, these negative feelings towards Koreans – carried over to all Oriental people – and to Tea… and then across the board for any other races or people that were “different”.  This never made sense to me.  Not when I was a young girl… or as an adult…. but, when I was a child, I figured she had good reason for feeling this way.  I mean, she was my grandmother, and in all other aspects… a sweet old lady that loved me to death. 

To me, it’s a clear example of how easily people can create, hang on to, and pass down prejudices.   Sad really. 

I remember arguing with my parents when I was young… I accused them of being prejudice – just like my grandparents… they denied this in one breath, and would then tell me in the next breath why they didn’t want too many black people to move in our neighborhood.  They totally believed what they were saying.  Luckily, I was at my rebellious age, and I didn’t believe them.  I totally couldn’t understand how they could say such things… (and yes, “they” as in both my parents… the religious nut AND the atheist.)

All this, made me think, though.  I mean,  here you have good people… believing bad things… sometimes, for no other reason than that is what they are taught.  It’s a terrible cycle.  But, how is this different than people who are religious fanatics, who bring up their kids to believe the same fearful, often hateful and judgemental, thoughts?  And, how do you stop it from continuing?

Someone needs to break the cycle.  A lot of someones need to break many cycles.  How does we go about doing that? 

Well?  What was it that made me question my own parents and grandparents about being prejudice?  I know what it was.  It was when I was a teenager, and in high school, and we started learning more about real life history.  It didn’t take much for a child to realize that slavery was wrong, etc.  And, I think, once you appeal to someones basic humanity and intellect – they can’t help but start questioning beliefs that just don’t hold water.

This is why I think our public schools SHOULD teach religion… but, they should teach about ALL religions… dating right back to the Greek gods, etc.  Let some of these kids who have only heard about one religion, or had it jammed down their throat since they were babies hear some facts.  I’m not talking about trying to convert anyone, or deconvert… they don’t have to say what is “right” or “wrong”… just give them some basic facts.  After that, they can decide for themselves if what they believe is because it makes sense to them, and they truly believe it.. or is it only because it’s what they were handed on their plate, along with a big cup of fear to wash it down? 

In the end…. it’s all about  living and LEARNING.  Education, is the only way to break cycles.  I use to think you learned FROM what you were living…  Of course, this is true.  However, it’s also the ”learning”  that truly allows us to live well. 

peace,
~smj

PS – now I have the sudden urge to go take a night class or something…  =)

To me… when I was 13…

Whelp… I’ve been tagged… by Rebecca from her “Fictional Reality” blog.   The idea is to write a letter to yourself when you were 13.  This was her post – “Tag! You’re it!“, and is a good read that leaves one wondering… “what exactly happened at her cousin’s wedding anyway??”.  =)… 

It is funny that not too long ago, I wound up writing a post called “If I could go back in time… “.  In that post, I wound up writing about what I would tell myself if I could go back 6 years ago… when I was pregnant with my 2nd son, had a 5 year old son, and was taking care of my dieing father. 

I didn’t plan to write it… it just rolled off…  and the really weird thing is that only a couple days later, I wound up face to face with a pregnant woman – pregnant with her 2nd son, and she has a 4 year old son, and she had just lost her mother.  I wound up in a deep conversation with her, even though we hardly knew each other… and, saying many of the same things to her that I had just written about. 

Anyway – now, I’m faced with writing to my 13 year old self… and I can’t help but wonder if there is some poor 13 year old out there, that is  going thru a similar time that I had, and will suddenly appear after this post and engage me in deep conversation…   ???  Wouldn’t that be something???

Before I begin my letter, I’d like to say that I remember being 13 very well…  and I have my old diary to remind me of just where my mindset was those days.  At that time, I was going thru some major rebellion and learning curves of my own.  I sort of doubt that I would listen to any adult back then too much…  probably not even myself since I’m now “old”.  LOL  But, also true to my nature then and now, I will tell myself what I think should be said, whether the 13 year old me wants to hear it or not!   So, here goes….

Dear Samantha Jane… 
(yes, I know that is not your real name…  and I do not know WHY your mother always called you that…. and it’s even MORE of a mystery as to why 29 years later you would chose it for your blog name?? What’s a “blog”, you ask?  Ohh… never mind!)

I know you don’t think anyone can possibly understand where you are coming from, or how you feel…  but, you should know that if anyone can, I can.  And, all in all, I don’t think you need too many pointers. You actually did a pretty darn good job of surviving your teen years, and you obviously make it thru alive.  Better yet, you make it through with a rather positive outlook on life and a smile on your face. You have a better head on your shoulders than you realize… and all in all, you have a pretty good life.  But, now that I’m 41, I can think of a few things that might have been nice to know when I was your age (13).   So, maybe, jusssssssssssst maybe – you can take some of these pointers into consideration, ok? 

1)  You are not alone.  You might feel like you are…  but, someday, they are going to have this thing called “the Internet”, and you are going to be able to read about all kinds of people whom you can actually relate to and went thru similar situations.  That alone, is sort of comforting to me now… so, I thought if might make you feel better. 

2)  Your parents both love you very much.  Yes, they have their issues with each other and in general.. but, never doubt that they both love YOU.  Not the “you” that you think you need to pretend to be – but the REAL you.  They do.  You may have them fooled on some things… but, if/when they find out the truth (and ummm… they will eventually), guess what?  They still love you.  Believe it.

3) Your brother’s love you too.  Even your oldest brother whom you swear hates you and loves to see you get in trouble.  Yeah, he might be a little jealous of you sometimes, but he truly cares about you so much that he worries about you more than you know.  He would do anything for you… and there winds up being a few times that he actually really helps you out.  Don’t be afraid to talk to him, and know that both of your brother’s always have your back. 

On the other hand, realize that just because your brothers would never hit a girl… there are other guys out there that will.  You might want to think twice before you dump your drink down that jerk’s pants when your 19… even though, he totally deserved it.  But, if you DO decide to do it… then, after you pick yourself up off the floor (after the 2nd time you go down), and the whole bar is holding him back??  – Use a fist when you swing over the little bar-tenders head and hit him (instead of an open hand slap to the head).  Then still take him to court, press charges, and sick your brother’s on him! The nazi-rat-bastard!   

4)  OK – this is a hard one.  About your Mom….  While, yes, she loves you… you should know that she has some bigger issues than just being a religious fanatic.  She has some real mental health issues.  Don’t laugh.  It’s not funny.  I know you joke about it, but don’t really believe this right now.  It’s scary… but, it’s true.  No, she’s not like her mother… but, it is more than just her religious outlooks, or her relationship with Dad.  She’s looses touch with reality sometimes.  I think you’re better off knowing this.  I think everything will be less confusing and scary if you learn a little about it. 

You don’t need to confront her on it… it won’t do any good… and don’t expect Dad to want to talk about it either – because he’s also afraid to believe this.  He’s afraid of what people will think about your whole family if they know.  His silence on these issues is both his being in denial, and because he’s trying to protect you.  But, don’t YOU be afraid anymore.  You are NOT like your mother… and you don’t have these same issues that she has.  Her problems are completely unrelated to you.  However, her problems DO affect you.  Try to learn a little about schizophrenia or mental illness in general… and, know that when she does things, it’s NOT YOUR FAULT.  It’s also not her fault….  but, mostly realize there’s nothing you can do to make her better. 

5)  Matter of fact, you should know that a lot of things are NOT your fault.  You have a tendency to put way too much pressure on yourself.  It’s good to take responsibility for yourself… and your own actions.  But, you need to understand that there are many things that you just have to deal with…  but can not control. Try not to feel so guilty all the time.

6)  Your Dad is not going to Hell.  And either is your brother, or you, or anyone else that you love and worry about.  It is not up to you to save them.  And yes, it is wrong for your mother and other church people to put that kind of expectations and pressure on you.  Don’t let them anymore. Stop worrying – and go with your gut.  When you have questions, ask them.  It’s okay to wonder, doubt, ask, and learn.  The more you learn, the better you’ll feel – and the sooner you’ll feel better.

7)  The world is not black and white.  Everything isn’t either good or bad.  There is plenty of gray area.  Don’t be so quick to think you know the answers.. or that someone else does.  You know? You are very good at putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.  You are easily able to sympathize and empathize with folks.  You seem to naturally want to help people (and animals).  Keep doing that.  The more you do that.. the more gray you see… and that’s a good thing. 

8 ) Also, don’t think you have to have this charade of a split personality.  Both “sides” are ALL YOU – and, the “whole you” is actually pretty special.  Those that really care about you, will appreciate your being honest with them and the “whole” you, way more than only getting the parts of you that you THINK they want to see.

9) And, don’t worry about what other people think about you too much…   Ironically, the more you are yourself… the more confident you are… and the less you try to please everyone else… the more people like you… and the better you’ll feel. 

10)  You’re Dad always tells you that “boys always want what they can’t have, and then once they get it, they don’t want it anymore”.  He’s right.  99% of the time this seems to be the case.. especially for teenage boys.  But, this goes both ways… and if there’s ever a boy that you reeeeeeeeelly think you like soooooo much… and you’re feeling sooo hurt over, think about how this might be applying to you. 

11)  Speaking of boys…  You are right to not have any big desire to get a serious boyfriend any time soon.  Keep learning from your friends mistakes… and being there for them (your friends) when they need you.  Even years later, don’t ever feel pressured into doing something just because you THINK everyone else is doing it… or that you SHOULD want to. If you don’t want to do something, and/or think you’ll regret it.. then, don’t.  

Here’s 2 more things about boys…  1) While it might not seem believable right now… some day, you’ll have more chasing after you than you ever imagined.  Don’t be so afraid of this when it happens.  Have fun.  You don’t have to be serious with any of them if you don’t want to.  Give a few more of them a chance then you do.  because..   2) Someday, when you least expect it, and aren’t looking for it… you WILL meet someone who really loves you and wants to be with you forever.  (and, wait til you see your kids… but, we’ll let that be a surprise.  =)

12)  Your friends mean the world to you right now.. and that doesn’t change.  Don’t ever lose sight of how much you need your friends…  but, do question if someone really IS a friend.  Friendship is a two way street.  You don’t have to follow along with any “friends” that aren’t really looking out for your best interest.  Don’t be so quick to follow…  you can be a great leader when you want to. 

13)  Why don’t you try out for a few more activities?  I know you don’t want to do cheerleading (like your father wants), but, you might like to be on a girls sports team… or maybe even in the Drama club? You know you love to sing.  Don’t NOT do things just to spite anyone… and don’t be so nervous… you can do it! 

14) Think twice about giving up on your piano lessons.  I know it’s hard to learn from mom… but, she really is an excellent pianist… and you COULD play like that someday if you stick with it.  If you don’t… you’ll always regret it. 

15) About Gram and Pa – Visit them, and talk to them, and listen to their stories about your Dad (even though you’ve heard them a million times) every chance you get.  Take in every wrinkle and twinkle in their eyes… 

16) Have fun at concerts..  but, do yourself a favor and don’t chug Jack Daniel’s from a wine sac… 

17) You, are NOT fat.  Some day, you are going to look back at how you look now… and think, “wow!  I was actually pretty good lookin!”.  I know that isn’t going to resonate with you… so maybe at least this advice will.  Please try to understand that there is NOT miracle pill…  or miracle diet…  Save yourself years of yo-yo dieting.  The only way you will ever be thin and healthy is if you eat right… and exercise.  Surprise Surprise. 

18) When you write in your diary…???  Try to write a little bit more about Mom and Dad and Gram and Pa and family events and stuff…  I know it’s easier to write pages and pages about boys and parties and girlfriends… but, trust me on this…

19) Speaking of your Diary…. do you REALLY think Mom isn’t going to read it??  You might want to hide it a little better.. or, leave out a few parts… then again, never mind.  That all plays out for a reason…

and last but not least:

20)  and this is very important…  it could save you YEARS of frustration.  So listen up.  

You, my dear, have naturally wavy hair that has a mind of it’s own.  All the blow-drying, curling irons, and hot rollers in the world will NEVER tame it or enable you to have that feathered back “Farah Faucet hair” that all your friends seem to have.  What you need to do is just brush it once when it’s wet, then put gel in it, scrunch it, and then do NOTHING.  Maybe pick it out a little when it dries and spray it.  That’s it.  Women will tell you for many many years that they would kill for your hair.  It’s one of your only re-deeming features in later years. Try to quit hating it so much and work with it.  =)

Ok – that’s it…  Sorry it was so long and I babbled on and on.  SOME things NEVER change….

~smj

 Now…. if anyone’s interested…  here’s a link to Brad Paisley’s song along these lines – called, “If I could write a letter to me”.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fqtbMHfpXY

 -  oh – and if anyone is still reading this…. consider you yourself tagged!  =)

Oooh… why do I bother?

I somehow (tag surfing) accidentally ended up on a blog the other night called “The Ultimate Goal”,  specifically a post entitled “Why Atheism Does Not Exist”.

Some young man there, Adam Smith, was basically preaching the old “let no man be without an excuse” (for going to hell, that is) argument – because he claims that ALL people, miraculously, really DO believe in God.

Yeah.. okay…
Tell that not only to all the atheists, agnostics, but also to all the people of other religions who don’t believe in the same god as his bible.  Not to mention all the third world people who don’t have the energy or time of day to learn about God because they are too busy starving to death. Apparently, they ALL KNOW they are wrong… and are either living in denial, or because they are just plain defying God on purpose and don’t WANT to follow his rules.  I guess, that latter bunch must relish the idea of a permanent retirement home in a a firey eternal pit of torment. 

Anyway – I don’t know why I bothered to respond… when, I know it is useless – but, I did.  Twice.  Basically, telling him he was wrong.  You can imagine how well that worked.  LOL 

I don’t know why I bother?  I guess, there’s some small part of me, that hopes common sense and common curtousy will prevail. It seems it never does in these type situations.  So, I supose I am foolish for thinking it ever will.

I mean, how do you reason with someone who thinks THEY have ALL the answers… even so far as to tell others what THEY really think. ??? (not to mention someone who would try to prove their point by comparing the reality of Hell to the reality of an electric chair.  Huh?).

My comments on his blog sparked a few others….
Some christians wanting to save me…  Some patting this kid on the back telling him how great he’s doing preaching the gospel.  One nice christian made a comment, with the best intentions, I’m sure that went:

“if we knew the cure for cancer and never told anyone, would that be love? the problem is that no one knows they are sick.”

I wanted to respond by saying,
“What if people only TOLD you that you had cancer, just so that they COULD provide THEIR cure? “.  It’s tempting to elaborate on that… but, I didn’t post it, and won’t bother to because it wouldn’t go anywhere anyway, I’m sure.  

The Adam Smith’s of the world are convinced that people like me are in denial, living a lie, and living in sin and darkness.  If that’s not the pot calling the kettle black…   *sigh*

Ok – I’m done venting for now.  Like I said in my 2nd post on his blog (and last) – I’m over it. 

~smj

Is Disney evil??

A friend of mine emailed me today regarding being worried that her brother in law has gone over the deep end with religion.  This is interesting, since this friend is a fairly new convert to Christianity herself.  Yet, even she see’s there’s something not right here…  She said that she came back from a visit with her family for the holidays.  And, that her brother in law is becoming more and more religious.  She said she couldn’t help to think about all the stories I had told her about growing up with my mom. 

One of the things she was upset about was that her young neice and nephew were not going to be allowed to play with most of the presents she and her parents had bought them.  She said they are probably all in the garbage by now.  Apparently, Disney is evil…. and they are not allowed to watch Disney movies or play with Disney items because they have witches and evil spells. ? She said they are afraid to watch anything, and my friend thought this was all a bit extreme.  She asked if my mother was the same way about stuff like that when I was a kid, etc. 

I wrote back:  

My first reaction when I read your note was a deep sigh and a sad feeling for the kids.  It’s a terrible thing to live with so much damn fear of everything all the time… and that’s what it is.  Fear.  Fear of hell.  Fear of anything “evil”.  Fear that you are not doing what God wants.  It’s ridiculous.   

So, she won’t let their kids watch Disney?  Come on.  Does she know the witches are PRETEND!!?!?.  It’s a freaking STORY people.  And, not for nothing, but do you know how many gory, violent, and sexually deviant stories there are in the bible??  You don’t hear about those ones as much.   I’m sorry.. I know it’s suppose to be “the good book”… but, there’s a lot in there that I don’t particularly want to have to go into detail with my kids anytime soon.  And talk about scary.  ??  What about all the sacrifices, demons and devils, HELL, daughters sleeping with fathers, babies being slaughtered, famine, plagues, wars.  Sheesh! 

But, unfortunately, I am not TOO surprised either.  Because, yes  – My mother was like that.  She saw evil in EVERYTHING. I’ve often joked about how we could be watching the old 50’s sitcom “Happy Days”, and she would walk in right when someone kissed or something – and she’d say “THAT’s DISGISTING!!”.   

I laugh now… but, it was rather nerve-wrecking when I was a kid.  It’s terrible to always be on the lookout for evil lurking around every corner… to feel like you’re always doing something “bad”, “wrong”, ”disgusting”, or “sinning”.  I always had one finger on the channel changer on the TV and on my radio in case my mother walked in.  

When you are really young – you believe everything your parents tell you… and you naturally want to please them.  What happens when you can’t?  I was afraid and worried a lot.  As I got older and more skeptical (thanks to my atheist father and common sense), even though I didn’t believe everything my mother did… I still was always worried about how she would interpret things, or what she would think about something (or me).  It forced me to still see everything as “evil” – knowing how SHE thought.  Talk about living on egg-shells.  For young children, this is abusive – if you ask me.  Intentional or not.   

Since you asked… if I were you – I would probably try to talk to my brother.  Ask what he thought.  How or why he was “okay” with the things that I thought were pretty “out there”.  Tell him how I felt and saw things… what worried me and why.  Take it from there. 

When it comes to something I think is really important – I tend to prefer to speak my mind with the hopes that it MIGHT help… and knowing I at least “tried”… even if there’s a bigger chance that it might just tick someone off.  But, that’s me….  and I have a big mouth.  Actually, that was how my Dad was… and my brother’s are to… so, it probably would make it easier for me to approach them.   

Although, I remember having it out with my one brother once –  years ago. They were on the verge of a divorce, and while I didn’t really want to get involved, I felt like I needed to try to help.  It was not easy even for me to talk to him that time because I knew he didn’t like what I had to say… and it didn’t go over well at the time… and we did get in a big fight.  I do think it actually helped in the long run and am glad I did it.  But, yeah… it doesn’t always help… and there probably were times I should have just kept my mouth shut.  Still… never stops me.   

Maybe I can call you later… 

 

I am almost afraid to call her.  I doubt highly she will actually try to reason with her brother, and doubt even more that even if she does that it will help.  I almost am afraid to talk to her on such matters, because I figure it’s a matter of time before her family or Christian friends tell her that she shouldn’t even BE talking to me since I’m not Christian and therfore can’t help her. 

UGH

I can’t help going back to my initial reaction to her words…”a deep sigh, and feeling sad for the kids”.

  ~smj

Response to “spare the rod” post at PBB….

What  sobering posts over on the “Parenting Beyond Belief” blog  – called “spare the rod (and spare me the rest)“, and “responses to “spare the rod”.  He talks about how many people, like James Dobson with Focus on the Family, use the bible to support spanking and different views on this.  As I recently mentioned, I can’t stand Dobson or FOF. I worry about messages being spread still today, and that good Christian people (like my friend who is a new mom) might buy into because they do like FOF and Dobson. 

My parents didn’t agree on much… but, they did both believe in spanking.  I have to say that my brothers got it worse than I did… but none of us ever got it that bad.  I wouldn’t say either my mother or father was “abusive” in their spanking methods, but I realize that’s a relative statement and matter of opinion. 

I do have vivid memories of my father threatening “the belt”, although, he never used it.  He DID spank with an open hand, though… not very often… but, enough that we believed we would “get it” if he threatened it. Usually, he only had to threaten it, and not do it, but we knew he WOULD if we didn’t listen.  My mother was more sporadic.  She’d whack ya with anything in her hand, usually a wooden spoon, if you weren’t listening. But, she must not have hit us very often or hard, because we were not as afraid of her.  She’d save the important spankings for my father to dish out.   They both believed that was part of his fatherly duties.  The old, “wait until your father gets home!” thing. 

One of the more common threats that my Dad use to say was “I’m going to rip your arm off and beat you over the head with the bloody end of it!”.  Ironically, this was NOT something scary, but rather something my brothers and I found humorous.  We knew he meant it sarcastically.  He had a bit of a warped sense of humor (as do I).  This saying did, however, use to scare our friends when they heard him say it.  But, my brothers and I would just laugh and say, “aww… he’s only kidding…. he always says that… and look – we still have 2 arms”.  No, we were more afraid of “the look”, or the threat of “you’re gonna get it!”. 

I do remember witnessing my brothers getting spanked… never with a belt… and never bare bottomed…  but always dramatic.  Often, if one of us got in trouble, we all did.  And, usually he started with my oldest brother.   I was usually hysterical just from watching my brothers get spanked while waiting for my turn…  and, probably because of that, and the facts that I was younger and a girl, my dad would barely swat me, if at all.  This is something my brothers still like to throw in my face about what a faker I was to get off of spankings LOL.  But, I really wasn’t faking.  It really was traumatic just to watch and wait.  

My oldest brother would always try to act tough, and to not cry…  and so, he’d get spanked the hardest I think…  until he DID cry.  Spanking is all about breaking that will and humiliation, isn’t it?  So, ironic… now that I think about it, being taught NOT to cry… and then punished harder for NOT crying.   ??  (I never really thought about that before now… but, wow… that’s pretty screwed up! ? ?)

My other brother, would go the dramatic route.  Running around screaming and yelling “no no no!”… until my father could wrestle him over or force him to come and get it.  Because he was already screaming and crying (moreso out of anger and frustration and for the pure drama effect, I think), he didn’t get spanked as hard.  Except for the time he put a book down his pants… and when my Dad hit that with his hand, he was really mad.

Then there was me.  Watching and waiting… trying not to cry, but failing miserably at times like this…  obediently going over when called without trying to run… and, I must have looked so pitiful, that my dad couldn’t/didn’t really spank me most of the time.  A couple times, he shut the door so my mom and brothers couldn’t see, and he whacked the bed or himself instead of me for sound effects… and told me to not tell (my mother) that he didn’t spank me. 

This leads me to believe that he didn’t always want to be “the enforcer”, but did feel like it was his job… and like he needed to do it to make my mom happy sometimes.  Which also leaves me feeling a bit bitter and resentful…

Looking back, I can not think of a time that I feel these spankings were really beneficial.  I have a hard time remembering what any of them were even for??  All of the memories that I DO have of important life lessons, or times I DO think I learned something good – had absolutely nothing to do with being spanked. 

I admit to having spanked my first child a couple times… which was more like a swat on a padded butt…  and nothing like the “proper spankings” described in the post at PBB. Each time I did, I immediately felt guilty and regretted it.  Each time I did, I was completely frustrated, upset, and/or scared when I did it.  Like, when my son was at the defiant 2 year old age and liked to  say “no” and run away as most 2 year olds do.  One day, though, he almost ran in to oncoming traffic as I called him and chased after him.  When I caught him, I was both relieved and upset, and it was almost a reflexive swat that I gave him. Part of me thought it was just the normal and right response.  Like it was something I ’should’ do, or ‘had’ to do… “for his own good” (ugg… I am wincing at that saying as a I type it).  Once I calmed down, a bigger part of me just felt it was wrong. 

I am glad that I felt that way, and that I did not continue to use spanking as a form of punishment.  I realized there were other ways….  better communication, and if necessary threats and punishments (time outs, no more TV or Computer, no treats, etc.) that I could follow thru on more easily, that were also more effective and obviously the better choice.

It’s funny, we do not spank our boys now (ages 5 and 10) and we do not go to church.  My boys are also probably more concerned with doing the “right” thing , and “being nice” than most of our friends kids that go to church every Sunday.   I’m not just bragging here, and I know I’m bias – but, I can’t think of ANY kids we know that have better behavior or attitudes than our boys.  Sure, our boys and aren’t perfect angels – but, I tell you what… they are genuinely GOOD kids.  You might not believe me, but, this is not just my opinion.  We constantly have have friends and family tell us how they are impressed by how well behaved our boys are. 

~smj

I’ve been on a Mission (not from God)

I’ve been on a mission.

I have a reeeeeeally strong desire to now say, “We’re on a mission from God”, but I won’t because it is totally off base here… It’s just that I love that line from one of the all time best comedy movies – the Blues Brothers. (See bottem of my post for details =)

But, no… my mission was definitely not “from God”… and, it was also pretty futile anyway. I found myself in an all out email war with a good friend of mine. A friend I grew up with… and we are still friends… remarkably… because we have almost nothing in common. This has always been true, but has been amplified the last couple years. Ever since she had her first child, and has suddenly become very religious. She claims she was always religious, but I don’t ever remember it being discussed, or her going to church regularly until she got married a few years back. She also use to be Catholic, but has changed to a Presbyterian church. I think that explains a lot right there.

Now, she knows my history… and my feelings about church. We have always been very open with each other, and pride ourselves on the fact that we can agree to disagree… and be friends in spite of our many differences. I try not to get into too deep of religious type debates with friends, because it doesn’t usually end well. But, she and I went out for our birthdays a while back, and at the end of the night ran into a guy that was the son of a co-worker of hers. She acted like she was long lost friends with this kid, and they talked and talked for a while. We walked away with her telling me what a GREAT kid he was… and of some problems he’d had with his family because he told them he THOUGHT he MIGHT be gay. How his mother disowned him… even though he was such a GREAT kid.

I couldn’t help myself… and, I asked her how she really felt about gays… since I knew how religious she was now… and, into bible-studying, etc… and because I knew what church taught ME when I was a kid. I wanted to know how SHE really felt. If they had succeeded in getting to her on this, as she always seems like a very NON-judgemental person that you can’t help but like. I was shocked at her response… even though I expected it. It confirmed my fears. “They” had gotten to her.

We wound up in a big debate that night, that resulted in my getting somewhat pissed-off/frustrated with her… and asking her to please drop if because it was late, and she was pissing me off. We apologized to each other the next day, not wanting to be disrespectful or hurtful to each other. We then agreed to have a “friendly” debate via email about this. Well, that lasted for the last month or so.

Originally, she told me her beliefs were NOT based mostly on her religious beliefs, but that soon proved to be untrue… and our debate topics ran rapid. I told her once that she was changing the topic quicker than I could disagree with her.

We started off debating whether being Gay is a choice or if you are born that way. And, whether one can “change” being gay? I couldn’t believe she insisted that she loved this kid… and had nothing against gay people, but she also insisted that ACTING out on those feelings was a sin… she compared it to a pedophile acting out, or an alcoholic drinking. ?!? Love the sinner, not the sin, type of argument. She insisted that people could choose NOT to be Gay and become “ex-gay”.

This led into many other topics that I’m sure neither of us are qualified to debate about since neither of us ARE gay or really into politics… Things like:

- Gay = Sin?

- Can you really change and be “ex-gay”?

- What’s so wrong about being gay anyway?

- AIDS – is it a “gay” disease?

- Gay Marriage & Gay parents

- James Dobson and Focus on the Family
(She subscribes to his newsletters, and was sending me articles of his to show why she feels the way she does. I, however, think he’s a big jerk.. and a dangerous one at that and sent her back info to back that up.)

- What is “creditable” data?
(She kept using the Bible, and organizations like Exodus, and NARTH – which I rejected. I kept using data and articles from real life gay people telling their stories on line, and articles about how bogus Exodus and NARTH is, and instead quoting things from American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the National Association of School Psychologists, and the National Education Association.  She, however, dismissed any data from them, saying data can be twisted and she didn’t believe them any more than I believed the bible. So where the hell was I going with that?)

- What constitutes discrimination

- Premarital sex in general and Celibacy

- abortion

- and the list went on…. and on… and on… with her on the far right wing… and me either out there on the left, or usually in the middle someplace.

What’s really sad, I think….  here we are… having these debates. On every topic… I am basically taking the stance of, “live and let live”, “who are we to judge”, “love is good, regardless of what form it’s in”… trying to be realistic, accepting, open and considerate of other human beings feelings, opinions, and rights. And here she is… one of the nicest people you will ever meet… embracing Christianity and telling me how great it is and how much God loves me and we are all his children. And, yet – she is the one spreading what I think are unaccepting, judemental, and hateful messages.

I don’t get how can she sit there and schmooze and hug this gay kid when she sees him, telling me what a GREAT kid he is… but, still wholeheartedly believe he is doing something terribly wrong, and needs to change in order to get to heaven… or to be a “good Christian”??  It’s so contradictory to me, but she doesn’t even see it.  She insists that she is NOT judging.  Huh?

Then… what also ticked me off… was she kept making comments about how she was standing up for what she believed in, even if it wasn’t mainstream beliefs.  Like she’s some martyr, and better off being old-fashioned and true to herself.  This was what I said to her regarding that:

“You keep talking about standing up for what you believe, not what everyone else thinks. Do you seriously think that *I* do not do this? Since when haven’t I held up to my own opinions, in SPITE of what others may WANT to hear or think?? Matter of fact, you of all people should know that I’m usually the one you can COUNT on to tell you what I think/believe, and not just tell you what you want to hear. I don’t see your stand on most things as going against the norm. On the contrary, I see it fitting in nicely with what most good Christians believe, and with what your church is teaching you, and with what I was taught my whole childhood.

I may be agreeing with some big organizations, or common belief’s of society – but, this is based on my own logical conclusions, research, experiences, and gut feelings. You think it’s easy to say I don’t really believe the bible is true? I’m afraid to say that out loud to most people… For fear of them thinking I’m some kind of satanic hellion. Seriously, I do not go around advertising that I am agnostic. It’s even hard to admit that we do not go to church to people. You can see the disapproval in their eyes, especially that we are not taking the kids to church. I know a lot more Christians, than I do non-Christians. So, to argue that you are standing up for what you believe, and make it sound like I am “going with the flow” bothers me, and once again I disagree.”

We wound up, after several wasted weeks of emails, once again, agreeing to disagree and calling a “truce”.  We were going nowhere and just wasting time and flirting with really pissing each other off.  I will always love this friend like a sister.  We have been thru a lot together, and I do believe she is a genuine and true friend.  I value her and respect her, in spite of the fact that we can’t see eye to eye on almost anything…  But, man, it’s tough sometimes to agree to disagree over such controversial topics! And, if all our debating was suppose to convince me in any way shape or form whatsoever that going to church, and bible studying, and being a Christian is the way to go…  it didn’t work for me.  At all.

And now… back to my original, totally unrelated comment about being on a mission from God… A kind of mission  that I’d much rather be on…  curteousy of the Blues Brothers… =):

All is fair in love and conversion…

Another post at “de-conversion” got me thinking.  The post is called “My life of proselytization“, this time from HeisSailing…   

In his post, he said:

 ”I witnessed the Gospel of Jesus Christ for most of my adult life”. 

Now, I was much younger  than he was when I was a full force believer.  But, I believe I felt just as strongly.  I believed it all.  I went around trying to “save” all the kids in my neighborhood… but, my main mission was to save my own father.   

HeisSailing made a comment about getting his mom to come to church:

“I would try to convince my mother, once a committed Christian and now a practical atheist, the error of her backsliding ways. I even got her to go to church with me a few times, but not before informing the pastor that I was bringing her and if he would not mind directing a word or two of his message her way.”

This really reminded me of how when I was a young girl, I would be pressured into singing or doing “specials” in front of the church.  Then, I would be asked to put the pressure on my father to come to church to see me.  After all, I was “Daddy’s little girl”, didn’t he want to see me perform?  So, he did come… for at least the first few years of “specials”. 

Each time he said “yes honey, I’ll come see you sing” –  I would report back to my mother.  Then my mother, her friends, the pastor, and my brother and I would rejoice.  He’ s coming!  Hallelujah!  And we’d all pray hard every day until the day of the “special”, that when he came… THIS would be the time the lord would come down and bonk him on the head and turn him into the perfect Christian father and husband.  When it didn’t happen… we’d go back to plan A.  Try, try again.  Repeatedly I was put in this position of trying to save my own father.  For years. 

Eventually, my father stopped coming to every “special” of mine.  He knew the deal… and he didn’t like being approached by the pastor and pressured each time he came either.  It was like the whole church was looking at him when he’d come.  “Here comes that atheist husband and father!”.  They could’ve sold tickets to see the freak atheist!  LOL  So, I can’t blame him for not wanting to come – even at the time.  He probably also sensed the pressure being put on me, and didn’t want to be a part of that either. 

I know it was very hard for him to eventually start telling me, “no honey, I won’t come see you sing”.  I would then have to report back to my mother that I had failed.. he won’t come… I’m sorry.  She would then freak out and get very upset.  She made me feel terrible when he didn’t come.  She’d make me ask him again and again.  And, then they’d argue and she’d try to make him feel guilty for not coming,  and make ME feel guilty and like he didn’t care about me in the process.

Eventually, I didn’t WANT to keep singing either.  (surprise surprise!).  Mostly because I didn’t want to keep pressuring my dad and going thru this.. and because I was starting to have my own doubts about all of it.  Not only about my beliefs, but I started wondering if I even had a good voice or not!  (loletinf!;)  When I finally stood up for myself and said that I didn’t want to do a “special”, I suddenly didn’t feel so special anymore.  Not just my mother, but the church leaders also made me feel really bad.  Like I was a quitter… giving up… back-sliding… and, they then put pressure and guilt trips on ME asking me over and over when I would sing again.  My mother even said something like, “how is your father ever going to be saved now??! ”. 

Looking back, I can’t believe how much plotting and scheming it all was.  The pressure, fear, and guilt used! Unfortunately, since I was in it, I understand their thinking and putting the pressure on my Dad.  They really felt it was their duty and apparently rudeness, politeness, respect, and common courtesy fly out the window when you are trying to save someone’s soul (and do your Christian duty ).  This is bad enough. 

However, what really gets me (and I don’t want to sound whiney here, but) is how could they do that to me?  I was a little girl.  A little CHRISTIAN girl who wanted to believe all they were teaching.  They played me.  They used me.  How could they put that kind of pressure, guilt and fear on me?!?

 And, when I say “they”, it was NOT just by my mother.  It was also her friends, the pastor, the choir director, the church leaders.  What kind of people scare the crap out of a little girl telling her that her father, (who she loved wholeheartedly and was a GREAT Dad) was going to burn in hell?  Tell her that over and over?? Which is bad enough… but, then tack on the, ”unless YOU can save him” part.  ??  And we prayed.. and prayed…  And I cried… and cried…

I just don’t get it. I don’t get how adults, in their right minds, could think this was an okay thing to do.  ??  The “RIGHT” thing to do??  It makes me mad still when I think about it, and leads me to the only logical conclusion I can think of, and that is that they ALL were not in their right minds! 

HeisSailing wrote:

” I then became exhausted from witnessing. I was exhausted and drained from believing that I and my small sect of Christian brethren have the exclusivity on truth and everyone else, no matter what their beliefs, are going to eternal torment. I was sick of believing that I was on the narrow path of righteousness, and my loved ones are on the wide path leading to destruction when in many cases, they are just simply much better people than I am.”

This is a huge part of why I eventually didn’t believe and don’t believe in any one religion, or in religion or God at all really.  Not only because I can’t fathom the idea of my own father going to hell (which is a biggie, I admit), but, also ALLLLLL the other people.  It can’t be.  It makes no sense. 

HeisSailing then wrapped up his post by saying:

“Then I became sick of that guilt, I became sick of that arrogance of exclusivity, I became sick of looking at our life as a trial from God to see if we believed the correct doctrines, and I refused to accept it anymore.”

Like him, I also ”became sick” of these same things…  The eternal dangling carrot, and the constant fear of hell. I am glad to be rid of them.    

PS – If you haven’t already – I suggest you go read HeisSailing’s post in full, as he writes much better than me and makes his points with much better reasoning…

Take care,

~smj