So, why are there poems here now??

Until the last couple days, it had been a long time since I’ve posted anything here.  Things are going well with me… keeping busy… can’t complain… focusing my writing and efforts on some “real life” projects and didnt’ feel the need to keep rehashing things on here.  This blog was a great resource for me for a few years… and, I just sort of moved on. 

However, recently I wrote a poem (Have Faith and Believe), and didn’ t know where I could post it, so I posted it here.  I write poems sometimes…  not that well… but,  I do… and, I’ve recently started sharing some of them with folks in “real life”.  However, this last poem, I didn’t want to share in “real life”.  Not with everyone…. some people, ok.. but, did I want EVERYONE to see it that even remotely knows me?  No.  I did not.  Which made me ask, “WHY?”. 

Well, the reasons are simple enough really.  I still know way too many people who are so religious that I didn’t want to offend them. Plus,  I didn’t want them to think poorly of me. I didn’t want them to “worry” (about my soul). I didn’t want to be judged or prayed for.  I didn’t want to have to get into any religious debates with certain people.  (some people I welcome debates from.. but others, I realized, it’s futile… so why bother?).  It’s sort of sad, isn’t it? 

All of my close friends and family know me… and, they know all about my background and that I am not a religious person… and even know I’m agnostic or atheist – depending on how you want to define it (I guess I’m not that picky about “what” I am).  That’s nothing new.  So, it wasn’t that I didn’t want THEM to see my poem… 

It’s more the people that I just SORT of know that I didn’t want to see it.  People I work with.  Friends of friends.  Neighbors.  Parents of my kids friends that I hardly know.  THOSE people.  Not that I feel like I’ve said or done anything wrong and I sort of resent that I am not comfortable to just go public with EVERYTHING…. but, no.  I don’t want to be judged by things, when they don’t even really KNOW me.  Ya know??  I guess there are other areas of my life I wouldn’t want to post for the world to see either.. and, that’s ok, right?

So – anyway – I posted that poem here.  And then I realized I had a few other poems of this nature that relate to my beliefs (or lack of them) and I thought that I might as well post them on this blog for now too.  I didn’t really post poems of mine here before – but, since I don’t want to put them out there in any blog that is tied in with my “real life”, I figured this is a safe place to share them.  Maybe, someone will like them or relate.  If not, and your really NOT into poetry… and really just want to hear about the girl with the religious nut for a mom and atheist for a Dad… well, just scroll down and click around.  There’s a lot more stories and writing on that then there are poems…  

~smj

Shades of Gray

Shades of Gray
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Sometimes I miss the black and white.
When I was sure of wrong and right.
Before the days of gray crept in.
Blurring the lines of my vision.

Sometimes I think I should go back,
To days of white and nights of black.
It sure was sweet to be so smart,
Days of no doubt and a wishful heart.

But those black nights – they sure were long.
Dark and daunting. So much was wrong.
The more I saw, the less I knew.
And suddenly I saw the grayish hue.

For weary eyes – a welcome sight.
I’ll take the gray soft filtered light.
Questions abound. Uncertainty thrives.
Still better than a righteous disguise.

There is one thing I do believe,
That is that most are as confused as me.
And those who believe still in black and white,
May someday see gray with their 20/20 hindsight.

 ~ smj

 

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This sort of goes with my “Doomed to a humble life of agnostic gray” post :  http://savemenot.wordpress.com/2007/04/14/whos-to-say/

Raindrops and Heartbeats…

Raindrops and Heartbeats…
===============

Falling gently from the sky
Slowly. Gently.
Then – Splat.

The raindrop fell unprepared
Not knowing
That was that.

The line goes up, the line goes down.
Beeping. Pulsing.
Then -  Flat.

The heart will beat on auto pilot,
No plan, no defense,
For it’s attack.

Should a soul still linger on?
When raindrops and heartbeats can not?
What makes us think we must survive,
When everything else just stops?

No belief or wish can prepare,
Even the best laid plans go wrong.
No way to stop a raindrop from falling
Or to make a heart beat on.

The raindrop and the heartbeat,
Never knew their end was near,
They are, perhaps, the lucky ones,
They never shed a tear.

So, enjoy the ride while it still lasts,
This is the last jaunt you’ll get,
Raindrops and heartbeats only survive,
In memories,
                Lest we forget.
 ~smj

Something to Believe…

Something to Believe…
==========

I believe in the Golden Rule,
And that two wrongs don’t make a right.
That for some beliefs, and those we love,
We may need to take a stand and fight.

I believe in right and wrong,
Shining through the thick gray steel.
Not since a book has told me so,
But from what I learn and feel.

I believe I’ve much to learn,
And that it’s wise to question truth.
For he who claims to know it all,
Is surely King of Fools.

I believe in Mother Nature,
Her beauty and her power.
Miraculous. Mysterious.
Indiscriminate mix of showers.

I believe that life is good,
An uphill climb each day.
Where life’s rewards aren’t found up top,
But in the journey along the way.

I believe I’ll wake in the morn,
As I’ve done thus far til now.
And yet I know there comes a time,
When I’ll have no more tomorrows.

Still, I believe that life goes on,
Even though each life must end.
Not on golden streets of heaven,
But through our family and our friends.

In loved ones hearts and memories fair,
And in ways words can’t describe.
Each action and deed, a ripple effect,
Flowing generations and continents wide.

So, some day when I am all but gone,
If you want me, look around.
You need only search as far as my son,
In his eyes my soul is found.

For there I’ve poured it with my heart,
And scattered many seeds,
With hopes that love will grow and spread,
Leaving something to believe…

 ~smj

Have Faith and Believe

So – I haven’t posted here in a long time…  but, I wrote a poem.. and this seemed like an appropriate (and maybe the only comfortable place for me) to post it.  =)  It sort of goes with an old post I made on this blog, called   “Ya Gotta Have Faith“.

==============

Have Faith and Believe

When life’s hard,
Way too hard to go on,
Just look for me – I’m all around.
Just waiting for you,
Waiting for you to need me.
I’ll pick you up, suck you in, help you to see,
That I am what you really need.

Just walk away.
Come take my hand,
I’ll lead you to the promise land.
Don’t look back.
Just keep your eyes on me.
I’ll make you as close to happy as you can be,
All you have to do is have faith and believe.

You have to believe to have faith.
You have to have faith to believe.
It’s not what you think you know,
It’s all about what you don’t want to feel.
Don’t think.
Don’t think.
Don’t think about it.
Don’t think about a thing.
Don’t worry.
Don’t cry.
Don’t be afraid.
Don’t feel a single thing.

No need to worry,
No need to cry,
Nobody gets hurt and nobody dies.
Don’t you see?
Fantasy can become your reality.
It’s not about the truth anyway,
It’s only about what you need.

You have to believe to have faith.
You have to have faith to believe.
It’s not about who I really am,
It’s all about who you want me to be.
Don’t think.
Don’t think.
Don’t think about it.
Don’t think about a thing.
Don’t worry.
Don’t cry.
Don’t be afraid.
Don’t feel a single thing.

 ~ smj

but, mostly “there”…

Well – I don’t really post much here anymore.  I started the blog almost 3 years ago… and, I think I’m about done here.  I just don’t feel like blogging about this stuff (religion, or my past, or my family issues) anymore… but, I’ll leave this blog up for now in case anyone else finds it interesting… or, in case I change my mind an decide I need to vent again.   =)

I think this blog served it’s purpose for me.  I guess, I really needed it and am glad I had it.  It was theraputic.  I think it helped me sort out a lot of junk in my head that I never really completely was open or honest with anyone before about in “real life”.   I think I learned a lot.  Grew a lot.  Like I understand more about my past and myself now.  I feel more at peace now, I think, than I ever did before.   More clear on how I feel and what I think.  More accepting of myself and others. 

I also met a lot of interesting people.  For the first time really, I learned that I was not alone with most of how I felt or thought.  It pretty much amazed me how many people there are out there that could actually relate to things I wrote about…  experiences I thought only I had.  Likewise, I was astounded to find so many out there that I could relate to also.  I want to thank any of you who might happen to check back here for your thoughts and “friendship” – even if it was virtual.   

Of course we (those few folks and myself) are still the exception.  My “real life” and world are filled with people who have no possible way to relate or get where I’m coming from, when it comes to my religious outlooks, etc.  I’m still the only agnostic/atheist and person who grew up with mental illness in the family that I know of in my own circle of family/friends. ..  But, that’s okay.  I think, for once in my life, I am really okay with that. 

As I mentioned in one of my last comments:

” I no longer hold any hostility towards my mother or “the church”.   I think I am FINALLY over that. I know they always meant well and thought they were doing the right thing – and as you pointed out – we are all only human. I can accept that and understand that – just as I know I certainly made/make my own mistakes. Lastly, I know that my Christian friends are good people – and that they care about me – just as I do them. “

Not only that – but, I no longer feel the need to hide my feelings…  or justify them… or question them.  While I might not broadcast the fact that I’m agnostic with those I don’t  know very well… I also don’t feel the need to hide it at all from those I do know.  No apologies.  They can either accept me ”as is” or not.  To my surprise, I don’t think anyone I really care about plans to disown me anytime soon because of our differences.  While we might not agree… or understand each other.. I think my family, and my true friends can agree to disagree on things.  Those that can’t? Well…  I think that’s more their problem than mine. 

Anyway – I’ll be around here and there…    but, mostly “there”. 

=) Take care people,
~smj

Great post over on PBB… “Congratulations, Dr. Ann”

I couldn’t say it better if I tried (really hard!)… so, here’s the link… 

and, YES.. WE CAN!  =)

From: http://parentingbeyondbelief.com/blog/?p=1078:

“Congratulations, Dr. Ann

There are countless congratulatory messages for President-Elect Obama this morning, all well-deserved. The most remarkably gifted presidential candidate of our time managed somehow to negotiate an unimaginably grueling campaign, and we, despite ourselves, managed to elect him. Shout-outs all around.

But I wanted to take a moment to recognize one of the people who by Barack’s own account helped make him what he is — his nonreligious mother, Ann Dunham.

It should be a matter of no small pride to nonreligious parents that the next President — a man who has been praised for his ethics, empathy, and broadmindedness — “was not raised in a religious household.”¹ It’s the other, undiscussed first in this election — the first black President is also the first President with a completely nonreligious upbringing…..

CONTINUE FULL POST BY DALE McGOWEN here: http://parentingbeyondbelief.com/blog/?p=1078:

 

 

Well, that’s just Religulous…

Sorry for the long overdue responses and update to this post. I DID go see the movie Religulous..

I went a few weeks ago…  by myself.  This was the first time I ever went to a movie theater by myself – so, that alone was a trip.  But, I liked it – I found the whole experience very liberating… and validating… and by that, I mean both the movie itself, and the experience of going to a movie that I wanted to see all by myself… even if nobody else wanted to see it. 

I was actually a little apprehensive… wondering who I might run in to there, or if there’d be any over zealous right wing christian fanatics throwing things at me or something.  But, no… it was pretty mellow.

I went on a Tuesday evening, around 5:30 pm.  It was the night of the presidential debate, so I had just enough time to see the movie and get home for the debate.  The theater was pretty dead.  I think there was about 12 people there, tops.  I  noticed there were several loners like myself.  Probably in the same boat as me where they didn’t know anyone who would be caught dead going to see this for fear of rotting in hell.  I secretly hoped I would know one of the other loners there.   Like.. maybe a casual work acquaintance or something, and we could be like “Hey!  Wow!?!  I didn’t know you were a skeptical mother-hucker too!?!?”…  but, no…. I didn’t know anyone… so, I slunk into my chair with my popcorn in hand and sat back and enjoyed the show. 

I know there’s been some comments about Bill Maher being very rude and cocky… but, I have to say…  I found him to be quite funny and his sarcasm was like music to my ears.  I found the movie to be very……   validating.  Many of the questions he posed… are along the same lines as the way my own skeptical  mind thinks… and the very same things I quesiton.  The things he was pointing out as not making sense – DON’T MAKE sense! 

I liked the fact that he explored many different religions… granted, he only glazed the surface of them – and didn’t go deep into any one of them  – but, that was enough to point out the similar idiocracies in many of them.  That was actually sort of the beauty of it to me.  It wasn’t anything you had to dig deep to see… 

I laughed out louad a few times…  and when I wasn’t laughing, I was smiling.  Either a smile of amusement, or with content because I felt like ”yes – this is proof that I’m not the only person around this town who thinks religion is a crock!”….  It felt good to be able to laugh and not feel like I was going to get a lecture from someone…  of course…  I assume this post might just bring on a lecture or two… 

Did I mention the popcorn was good too? 

=)
~smj

Religulous

I so want to go see this movie when it comes out this weekend…   however, I’m sure I don’t know anyone who would go see it with me… and far be it from me to try to talk anyone into going to see it and have them accuse me of being the devil’s advocate. 

I will go see it, though…  somehow.  It looks hilarious, and poignant.

Imagine No Religion…

This was interesting news….   from the FFRF folks… (Freedom From Religion Foundation).  Apparently they are putting up billboards…

More details from fox news footage can be found by clicking here.

I hope they put up more.